by James Burns | Dec 27, 2018 | Burns' Bench
When Art was an adolescent, chats with his mother featured the usual liberal doses of guilt needed to shape socially acceptable behavior.
Art bided his time, counting the days until he would become an adult and could enjoy a relationship with his mom grounded on a level playing field.
At 47, he’s still waiting.
“Our relationship was pretty much, mother-to-son, adult-to-child,” said Art, an Apopka marketing consultant, who asked that his last name not be used. “I drew the line at one point and told her it would be necessary for her to treat me like an adult if she wanted a relationship with me.”
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Bench Notice
I First read this article when it was first published in 1995. At the time I could relate to it. And as I spoke to other adults about the topic they could as well. Now more than 20 years later I found the hard copy of the article buried in some of my old paper work. It’s published online now and I have a whole different slant on the topic. Parenting styles vary for sure; from autocratic to permissive. But when a parent doesn’t grow with their adult children and continues to treat them as children they create an environment of harassment, intimidation, and bullying.
Adult children who can’t escape the fear of their parents opinions, and judgments, fail to grow into adults who are confident and capable. Healthy adult children know how to handle confrontations in a productive manner and they know how to express their concerns while still encouraging constructive suggestions.
Parents can be bullies too, and they may not have grown emotionally because of their own upbringing. The goal is to break the cycle, and still work to maintain a positive adult to adult relationship. Parents need to understand their impact and their roles as their children mature, and adult children need to understand their own fears.
by James Burns | Dec 15, 2018 | Burns' Bench
By Shahida Arabi, M.A., Author
“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood – establishing independence and intimacy – burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”
– Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – from Domestic Violence to Political Terror
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Bench Notice
When our service men came back after World War II they were known to have been shell shocked or were suffering from battle fatigue. It wasn’t until more recently (within the last 20 years) that we began to refer to this condition as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This condition is related to the traumatizing events of a person’s childhood, or from other events that became part of the person’s imprinted memory. We really didn’t have much information about this condition sixty years ago, and our military veterans were left to flounder in a life of unemployment, alcoholism, and and marital problems. Our knowledge of this topic now has shed light on the fact that childhood neglect, abuse, and captivity has caused many of the symptoms that are very similar to the ones that our military men suffered and still suffer from today.
Those who have suffered from abuse, and neglect now have a condition referred to as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), and many of our children today exhibit the same symptoms as our veterans did and still do only at a much earlier age. Knowing this should put parents and schools on notice that this condition needs to be treated early, with interventional strategies put in place to help alleviate the symptoms, and treat the root cause. Schools should take a psycho-educational approach and begin to create awareness of this condition and work with the students and the parents to keep this condition from becoming inter-generational and affecting future families and individuals.
by James Burns | Nov 25, 2018 | Uncategorized
Epigenetics, as a simplified definition, is the study of biological mechanisms that will switch genes on and off. What does that mean? Well, if you are new to this whole thing, we first need a quick crash course in biochemistry and genetics before learning exactly what is epigenetics:
- Cells are fundamental working units of every human being. All the instructions required to direct their activities are contained within the chemical deoxyribonucleic acid, also known as DNA.
- DNA from humans is made up of approximately 3 billion nucleotide bases. There are four fundamental types of bases that comprise DNA – adenine, cytosine, guanine, and thymine, commonly abbreviated as A, C, G, and T, respectively.
- The sequence, or the order, of the bases is what determines our life instructions. Interestingly enough, our DNA sequence is mostly similar to that of a chimpanzee. Only a fraction of distinctively different sequences makes us human.
- Within the 3 billion bases, there are about 20,000 genes. Genes are specific sequences of bases that provide instructions on how to make important proteins – complex molecules that trigger various biological actions to carry out life functions.
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This article explains the effects of experience and how life can alter genes for better or worse. Schools need to be aware of this concept and gain an understanding of the parents background and maybe even the grandparents. Trained social workers should perform extensive interviews to help reveal information that could be contributing to a students disrespectful, irresponsible, and non-complaint behaviors.
by James Burns | Nov 8, 2018 | Kids and Stress, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
Before the 1960’s, most people watched television in black and white and looking back at what society was like fifty years ago, it seems like people looked at life in terms of black and white as well. Things were either right or they were wrong. There wasn’t too much in between. Some of the things we viewed as wrong were disrespectful children, smoking pot, and sex before marriage. Some of the things society viewed as right were children not talking back to their parents or teachers and conservative dress. If you want to look back and see exactly what society viewed as right versus wrong, just watch an old episode of Leave It to Beaver for some fun and a little proof.
After World War II, a new kind of generation was born in the United States. Because of the after effects of the War, the United States experienced an economical boom which resulted in high income jobs with unemployment rates at an all time low. Education was also enhanced by the government and universities and colleges were encouraging people to get a college degree. Education was cheap and was readily available. In fact, many took college courses to help get promoted and to open up higher paying job opportunities
Because of this lifestyle; many people became financially secure. This financial freedom allowed people to have more children and there was a significant increase in birth rates. People who were born within this period are called baby boomers. Baby boomers were born between the years of 1946-1964.
To me, it seems like things really changed during this generation. Dr. Spock came along and his book that became a child rearing bible for many people, and parents changed their approach to raising their children. It started to become in vogue for parents to be less authoritarian and more liberal in their child rearing approach. The result? The baby boomers themselves took this to an extreme when they began to have children themselves. They took this more liberal mentality and kicked it up a huge notch and moderation was taken to excess.
Baby boomer parents believed that their babies and then their children had the right to decide everything. This included when they got fed, what they wanted to eat, what they wanted to wear and what they wanted to say and do. The idea was children had the right to choose.For baby boomer children, things were no longer black and white. Nothing was totally wrong anymore. Everything was allowed or could be rationalized in some way. Parents couldn’t establish rules in black and white because it might hurt their child’s self esteem. At all costs, adults had to make children feel good about themselves. The idea came into popularity that parents have to “respect” their children.
The concept of respect is a great idea and children should be loved and respected, but it was taken to a rather ridiculous extreme. Respect for children came to mean allowing them to say and do anything they wanted. Baby boomer children no longer learned self control in their words and actions. This actually resulted in children feeling entitled and not showing respect for anyone else but themselves. Basically, baby boomer children became extremely selfish, self-indulgent, arrogant and demanding. Everything was about feeling good about themselves but for no apparent reason no matter what the cost.
We are now dealing with the children of baby boomers. They are being referred to as the millennial generation and now generation X,Y, and Z. Only time will tell what their problems will be. One thing that seems for sure is that the days of right and wrong/black and white are gone forever. You can watch “Leave It To Beaver” on MeTV.
by James Burns | Oct 19, 2018 | Behavior Management, James Burns, Respect, Responsibility, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
Thank God for Nick at Night. You know the station that gives you shows like “Leave it To Beaver” or “Lassie.” I was watching“Leave it To Beaver the other day” and could not help but notice how all the adults were called Mr. and Mrs. No Ms. back then. Of course, Eddie Haskell was a bit of a phony when he addressed Beaver’s parents. “Hello, Mrs. Cleaver” or “Hello, Mr. Cleaver.” Then Eddie would run up to Wally’s room and refer to Wally’s dad as “Your old man.”
The question I asked myself is whatever happened to Mr. and Mrs.? Even when I worked as a principal the students called me Burns not Mr. Burns. I listen to my kids refer to their friends mom or dad as Colleen, Tony, Rich, or Barbara.
Lets face it…respect is just not there any more. Everyone thinks that the ground is level. Is anyone in charge out there or is a kid our peer? The less respect kids have for the casual adults they meet, the less respect they will have for teachers, police officers, and yea their employers.
Let’s see if we can turn the tide a little. Speak to the parents of your kids friends and call them Mr. or Mrs. especially in front of your kids. Let’s get our kids to show respect for folks that are older than they are and make them aware that the ground is not level, somebody is older and smarter than they are so they should be treated that way.
I have a dear friend who I have known for 25 years. He has four boys between the ages of 26 and 39. I have known them since they were teenagers and younger. They were calling me Mr. Burns up until 5 years ago. That is when I told them to call me Jim.
