by James Burns | May 18, 2022 | 101 Podcast, Rumors and Gossip, The Bully Proof Classroom
How to Have Gossip Free Conversations
By Jenny Dalton
Learn more about Jenny: www.butterfliesbullies.com and www.betterfriendsclub.com
Through a myriad of examples from Mother Nature, we can see that different species of plants and animals already know how to coexist; each providing something essential to balance the environment resulting in an ecosystem that supports the whole of life. As in Nature, so too in our communities, especially now.
— Lynn Twist
I think that the most insidious cultural practice we engage in as women and as a society is gossip. Telling someone something personal, or even mundane, about another person who is not present in the conversation is damaging to our relationships and beneath our innate intelligence. It’s damaging when the information is inevitably leaked back to the person in question. They have hurt feelings, and wonder why people choose to talk about them behind their backs. It’s also damaging to our ability as humans to have productive, planet and societal altering conversations, generative conversations that could create the world that I’d venture to say most if not all of us long to live in. Gossip is just lazy conversation.
As a great person (WHO?) once said, people who talk about other people are stupid, people who talk about ideas are not. That’s paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Why do we spend our precious human time on stupid conversations that are not furthering anything important. There is no time to waste at this point. We must engage in generative, supportive conversations to help save humanity and ourselves.
So, what is gossip? Let’s define it. According to the dictionary, gossip is:
- Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
- A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
- Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
Gossip is talking about another person when they are not present. Period. It doesn’t matter if the information you share is meant to be helpful. To me, the most insidious gossip is number three on that list, trivial conversation. Why? I think celebrity culture and Hollywood (and politics and sports) keep gossip culture alive and well so we will buy magazines, watch movies, and pay attention to the stories that the media and Hollywood want us to see rather than give ourselves the space we need to listen to our own hearts, our own inspiration, and use our time to create the means to have better relationships and a better world.
The difference between gossip and venting? Good question. Yes, sometimes we need to vent. People can be infuriating. Here are some options. Vent in a journal. Vent in a voicemail to yourself or an audio note that you then delete. Vent to your partner and request specific feedback on how to deal with this infuriating person. Allow venting to become a restorative practice for your communications skills and ability to discern what is important to you. Your anger and frustration with a person includes a lesson for you. Look for it with intention. Gossip however is debasing. It hurts us in our heart and in our gut. It is not a healing practice.
Gossip is a time suck. Let’s face it. Think about how much time you spend thinking about other people and the information you have about them that you want to tell someone else. Is it an hour a week? More? Five hours? How much time do you spend watching Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, HBO, Disney, YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, gossiping on WhatsApp, etc? How much time do you spend listening to other people’s stories? Filling your head with bullshit that won’t help humanity in the slightest. Ok. I get it. You don’t want to save humanity. Well, what about saving yourself? Your own mind. Your peace of mind.
I was a huge gossip in junior high and high school. As girls and women, we are taught to traffic and trade in this sort of information. It’s social currency in some cultures and being a gossip or the act of gossiping can be like the water we swim in. We don’t even see it as a problem. I literally spent so much time talking about other people, thinking I was being “social” that I neglected my studies and was a terrible friend. I was gossiped about too, mostly about my gossiping, and that hurt. One day, a good guy friend suggested I stop, that it was damaging my reputation. Did I want that? No. So, I stopped cold turkey as they say. Once I made an agreement to stop gossiping, it became harder to do — the stopping of gossiping. This is because I was inevitably confronted by tons of opportunities to talk about other people and the gossiping got louder and louder and louder. Once you realize how often you do it, you see it everywhere. Thus the challenge and the opportunity to shift and change.
Once I did shift, and I will give you some tips below, my mind quieted, my anxiety lowered. I no longer had to wonder if I’d get caught talking about others. And, you know what, I started talking about ideas and creative things that interested me and I got curious about other people and what interests them and what they are doing with their time. My life changed utterly and for the better. I also became a better and more loyal friend. Friends became more willing to share their deepest selves with me because they knew I would not tell anyone about what they said to me.
I’ve got this woman in my life now. We’re in our 50s and she is the biggest gossip. She’s also an amazing person, philanthropist, Mom, volunteer, community leader, etc. But when we are in social situations all she does is talk about other people. She’s hilarious. I actually laugh so much when I talk with her. But I don’t give back personal information about anyone else (and we live in a small town so I often know a lot of information about people we know in common). Anyhoo, my whole point is that it dumbs her down. Yes I’m being judgy. But it’s lazy conversation. We could be talking about what badass women we are and lifting each other up instead of chit chatting about what someone did with their weekend or who is getting a divorce, etc. I’ve tried shifting the conversation but she won’t go there. I think it’s insecurity on her part. Or she doesn’t trust me. I don’t know. I’ve told her I don’t gossip. But, this is her go to and her comedy. It’s ingrained in her behavior and I can’t make her want to stop.
If you are someone who is pained by gossip in any way … it makes you feel gross, you want to stop but can’t, you see the value in spending your time thinking about other things and talking about other, more productive and possibly planet altering things … then I urge you to try a gossip fast.
How to Take a Gossip Fast
- Make a commitment to not gossip for a set period of time. 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. Give yourself some time.
- Tell the people you are in regular communication with that you are on a gossip fast. Notice how they react.
- Notice when an urge to gossip arises.
- When the urge arises, remind yourself you are on a gossip fast.
- Keep at it. Keep noticing.
- How does it make you feel? Do you feel left out? Empowered? Free?
- Journal about your feelings. Really dig into them.
- Journal about the origin of gossip in your life. When did you start? How has it impacted your relationships? Friendships? Your inner peace? What has it cost you?
- Once your fast is complete, journal about it’s impact on your life now.
- Do you want to make a commitment to continue?
I started with a gossip fast here and there. It was challenging. But I haven’t gossiped in decades and my life is much improved. How?
How to Have Gossip Free Conversations
- Start a conversation with someone by asking them a powerful question. Get curious about their lives and what they are up to. Here are some examples to try:
- What’s been exciting to you lately?
- What have you been most passionate about this week, month?
- How are you spending your free time?
- What are you creating?
- How do you feel about the change in seasons … or something similar.
- What do you have planned for your next vacation? Where would you love to visit?
- What have you done lately to help our community?
- Tell people you do not gossip.
- Remind them that you do not gossip.
- Share something about yourself and your interests.
- Talk about a book you are reading or an inspiring idea you’ve discovered.
- Talk about anything but a person.
- Talk about music. A new band you love and why.
- Talk about art. What you love to do creatively. Do you love to cook, bake, sew, make ceramics, photography …
- Share about a cool spot in your town you just discovered.
- Ask how you can support this person in what they are doing creatively.
The media continually reminds us that we are pitted against one another, which I believe also breeds gossip. In truth, however, we are one community, and all is well. There is enough, and we are enough. When we bring the practice of collaboration and reciprocity into conscious view a kind of alchemy occurs. To make this magic happen, we need to shift our worldview from the “you-OR-me” world of scarcity and competition to the “you-AND-me” world of collaboration.
In a you-OR-me world, reciprocity and collaboration don’t fit. However, a you-AND-me world is full of collaboration and reciprocity! In that world, our resources are not only enough; they are infinite.
by James Burns | Nov 8, 2018 | Kids and Stress, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
Before the 1960’s, most people watched television in black and white and looking back at what society was like fifty years ago, it seems like people looked at life in terms of black and white as well. Things were either right or they were wrong. There wasn’t too much in between. Some of the things we viewed as wrong were disrespectful children, smoking pot, and sex before marriage. Some of the things society viewed as right were children not talking back to their parents or teachers and conservative dress. If you want to look back and see exactly what society viewed as right versus wrong, just watch an old episode of Leave It to Beaver for some fun and a little proof.
After World War II, a new kind of generation was born in the United States. Because of the after effects of the War, the United States experienced an economical boom which resulted in high income jobs with unemployment rates at an all time low. Education was also enhanced by the government and universities and colleges were encouraging people to get a college degree. Education was cheap and was readily available. In fact, many took college courses to help get promoted and to open up higher paying job opportunities
Because of this lifestyle; many people became financially secure. This financial freedom allowed people to have more children and there was a significant increase in birth rates. People who were born within this period are called baby boomers. Baby boomers were born between the years of 1946-1964.
To me, it seems like things really changed during this generation. Dr. Spock came along and his book that became a child rearing bible for many people, and parents changed their approach to raising their children. It started to become in vogue for parents to be less authoritarian and more liberal in their child rearing approach. The result? The baby boomers themselves took this to an extreme when they began to have children themselves. They took this more liberal mentality and kicked it up a huge notch and moderation was taken to excess.
Baby boomer parents believed that their babies and then their children had the right to decide everything. This included when they got fed, what they wanted to eat, what they wanted to wear and what they wanted to say and do. The idea was children had the right to choose.For baby boomer children, things were no longer black and white. Nothing was totally wrong anymore. Everything was allowed or could be rationalized in some way. Parents couldn’t establish rules in black and white because it might hurt their child’s self esteem. At all costs, adults had to make children feel good about themselves. The idea came into popularity that parents have to “respect” their children.
The concept of respect is a great idea and children should be loved and respected, but it was taken to a rather ridiculous extreme. Respect for children came to mean allowing them to say and do anything they wanted. Baby boomer children no longer learned self control in their words and actions. This actually resulted in children feeling entitled and not showing respect for anyone else but themselves. Basically, baby boomer children became extremely selfish, self-indulgent, arrogant and demanding. Everything was about feeling good about themselves but for no apparent reason no matter what the cost.
We are now dealing with the children of baby boomers. They are being referred to as the millennial generation and now generation X,Y, and Z. Only time will tell what their problems will be. One thing that seems for sure is that the days of right and wrong/black and white are gone forever. You can watch “Leave It To Beaver” on MeTV.
by James Burns | Nov 4, 2018 | James Burns, Principles, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
There is no question that change is very incremental. It happens very slowly. Before you know it you wonder how it happened. Most of the time change is good. Things like losing weight, quitting smoking and drinking, and breaking bad habits that affect a person’s health are changes we would all like to make. Some change though is not good and can happen so slowly that we don’t even see it coming. Malcolm Gladwell’s book “The Tipping Point” explains this phenomenon very clearly using the analogy of a scale that is filled with stones on one side and no stones on the other.
Everyday, week, or year, one stone is added to the empty side of the scale. Slowly the scale gets tipped in the other direction. The change is so small that it can’t be recognized. Mr. Gladwell uses this illustration to show that once the scale is tipped in the other direction, our societal problems can then grow to epidemic proportion.
Certain universal principles were very common thirty to forty years ago. They were built into people and were taught by parents as a natural part of growing up. They are almost like the lost episodes of life. Slowly they have left us and we don’t think about them any longer as a society.
As a teacher, administrator, and observer in society, I have watched this happen. I have observed certain problems in our society go from being problems that only affect a small segment of the population to the point where they have become epidemics and affect huge numbers of people.
In order to deal with an epidemic, it has to be recognized. Once it is recognized we have to begin to treat it. Treating it requires a plan that will take time and has to start with our children. The change may be something that we as a society won’t see initially. It also may be something that we won’t see at all. The change may be something that will finally really happen with our great grandchildren.
Coming Up The Lost Principles
by James Burns | Nov 4, 2018 | Academics, Anti Bullying, Anti Bullying 101, Classroom Activity, Education, James Burns, Teachers, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
I really hate to be the bearer of bad news but the reality of life is not every-one is going to college when they leave high school. If this statement is really true then why does education deal with everyone like they’re college material? I graduated from high school almost forty years ago.
When I was a student there were three courses of study that I could take. The first course was college prep; this provided some challenging classes that got you ready for the rigors of college. The second course was business. This prepared students for the business world and exposed students to things like Junior Achievement, and a club called Future Business Leaders of America. (FBLA) The third course of study was general studies. This was a hodgepodge of courses that was like a high school liberal arts program.
I graduated from the eighth grade and it was recommended by my eighth grade teachers that I be placed in a general studies program. I didn’t choose general studies I was placed in it. I took just about any classes I wanted, from college prep classes to general classes, and I did fine. I really wasn’t college material, but I got accepted into a state school and received a college diploma. I still haven’t figured out what was so horrible about a group of teachers recommending that I be placed into a course of studies that was based on my abilities.
The world of education has gotten away from something that was very common many years ago, and that’s called tracking. There were always two or three classes in every grade that addressed the individual needs of students who needed to be challenged, and the needs of students who needed extra help. The groups were never co-mingled because the instruction would be too hard for some of the students and not hard enough for other students. Somewhere along the way someone came up with idea that tracking kids had a negative affect on their self esteem, so it was decided that all students should be placed in the same classroom in order to receive the same instruction. This was supposed to improve the way a child felt about himself as a student. It would make him feel smarter.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Students who have difficulty and who are placed in a classroom with kids who are more academically advanced than them are always trying to figure out why they can’t do the same work as the smarter kids. In simple terms they start to wonder, why am I so dumb? The other challenge is for the teacher who has to spend an obscene amount of time working with the slower students, while the more advanced students may be left to work by themselves.
The idea that all students can learn at the same pace and in the same classroom is flawed and, believe it or not, has become a huge money maker for those who have been smart enough to take advantage of this movement. Differentiated Instruction, Multiple Intelligence, and Inclusion strategies are all programs that have been born out of the idea that all students should be heterogeneously grouped. These programs were developed and sold to colleges and public schools as a ruse to convince educators that this type of education works for all students.
Once the decision is made to implement the program thousands of dollars have to be spent in teacher training so the teachers understand the process. This just puts more stress on the teacher and gets them more concerned about the means of educating their students and not the end which is have the students mastered the material that was taught.
The developers of these programs make their money, but it is costly to the school districts that choose to use them as well. Most elementary classes today have two and maybe three teachers present in one room in order to work with the varying levels of the students. One teacher in the room may only work with 4 or 5 students. This same teacher could work with 20 students if the students were tracked. Districts pay thousands of dollars more in teacher salaries by hiring one teacher to work with a very small number of students. Many students are not prepared for or capable of some rigorous form of education that does nothing but constantly frustrate them academically.
During the last 40 years, I have witnessed the dismantling of industrial arts shops that were used to introduce students to carpentry, electronics, metal work, auto mechanics, and even home repair. These shops were dismantled in order to make room for huge computer labs, additional classroom space. One district used the space for a weight room for the football team. Does anyone need a carpenter an electrician or a plumber anymore? Better yet does anyone know what they charge? These are fine careers that pay a handsome salary.
Education has even moved away from shared time programs that train and apprentice students for careers that society needs to support the economy. The Voc-Tech programs as they’re called seemed to focus more on technical aspect than on the vocational. The majority of these programs have rigorous acceptance requirements and works with the students who have the ability to perform scholastically. The balance of these programs work with students who are cognitively impaired and provide a setting similar to that of a sheltered workshop of the 1970’s and 80’s.
The vocational schools are not providing enough training for those students who truly want to become trained carpenters, plumbers, and electricians. The real tragedy of the situation is that there are students who want to become master tradesmen. In order for them to accomplish their goal they must enroll in post secondary programs at their cost and spend another two or three years in training in order to do something that could have otherwise been provided at the high school level.
I have a wonderful brother in law who is a master tradesman and can do anything from carpentry to plumbing, and electrical work. He operates heavy machinery, installs gas tanks and pumps, and is a demolition expert. He can do anything. He is now 65 years old and continues to work at his crafts. I know that he didn’t go to college. He learned many different trades as a young man by doing the work himself and by working with other people. I know he was definitely smart enough to go to college but as he was growing up it may not have been his first choice. He chose to learn a trade or should I say many trades. He learned to do the jobs that not everyone could do or wanted to do.
Everyone is not cut out to go to college, or to even be in a classroom with kids who are. I don’t know what my home would look like if I didn’t have a handyman. I also don’t know how long my car would keep running if I didn’t have a trained mechanic. My brother in law doesn’t have to worry about these things because he can fix and repair and build. The other thing that my brother in law doesn’t have to worry about is money because he is a millionaire.
by James Burns | Oct 30, 2018 | Dealing With Angry And Irate Parents Conference, Education, James Burns, Kids and Stress, Leadership, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
I played baseball in high school and college. I even played in an over thirty league back in the mid eighties. When my child Sarah was born in 1991, baseball wasn’t something I thought she would ever be interested in. But when she was about six, I took her over to the park to hit some baseballs. She picked up the balls after I hit them, and she got up to bat. She hit a few balls, and she even ran the bases.
Sarah had and still has athletic ability- good hand eye coordination, flexibility, strength and agility. When Sarah was seven, she came to me one day and said, “Hey dad can I play soccer?” “Sure,” I quickly responded. I went out and bought her a soccer ball, shin guards, and cleats. I signed her up for the recreational league in town. I must admit I was pretty enthused. We practiced kicking the ball in the backyard, and we were both getting pretty excited about her first game.
It was the Saturday of Sarah’s first game. She and I headed up to the soccer field. After some warm-up activities and a pep talk from the coach, the game started. To my surprise Sarah was in the starting line-up. Sarah ran up and down the field for the first ten minutes or so, and she finally had an opportunity to kick the ball. She took her first kick, missed the ball, and landed flat on her back. Sarah got up and came crying over to the sideline begging, “Don’t make me play anymore, Dad, I can’t do it.” Right then and there, Sarah refused to go back into the game.
When the game ended and we were walking to the car, Sarah continued to cry, “Don’t make me play, Dad, please, I don’t want to.”I mustered up all my courage and I said to her sternly, “You’re playing. You are playing. Now get in the car. On the way home, all I heard was a bunch of sniffling and whining. I didn’t have a very long ride home. I can tell you this, Sarah wore me out. I was emotionally exhausted by the time I arrived at home.
We pulled up into the driveway and I sat miserably in the car as I watched Sarah get out and walk into the house, sniffling and shaking as she walked through the front door. I sat stewing in the car and said to myself, “Who wants to play soccer anyway, dumb game.” I then attempted to further rationalize my thoughts by saying to myself, “Soccer’s for boys anyway.”I walked into the house, stood at the bottom of the stairs and yelled up the stairs, “SARAH.”She sniffled her way through a “Yeah, Dad.” I said, “Come down here.” After coming down the stairs, I said to her, “Look, Honey, you don’t have to play soccer if you don’t want to play. It’s OK with me.” Relief was all over Sarah’s face. She said, “Oh, thank you, Daddy!” Sarah gave me a big hug and kiss ran back upstairs.
Honestly, I felt like her hero. I was her knight in shining armor. I had just come through for her and given her exactly what she wanted. I was sure I had made the prudent decision. I didn’t even have to ask her mother’s opinion. I figured what’s the big deal since no harm was. I was content in the knowledge that I had allowed my six year old daughter to make her own decision. I have another daughter named Grace (Grace is six years younger than Sarah) who came to me when she was six years old and said, “Hey, Dad, can I play soccer?” I said, “Sure, honey.” The same routine started again, the shin guards, the cleats, the soccer ball, the practice, and finally the game. But this time, the outcome was much different. Grace ran enthusiastically up and down the field from one end to the other. She never got near enough to even touch the ball, but she had a great time. Grace came off the field with a look of absolute joy in her eyes and said to me, “Boy that was fun, Dad.”
She played the first season, and had a ball. She played the next season and really improved a lot. She wanted to score really badly, but didn’t have the opportunity. She still loved the game. To her, every game was an event, an outing that ended with a snack and a Gatorade, lunch, and a fun time spent with me.
While this was going on Sarah was into cheer leading, gymnastics, track, palates, and even a little weight lifting. She loved designer clothes, having her nails done, tanning, make-up, and just looking good. She watched her weight and understood that in order to look good, she had to spend a good deal of time exercising. She commented to me one time that some of her friends on her track team had less body fat than she did and that they could run faster than she could. It was just a passing comment but I remember her saying it, and I most definitely noticed that she was bothered by this. One day, Sarah and I drove over to the soccer field to pick Grace up from a soccer practice. Grace got into the car sweating. Her face was as red as a tomato. Sarah handed her a Gatorade and a snack. Grace just sat there contentedly guzzling her drink. Sarah looked back at Grace, then looked forward, looked back again at Grace again, and then stared straight at me. She said, “Hey, Dad, why didn’t you make me play soccer? Defensively, I said “I wanted you to play. Don’t you remember? You kicked the ball once, missed it, and fell on your head. Then you begged me not to make you play again. She answered me with, “SO? Why didn’t you make me?” Now I was the one who was starting to sweat. “You didn’t want to play! You wouldn’t let up until I agreed not to make you play,” I shot back Sarah then made a statement to me that I will never forget as long as I live. She said, “But, Dad, you’re supposed to be in charge.”
Where had I gone wrong seven years earlier? At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do was to give in to what Sarah wanted. But it turned out that I hadn’t done what she needed me to do. I had allowed a six year old to decide whether or not she wanted to play soccer. What had she really needed at the time? Sarah needed me to tell her that she was going to play soccer because I, as the parent, knew what was best for her and I wasn’t going to give her a way out. She wanted me to be in charge, not allow her to be in charge. I unknowingly had let her down.
When I teach my graduate courses, I always ask my adult students the following question: How many things did your parents let you get away with as a kid that you wish you had never gotten away with? I usually get lots of stunned looks from my students. Too often we allow our children to make choices and decisions that they have no business making. I see it all the time in supermarkets, stores, and malls. Parents giving in when their children demand they buy something or parents trying to coax their kids to stop crying or to stop running away from them. The children ignore their parents’ pleadings. Usually, the parents say something to their children like, “What do you want to do?” Honestly, who cares what they want, they’re three years old!
I’m not totally sure where this whole attitude has come from but I have my own theory that Dr. Benjamin Spock had a lot to do with it. Spock’s first book, Baby and Child Care” was first published in 1946 just in time for the baby boomer generation.In his book he spoke about feeding on demand, respecting your children, the need for flexibility, and the lack of the necessity to worry about spoiling. The paperback sold more than 50 million copies and was translated into 30 languages. Critics of Spock claimed that he was “the father of permissiveness.”
In later years, Spock claimed that he never changed his basic philosophy on child care and that it was imperative to respect children because they’re human beings and they deserve respect. But he seemed to retreat somewhat from his teachings when he made statements such as “I’ve always said ask for respect from your children, ask for cooperation, ask for politeness. Give your children firm leadership.” Years later, he became more moralistic and he said that parents should give their children strong values and encourage them to help others. This is only supposition but I hypothesize that Spock may have decided that he didn’t like what he saw in society and realized that he may have played a part in the screwing up of generations. In later editions of the book originally titled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, Dr. Spock stressed that children needed standards and that parents also had a right to respect. He stated in his book that parents were starting to become afraid of imposing on the child in any way.
I’m not claiming to be an expert on child rearing but I do know that if children are fed on demand, they will be demanding. If children are allowed to say anything they want, they will be disrespectful. If they are not held accountable, they will be irresponsible. And if there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior, they will be non-compliant. Parents today always ask…What can we do with our kids today? My question is…What are we going to do with these parents?
Once I relinquished my natural right as a parent to make decisions for my children, I was never truly able to reestablish my parental authority. From the moment that my daughter convinced me to allow her to make the choice not to play soccer, she learned she had the power to make basically every decision that came along in her life whether large or small. And the saddest part of all of this for me is that my daughter blames me because I wasn’t strong enough NOT to let her assume a role she was never designed to play in her own young life.
Dr. Spock has since passed away, and I think many of us looking for a new voice to offer us some solid advice to help us sort out the mess we are in today.
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by James Burns | Oct 28, 2018 | James Burns, Parents, Teachers, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
Going to a Catholic grammar school for nine years had its benefits. We had to wear uniforms so there wasn’t any clothes competition. We went to church all the time so we got some formal spiritual training. You couldn’t even think of using profanity because you thought the nuns could read your mind and would find out what you were thinking. We learned good penmanship. We were respectful, compliant, and responsible.
The crazy thing is no one gave me a choice in any of these areas I was forced to do them. It wasn’t like the nun said to me you can go to church if you like, or why don’t you try to hold your pencil this way, or is that the way to speak to someone? If I didn’t do it the way it was supposed to be done, my blood stains would be on the floor.
As I look back at this experience, the one thing that I realize is that this type of education taught me something that no one talks about today and that’s self-control. The majority of the problems that a person faces in their life are related to a lack of self-control. Everybody either eats too much, drinks too much, spends too much, can’t control their temper, lusts after things that they can’t have like someone else’s spouse, and develops habits that they can’t break that could kill them or someone else like smoking or driving too fast. Now why does all this happen? Well, I never remember my parents or any teacher in my life saying to me the choice is yours: You can smoke or not. You can lose your temper or not. You can overeat or not.
Self-control is taught. If I did something that exhibited a lack of self-control, I got grabbed by someone and got reamed out or in the worst case scenario got clobbered. I was taught to wait on line, raise my hand, take my time, practice until I got it right, memorize, and I got drilled on skills that every-one knew were necessary for life long success. Look, musicians practice endless hours to perform a single piece of music. Students study instead of watch TV. Athletes devote years of their lives to prepare for an Olympic event that may last only a few minutes.
The concepts of self-control, delayed gratification and discipline seem so counter to our cultural values. We use our credit cards because we want things right away. We become impatient if we wait more than a few moments at a drive-through at McDonald’s. We eat ourselves into obesity and poor health because it feels good, with little consideration of the long-term consequences. Self-control should be graded in school and looked at as a quality necessary for success as an adult. If you or someone you know is having trouble with self-control I have a good friend named Sister Houlihan who still thinks self-control is important. She is 4 feet 8 inches tall and she can still make a grown man hold his pencil the right way!
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