by James Burns | Oct 21, 2018 | James Burns, Respect, Responsibility, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
Many years ago, a wonderful friend of mine asked me what the smallest part of the body is. I was very young and probably very stupid at the time. I responded with “Duh, a finger.” He commented to me, “No it’s the tongue.” He also said to me that although the tongue is the smallest part of the body, it can do the most damage. I never forgot the conversation that I had with him. Unfortunately he has since passed away and I miss him dearly. Even at 63 years old I could sure use a lot more of his advice and teaching today.
Our words can really do some damage. Damage sometimes that can be life long.Sometimes we don’t even know what were doing. Maybe we just were never taught how to keep quiet. Kids and adults can shoot their mouth off and think that they are being funny or that they’re standing up for themselves. In reality they may be doing more harm than good.
I was watching a baseball game very recently and watched one of the players go crazy over a called third strike. This is a grown man. He had to be restrained by three other players and the manager. Of course, he was thrown out of the game. He was also suspended for three games right in the middle of a pennant race. I guess he really showed them. What a dope.
We also like to have laughs at someone else’s expense. My philosophy is if we both aren’t laughing, it’s not funny. Kids today have a real problem with behavior like this. They say things, get a laugh and really hurt the feelings of another person. I don’t even think that they are aware of the fact that people are listening and not everyone is impressed with their wit. Plus, they are creating a negative image of themselves in the minds of other people.
That wonderful friend of mine who talked to me about the tongue was also full of illustrations and stories that were inspiring and instructional. He illustrated this societal problem with a true story that I always refer to as the “Deaf Boy Story” and it is worth sharing here.
There were two boys who were brothers. One of the boys was deaf. They had a friend who hung around with them all the time. This friend was the biggest jokester on two feet. He was always telling jokes or making fun of someone or something. One day, the three boys were headed out of the house. This jokester started to make fun of the way the deaf boy spoke. The deaf kid of course couldn’t hear,and the brother gave a half hearted laugh as they left the house. No harm no foul? The deaf kid didn’t hear so no one got hurt. No one else heard right? No one heard except the deaf kid’s father who was reading the paper in the den.
Let’s fast forward the tape. At the time of this incident, these two boys were sophomores in college. Two years went by and they both graduated with degrees in business administration. Both boys went on the job hunt. This jokester had an interview with a large insurance company. He had to go through one more phase of the hiring process which was to meet the vice – president of the company. Who do you think the vice-president was? The deaf kid’s father. Unfortunately the only perception he had of this young man was that this boy had made fun of his son! It cost the young man the job.
People hear and they watch, too. You never know when you are going to need someone or something. The things that are the greatest desires of our hearts are the things that will be withheld from us because of our past words or actions. Self-control is important and, if your tongue, a one ounce body part, has more control over you than you have over it, it will cost you when least expect it. You never know.
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by James Burns | Oct 19, 2018 | Behavior Management, James Burns, Respect, Responsibility, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
Thank God for Nick at Night. You know the station that gives you shows like “Leave it To Beaver” or “Lassie.” I was watching“Leave it To Beaver the other day” and could not help but notice how all the adults were called Mr. and Mrs. No Ms. back then. Of course, Eddie Haskell was a bit of a phony when he addressed Beaver’s parents. “Hello, Mrs. Cleaver” or “Hello, Mr. Cleaver.” Then Eddie would run up to Wally’s room and refer to Wally’s dad as “Your old man.”
The question I asked myself is whatever happened to Mr. and Mrs.? Even when I worked as a principal the students called me Burns not Mr. Burns. I listen to my kids refer to their friends mom or dad as Colleen, Tony, Rich, or Barbara.
Lets face it…respect is just not there any more. Everyone thinks that the ground is level. Is anyone in charge out there or is a kid our peer? The less respect kids have for the casual adults they meet, the less respect they will have for teachers, police officers, and yea their employers.
Let’s see if we can turn the tide a little. Speak to the parents of your kids friends and call them Mr. or Mrs. especially in front of your kids. Let’s get our kids to show respect for folks that are older than they are and make them aware that the ground is not level, somebody is older and smarter than they are so they should be treated that way.
I have a dear friend who I have known for 25 years. He has four boys between the ages of 26 and 39. I have known them since they were teenagers and younger. They were calling me Mr. Burns up until 5 years ago. That is when I told them to call me Jim.
by James Burns | Oct 8, 2018 | James Burns, Parents, Relationships, Respect, Responsibility, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
SECTION ONE
THOUGHTS ON THE FAMILY
BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN AT THE “FAMILY TABLE” YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR FAMILY TREE
It never ceases to amaze me how we can believe that an actor/actress on a commercial is really the character he or she portrayed on a sitcom. Watching T.V. the other night, Roseanne Barr was doing a commercial on Nick@Nite talking about the importance of having dinner at the “family table.” So the commercial flashed back to her and John Goodman on a Roseanne episode sitting at the dinner table engaged in an argument which was supposed to be funny to the viewer. The point of the commercial was that it doesn’t matter what goes on at the family table as long as you have one.
As a kid, we had a family table. It was a war zone. I’m sure that many people can relate to my family table, and I am sick of calling it that, too. (What is this new term –family table- anyway?) In my house, the family table was more like the family zoo. It didn’t really dawn on me how crazy it was until my sister started dating, and she would bring one of her boyfriends home for dinner. The poor guy would sit there and watch as my father cooled a baked potato. You know, the way everyone does it. Take the potato out of the skin with a fork and hold it about two feet in the air for about 15 seconds and stare at the steam. Then wave it up and down like a magic wand 4 or 5 times until you think it is cool. We all knew it was still hot. He would start to eat it, and then he would leave his mouth half open while he sucked air in to try to cool it.
You see, my father was a short order cook when he was younger, and he was also a mess sergeant in the army. I guess he thought that made him some sort of chef. He always complained about my mother’s cooking. She wasn’t very open to his comments either which led to the battle lines being drawn between the two of them.
My dad also watched his diet; his dinners consisted of a small piece of protein, a vegetable, a potato, and a slice of bread. My mother consistently made those meals for him every night for dinner. But she always fed my two sisters and me the good stuff; you know, all starch and no protein. That really got to him. The question he always asked was, “Why are you feeding them that?”
I tell you, he was purely disgusted by the meals we ate. My father didn’t want me to get fat, but I did. I never knew when he was going to make another negative comment about my diet. One night I ate about a pound of macaroni and meat sauce and a loaf of Italian bread for dinner while he had his standard sparse dinner. He didn’t say one word to me about what I was eating; he just watched. It was almost fun eating dinner with him. I was surprised, but very relieved that he had let me eat my delicious dinner in peace without making one negative comment about my unhealthy dinner.
About two hours later I sneezed. I said, “I think I’m getting a cold.” That was a mistake. He couldn’t wait to jump on that. He said, “Well, that stuff you ate for dinner tonight, you could catch anything from that, and you gobbled it up like dog food.” My father, the general, won that battle after all. He got me.
There were many little idiosyncrasies he had. One day he picked up the butter dish at the dinner table and he found a hair in it. A riot nearly broke out. He walked away from the dinner table thinking that it might be a pubic hair. He wore dentures that were out of his mouth every waking minute that he wasn’t eating or working. They usually fell out of his mouth when he started to yell. That’s when he would rip them out of his mouth so he could finish his tirade. Before he came to the table his teeth had to be brushed, cleaned, and rinsed for about 10 minutes. My mother would call him to dinner really early so he would have time to get his dentures polished up. She knew he hated cold food and didn’t want to listen to him complain.
One night he was going through his denture ritual spit shining his teeth for an unusually long time. My mother must have called him to the table for 20 minutes. He finally sat down, took three bites of food, and looked at me and said, “Cold.”
My mother went nuts because she had done everything humanly possible to get him to the table while the food was still hot. He proceeded to laugh at her outburst which predictably ended in another battle. This time, the general had the land mine perfectly placed and she stepped on it.
Diet was always on my father’s mind. One evening, my sister was leaving for a friend’s house at the dinner hour. My father said to her, “Aren’t you going to eat dinner with us?” She said, “No, I ’m eating at Carol’s house.” He said, “Oh you are.” After she left he looked at me and said, “She’ll eat those greasy foods over there and have fat legs like Carol.” Lucky for her! She got out before the general decided to open fire.
My oldest sister left home and moved to New York when she was 21 years old. I just can’t imagine why. She would come back to visit once a month or so. My sister had the ability to eat fast, and I mean really fast, like she was going to the electric chair. My father, on the other hand, was the slowest eater on the planet. She would be finishing eating and he would just be getting started. When she was done eating she got up and started to clear the table and do the dishes. In a small kitchen the strong smell of Lux Liquid started to become really noticeable. Not to mention my sister’s soapy hands clearing the table were leaving soap suds behind – you guessed it – on my father’s food. War, this meant war. My sister didn’t have a chance to surrender and throw up the white flag. She was blown right out of the house and back to Brooklyn Heights.
The Family Table is a popular new term that is supposed to mean that dinner time is where families should be talking, and building strong relation-ships. This is a good idea. But in my case because of my father’s personality and food related phobias, our “family table” was not the place this could happen. Remember, you don’t need the family table to talk to your kids. You can talk to your kids in the family car. I love spending time with my own kids. I don’t have to be at a dinner table. We’re all too fat anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that we have dinner together and chat and enjoy each other’s company, but not because Roseanne says I should, but because it is something that’s fun.
Society always tries to hook some gimmick to things that occurred years ago in a very natural way. In my case my father had more conversations with me in the car than he did at the dinner table. We always went on long car rides and having conversation was a very natural thing to do. I have more conversations with my kids in the car and while we are working on projects than I do at the dinner table. Try talking to your kids without food in your mouth.They might hear what you’re saying a little better.
by James Burns | Sep 10, 2018 | Bully Proof Classroom, James Burns, Lesson Plans, Respect
by James Burns | Feb 8, 2018 | Conduct or Clinical, James Burns, Respect
Kids who have conduct problems should not be confused with kids who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Kids with this disorder are lacking an important piece of their personality: a conscience. These kids say and do things and can justify and defend their position to a point where it almost makes sense to others. Pretty disturbing. This kid can, at times, make you believe that when they bullied someone, the victim deserved the treatment. They lack empathy and have little or no remorse for their actions. They are truly anti-social and everyday are moving closer to becoming the adult sociopaths that makes the news for committing cruel and bizarre acts in society. He/she needs to be helped right now. His actions need to be watched and documented. He/she needs a combination of consequence and compassion, with the goal of helping him/her develop a greater regard for the rights and privileges of others (respect). Make no mistake about it; this kid has the potential to be dangerous. Accept no excuses, keep a balanced approach (consequence and compassion), don’t feel sorry for him, and help him/her change what may already be made up in his/her mind.
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by James Burns | Jan 23, 2018 | Bully Proof Classroom, Character Qualities, Parents, Principles, Respect, Schools
I had a friend whose son was getting ready to go off to his freshman year of college. We drove him up to his college and we intended to stay up there for three days. During the five hour car ride there, he kept insisting that we leave after we dropped him off. We told him that we were definitely staying over for at least one night. After we moved him in we took him to dinner and walked around campus with him. I watched his body language and I realized that even though he had lobbied for us to leave in the car for five hours, he was glad we stayed.
This story is not unique. Parents today have a terrible time when their children leave home. That’s because they know deep down that they haven’t done enough to prepare their children for independence. Children today are not given enough basic responsibilities as they grow and aren’t prepared for all that lies ahead in their lives. These children haven’t learned enough about survival out in the dog eat dog world. They are emotionally immature.Emotionally mature people have certain characteristics that make it easy to recognize them. What are these characteristics and what does an emotion-ally mature person look like?
Emotionally Mature People are Respectful
People who are emotionally mature is respectful. They don’t live and die by the saying…I’ll give respect when I get respect. They are respectful to everyone regardless of how they are treated. They have an appreciation for the rights and privileges of another person and therefore can accept differences of opinions gracefully.
Emotionally mature people have a built- in set of values that won’t allow them to use their words or actions to be disrespectful to anyone. Emotion-ally mature people enjoy another other people’s successes and are ready to offer praise to others for their accomplishments. Emotionally mature people know how to respond to authority and know how to work with their employers regardless of whether or not they like their boss.
When I was a young teacher, I was very immature emotionally. I had my Masters Degree in administration when I was 25 years old. I thought I had all the answers. I believed every boss I had was an idiot. I wanted to be an administrator so I could be the boss. I applied for one administrative job after another both in and out of the school district where I worked. But no one would hire me. I didn’t realize the reason I wasn’t being hired at the time. However, later I learned why I hadn’t been offered a job. It was because during the interview process, the interviewers who were all administrators themselves and they detected my “know it all” attitude. They were wise enough to know that a “know it all” attitude would not make a good administrator.Since I had tenure as a classroom teacher, I thought I could say and do whatever I wanted. I was rude and discourteous to my supervisor. I actually bullied him. I remember walking into his office one day and seeing him literally panic. To me, it looked like he was about to break down in tears. I felt proud of the power I had to intimidate this man.
My administrator asked me to take an extra class because I had so few kids in my other classes. I said, “I’m not doing it. If you think you can assign it to me, I’ll go to union and register a complaint against you.” He started begging me to do take the class. At this point, my assumption was he had been told by the principal to get this done and I refused.
I was a nightmare as an employee. I acted like I was the boss. My poor attitude reached incredible heights when I would go out for lunch. I found nothing wrong with having a few drinks and then going back to school to teach children in the afternoon. Luckily, I happened to read a biblical verse that hit me like a bolt of lightning. It said that those who are responsible in the little things will be given the bigger things.
I remember sitting quietly after I read these words. Finally, I understood how wrong my attitude had been. I said to myself, it’s time to grow up. It’s time to be a man. I put myself into my boss’s place and I knew I had put him through a living hell by just dealing with me on a daily basis. I went to my boss very respectfully and apologized for my attitude. I told him that I would do anything to help him. Never will I forget the look of pure relief on his face. Also, I became a contributor at faculty meetings, stopped listening and contributing to rumors and gossip in the faculty room. I did anything that I was asked to do with a nice attitude.
Continuing to apply for administrative positions, I was called for interview with a district superintendent. At the conclusion of the interview, the superintendent asked me for a current reference. I did something that I hadn’t been able to do during any of the previous interviews: I gave him the name of my current supervisor..the man who I had apologized to for my disrespect and who had been on the receiving end of my horrible attitude. I gave my supervisor the power to decide if I was going to become and administrator or not. My supervisor was such a good guy. He only remembered that I apologized to him and that I was now showing him the respect he deserved. What a class act he was. He could have used that opportunity to really put the screws to me. But he didn’t. Instead, he gave me a wonderful reference. I got that job! If I hadn’t grown in my emotional maturity during this time period, I never would have become an administrator; A job that I so desperately wanted.
The next observation that I have made about emotionally mature people is that they are respectful to their parents. I have worked with hundreds of students who were discipline problems. The one thing they all had in common is that they were rude and discourteous to their mother and father. The next observation that I have made about emotionally mature people is that they are respectful to their parents. I have worked with hundreds of students who were discipline problems. The one thing they all had in common is that they were rude and discourteous to their mother and father. These students almost went out of their way to bully their parents and were always telling them to shut up. Most times the students treated their parents like they were second class citizens. People who are emotionally mature have respect for the position that a parent has in their life. They respect their parent’s age and their opinions.
My parents were very tough to deal with. Even as I got older, I always viewed them as somewhat meddling. The bottom line: They were my parents and, if nothing else, I owed them respect. I always have concerns when I observe young men or women treating their parents with disrespect. I know somewhere down the road they will regret their actions. Unfortunately by that time, it may be too late.
Next The Principle of Honesty
