by James Burns | Nov 8, 2018 | Kids and Stress, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
Before the 1960’s, most people watched television in black and white and looking back at what society was like fifty years ago, it seems like people looked at life in terms of black and white as well. Things were either right or they were wrong. There wasn’t too much in between. Some of the things we viewed as wrong were disrespectful children, smoking pot, and sex before marriage. Some of the things society viewed as right were children not talking back to their parents or teachers and conservative dress. If you want to look back and see exactly what society viewed as right versus wrong, just watch an old episode of Leave It to Beaver for some fun and a little proof.
After World War II, a new kind of generation was born in the United States. Because of the after effects of the War, the United States experienced an economical boom which resulted in high income jobs with unemployment rates at an all time low. Education was also enhanced by the government and universities and colleges were encouraging people to get a college degree. Education was cheap and was readily available. In fact, many took college courses to help get promoted and to open up higher paying job opportunities
Because of this lifestyle; many people became financially secure. This financial freedom allowed people to have more children and there was a significant increase in birth rates. People who were born within this period are called baby boomers. Baby boomers were born between the years of 1946-1964.
To me, it seems like things really changed during this generation. Dr. Spock came along and his book that became a child rearing bible for many people, and parents changed their approach to raising their children. It started to become in vogue for parents to be less authoritarian and more liberal in their child rearing approach. The result? The baby boomers themselves took this to an extreme when they began to have children themselves. They took this more liberal mentality and kicked it up a huge notch and moderation was taken to excess.
Baby boomer parents believed that their babies and then their children had the right to decide everything. This included when they got fed, what they wanted to eat, what they wanted to wear and what they wanted to say and do. The idea was children had the right to choose.For baby boomer children, things were no longer black and white. Nothing was totally wrong anymore. Everything was allowed or could be rationalized in some way. Parents couldn’t establish rules in black and white because it might hurt their child’s self esteem. At all costs, adults had to make children feel good about themselves. The idea came into popularity that parents have to “respect” their children.
The concept of respect is a great idea and children should be loved and respected, but it was taken to a rather ridiculous extreme. Respect for children came to mean allowing them to say and do anything they wanted. Baby boomer children no longer learned self control in their words and actions. This actually resulted in children feeling entitled and not showing respect for anyone else but themselves. Basically, baby boomer children became extremely selfish, self-indulgent, arrogant and demanding. Everything was about feeling good about themselves but for no apparent reason no matter what the cost.
We are now dealing with the children of baby boomers. They are being referred to as the millennial generation and now generation X,Y, and Z. Only time will tell what their problems will be. One thing that seems for sure is that the days of right and wrong/black and white are gone forever. You can watch “Leave It To Beaver” on MeTV.
by James Burns | Oct 30, 2018 | Dealing With Angry And Irate Parents Conference, Education, James Burns, Kids and Stress, Leadership, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
I played baseball in high school and college. I even played in an over thirty league back in the mid eighties. When my child Sarah was born in 1991, baseball wasn’t something I thought she would ever be interested in. But when she was about six, I took her over to the park to hit some baseballs. She picked up the balls after I hit them, and she got up to bat. She hit a few balls, and she even ran the bases.
Sarah had and still has athletic ability- good hand eye coordination, flexibility, strength and agility. When Sarah was seven, she came to me one day and said, “Hey dad can I play soccer?” “Sure,” I quickly responded. I went out and bought her a soccer ball, shin guards, and cleats. I signed her up for the recreational league in town. I must admit I was pretty enthused. We practiced kicking the ball in the backyard, and we were both getting pretty excited about her first game.
It was the Saturday of Sarah’s first game. She and I headed up to the soccer field. After some warm-up activities and a pep talk from the coach, the game started. To my surprise Sarah was in the starting line-up. Sarah ran up and down the field for the first ten minutes or so, and she finally had an opportunity to kick the ball. She took her first kick, missed the ball, and landed flat on her back. Sarah got up and came crying over to the sideline begging, “Don’t make me play anymore, Dad, I can’t do it.” Right then and there, Sarah refused to go back into the game.
When the game ended and we were walking to the car, Sarah continued to cry, “Don’t make me play, Dad, please, I don’t want to.”I mustered up all my courage and I said to her sternly, “You’re playing. You are playing. Now get in the car. On the way home, all I heard was a bunch of sniffling and whining. I didn’t have a very long ride home. I can tell you this, Sarah wore me out. I was emotionally exhausted by the time I arrived at home.
We pulled up into the driveway and I sat miserably in the car as I watched Sarah get out and walk into the house, sniffling and shaking as she walked through the front door. I sat stewing in the car and said to myself, “Who wants to play soccer anyway, dumb game.” I then attempted to further rationalize my thoughts by saying to myself, “Soccer’s for boys anyway.”I walked into the house, stood at the bottom of the stairs and yelled up the stairs, “SARAH.”She sniffled her way through a “Yeah, Dad.” I said, “Come down here.” After coming down the stairs, I said to her, “Look, Honey, you don’t have to play soccer if you don’t want to play. It’s OK with me.” Relief was all over Sarah’s face. She said, “Oh, thank you, Daddy!” Sarah gave me a big hug and kiss ran back upstairs.
Honestly, I felt like her hero. I was her knight in shining armor. I had just come through for her and given her exactly what she wanted. I was sure I had made the prudent decision. I didn’t even have to ask her mother’s opinion. I figured what’s the big deal since no harm was. I was content in the knowledge that I had allowed my six year old daughter to make her own decision. I have another daughter named Grace (Grace is six years younger than Sarah) who came to me when she was six years old and said, “Hey, Dad, can I play soccer?” I said, “Sure, honey.” The same routine started again, the shin guards, the cleats, the soccer ball, the practice, and finally the game. But this time, the outcome was much different. Grace ran enthusiastically up and down the field from one end to the other. She never got near enough to even touch the ball, but she had a great time. Grace came off the field with a look of absolute joy in her eyes and said to me, “Boy that was fun, Dad.”
She played the first season, and had a ball. She played the next season and really improved a lot. She wanted to score really badly, but didn’t have the opportunity. She still loved the game. To her, every game was an event, an outing that ended with a snack and a Gatorade, lunch, and a fun time spent with me.
While this was going on Sarah was into cheer leading, gymnastics, track, palates, and even a little weight lifting. She loved designer clothes, having her nails done, tanning, make-up, and just looking good. She watched her weight and understood that in order to look good, she had to spend a good deal of time exercising. She commented to me one time that some of her friends on her track team had less body fat than she did and that they could run faster than she could. It was just a passing comment but I remember her saying it, and I most definitely noticed that she was bothered by this. One day, Sarah and I drove over to the soccer field to pick Grace up from a soccer practice. Grace got into the car sweating. Her face was as red as a tomato. Sarah handed her a Gatorade and a snack. Grace just sat there contentedly guzzling her drink. Sarah looked back at Grace, then looked forward, looked back again at Grace again, and then stared straight at me. She said, “Hey, Dad, why didn’t you make me play soccer? Defensively, I said “I wanted you to play. Don’t you remember? You kicked the ball once, missed it, and fell on your head. Then you begged me not to make you play again. She answered me with, “SO? Why didn’t you make me?” Now I was the one who was starting to sweat. “You didn’t want to play! You wouldn’t let up until I agreed not to make you play,” I shot back Sarah then made a statement to me that I will never forget as long as I live. She said, “But, Dad, you’re supposed to be in charge.”
Where had I gone wrong seven years earlier? At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do was to give in to what Sarah wanted. But it turned out that I hadn’t done what she needed me to do. I had allowed a six year old to decide whether or not she wanted to play soccer. What had she really needed at the time? Sarah needed me to tell her that she was going to play soccer because I, as the parent, knew what was best for her and I wasn’t going to give her a way out. She wanted me to be in charge, not allow her to be in charge. I unknowingly had let her down.
When I teach my graduate courses, I always ask my adult students the following question: How many things did your parents let you get away with as a kid that you wish you had never gotten away with? I usually get lots of stunned looks from my students. Too often we allow our children to make choices and decisions that they have no business making. I see it all the time in supermarkets, stores, and malls. Parents giving in when their children demand they buy something or parents trying to coax their kids to stop crying or to stop running away from them. The children ignore their parents’ pleadings. Usually, the parents say something to their children like, “What do you want to do?” Honestly, who cares what they want, they’re three years old!
I’m not totally sure where this whole attitude has come from but I have my own theory that Dr. Benjamin Spock had a lot to do with it. Spock’s first book, Baby and Child Care” was first published in 1946 just in time for the baby boomer generation.In his book he spoke about feeding on demand, respecting your children, the need for flexibility, and the lack of the necessity to worry about spoiling. The paperback sold more than 50 million copies and was translated into 30 languages. Critics of Spock claimed that he was “the father of permissiveness.”
In later years, Spock claimed that he never changed his basic philosophy on child care and that it was imperative to respect children because they’re human beings and they deserve respect. But he seemed to retreat somewhat from his teachings when he made statements such as “I’ve always said ask for respect from your children, ask for cooperation, ask for politeness. Give your children firm leadership.” Years later, he became more moralistic and he said that parents should give their children strong values and encourage them to help others. This is only supposition but I hypothesize that Spock may have decided that he didn’t like what he saw in society and realized that he may have played a part in the screwing up of generations. In later editions of the book originally titled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, Dr. Spock stressed that children needed standards and that parents also had a right to respect. He stated in his book that parents were starting to become afraid of imposing on the child in any way.
I’m not claiming to be an expert on child rearing but I do know that if children are fed on demand, they will be demanding. If children are allowed to say anything they want, they will be disrespectful. If they are not held accountable, they will be irresponsible. And if there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior, they will be non-compliant. Parents today always ask…What can we do with our kids today? My question is…What are we going to do with these parents?
Once I relinquished my natural right as a parent to make decisions for my children, I was never truly able to reestablish my parental authority. From the moment that my daughter convinced me to allow her to make the choice not to play soccer, she learned she had the power to make basically every decision that came along in her life whether large or small. And the saddest part of all of this for me is that my daughter blames me because I wasn’t strong enough NOT to let her assume a role she was never designed to play in her own young life.
Dr. Spock has since passed away, and I think many of us looking for a new voice to offer us some solid advice to help us sort out the mess we are in today.
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by James Burns | Feb 16, 2017 | James Burns, Kids and Stress, Parents, The Bully Proof Classroom
Huffington Post
10/31/2016 11:16 am ET | Updated Nov 02, 2016
Signe Whitson Author; School Counselor
In the last several years of working as a School Counselor and speaking with professionals, parents and students across the United States on the topic of Bullying Prevention, one of the observations that stands out to me the most is that parents, in general, are very eager to talk about bullying while their kids, on the other hand, seem to want to do anything but talk to their parents about this topic. The more parents pry, the more kids withdraw. The more parents push, the harder kids push-back — with excuses, minimizations, abrupt subject changes, stonewalling, silence, and sometimes even complete denial that a peer problem exists.
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by James Burns | Dec 25, 2015 | Bully Proof Classroom, James Burns, Kids and Stress
Only adults are under stress right? Well not really. Stress is relative to situations and age. Worrying about paying your bills at the age of forty is probably the equivalent of worrying about having your lunch money stolen at the age of ten. So kids do worry, suffer from anxiety and feel the discomfort of stressful situations as much as an adult. A parent or a teacher may not take the child’s stress as seriously because they have their own stress and the kids stress just seems to be hard to understand. They may communicate their worry to us and it may get blown off with words like “don’t worry about it, or when I was your age, or you don’t know how good you have it.”
Mom and Dad Can’t Do It
Adults don’t manage stress well in our society; and there is a lot to be stressful about: the economy, unemployment, relationships, and their own upbringing; which has everyone dragging the baggage of their own imprint from childhood into adulthood. That youth conflict that they had at the age of ten is now an adult conflict and they are still searching for answers to some of life’s most basic problems and that includes how to handle stress.
Evolution
From an evolutionary standpoint the brain stem or the reptilian brain developed first, that’s where the heart rate, respiration and adrenalin flow comes from. Something the caveman needed as he battled and hunted animals for food or ran away from when he was at a disadvantage and felt like he was going to lose the battle. That type of stress was necessary for survival and one minute or two of this type of stress helped keep this guy healthy and fed. But what happens when a brain is placed under stress for years, like thirteen; the amount of time that a kid spends in school. Stress hormones end up swamping our bodies for days, weeks, months. Research shows that cortisol, specifically, chews up the brain if it loiters there long-term. When lab rats in Israel, Germany, USA, China, and Italy were given daily injections of rat cortisol for several weeks, it killed brain cells in their hippo-campus region, leaving them depressed, anxious, fearful, immature, needy, and unable to learn new behaviors.
None of this is good for the adult brain, but children’s fast-developing brains with dendrites numbering in the millions are especially vulnerable to the ravages of cortisol. Study after study has found that children who are exposed to extremely stressful situations — via violence in the home or corporal punishment — have significantly lower IQ’s than children not exposed to such traumas.
Different Reasons For Stress
In a modern society we don’t battle saber tooth tigers, our stress come from slow drivers, our kids, our boss, and at times our spouse, and other things that frankly we have very little control over. We worry, fret, get uneasy when we have to have a confrontation and we assume too many responsibilities that we were never intended to have. For sure at times we put ourselves in bad situation because of poor choices and the lack of self control by over eating, drinking, spending, and by going crazy when the toothpaste tube doesn’t have a cap on it. Unwittingly we put our minds and bodies under constant stress and we operate in a state of constant survival. The primary function of the brain is survival of its owner and all that stress puts us in survival mode daily with those stress hormones eroding our brains. We will either run or fight but in reality as a society we don’t handle stress very well. It makes us sick, obese, it could result in the onset of high blood pressure, heart problems and type 2 diabetes. We meditate, exercise, practice yoga, seek therapy, and when all else fails we begin to believe in God again and pray.
Our Kids Need The Help
A bleak picture you say. Well yes it is, but things will get bleaker if we don’t help our kids manage stress and develop the resiliency to cope with the trials of life. There are more young people today who are anxious, depressed, and who fear age appropriate responsibilities then in past generations. Responsibilities that are just basic to a household like taking out the garbage or to school like completing a homework assignment. This fear of responsibility has resulted in higher levels of anxious and depressed adolescents than ever before. In America today, high school and college students are five to eight times as likely to suffer from depressive symptoms as were teenagers 50 or 60 years ago, according to Psychology Today.
Responsibilities Produce Pressure
When kids are not held accountable for their responsibilities and are let off the hook they begin to view their responsibilities as nothing more than pressure from adults. They are completely aware of what they need to do but lack the motivation and the desire to complete tasks or follow through on requests from anyone. This awareness with age activates that fight or flight mechanism that we mentioned earlier and kids will either start arguments when they are confronted by an adult with a request (like completing a homework assignment, or taking out the garbage) or run for the hills and disappear when there is work to be done. This now young adult feels the stress and may become anxious or depressed. They can get labeled as lazy, disaffected, unmotivated, and careless. They may seek to ease the stress through the use of a substance such as alcohol or a prescription medication that is gotten either legally or illegally and may begin to think hypochondriacally. (Believing that they may become or are seriously ill)
Responsible Behavior Can Reduce Stress
Do we need to help kids manage stress in a more effective manner or do we need to help kids take their responsibilities more seriously? Irresponsible behavior leads to stress. What is done in moderation as a child gets done in excess as an adult and adults currently are not managing stress very well. The model that the kids are getting is one that stress gets handled by drinking, eating, spending, or medicating. Mom and Dad may just be producing children that manage stress far less effectively than they did and they weren’t very successful.
So let’s teach our kids to manage stress more effectively right? Wrong. Let’s teach our kids to be more responsible adults and instead of running or fighting help them learn to see responsibility as an opportunity rather than pressure.
Looking For The Plan? Jim Burns’ New Book ” Helping Kids Manage Stress” will be out in the spring of 2016. You can pre-order in the comments section.
