by James Burns | Sep 25, 2023 | Burns' Bench
Think of the lizard. It spends most of its life on the ground, envying the birds and indignant at its fate and its shape. “I am the most disliked of all the creatures,” it thinks. “Ugly, repulsive, and condemned to crawl along the ground.”One day, though, Mother Nature asks the lizard to make a cocoon. The lizard is startled -it has never made a cocoon before. It thinks that it is building his tomb, and prepares to die. Although unhappy with life it has led up until then, it complains to God: “Just when I finally became accustomed to things, Lord, you take away what little I have.”In desperation, it locks himself into the cocoon and awaits the end. Some days later, it finds that it has been transformed into a beautiful Butterfly. It is able to fly to the sky, and it is greatly admired.
in Maktub by Paulo Coelho
Change is not easy it’s difficult especially when we have spent a lifetime climbing the ladder of success only to discover after years of struggling that the ladder may have been leaning against the wrong wall. Understanding change can help us to realize the process and keep us from making decisions that are based on impulse and emotions. There are steps in the change process that we must consider if we are going to transform ourselves and become the best that we can be personally and professionally.
The Change Process
Change Is A Step Of Faith – Change can be so incremental that at times we don’t even notice the small successes that occur during the process. Think of going on a diet, you may not see the weight loss right away and can get frustrated when you only see small improvements. But, if you stay the course and have the faith that the right eating will improve your health and avoid weight related issues, one pound of weight loss per week will transfer into 52 pounds of weight loss at the end of a year. The same is true of personal growth. When we rise early, speak the truth, control our anger, and treat others with kindness and respect our actions will then speak louder than words. The success we experience because of our actions will result in greater confidence and we will then be motivated to truly have a heartfelt attitude that will result in a change from the inside out. Professionally when we take the time to understand others and slowly work with them to help change their behavior our confidence will grow and we will realize the benefits of our actions. Research has shown that it takes 6-7 attempts for a person to permanently change their behavior. Be persistent and stay the course. Your confidence will grow and so will the confidence of those that you love and care about.
Change Is Painful – Often physical change can be easier than a change in our mind or emotions. Becoming more mindful can help us change physically for sure, and in reality that may be the easy part. The painful part is changing our attitudes about our circumstances, and environmental upbringing. Adopting a more positive outlook, learning to stop worrying, being more accepting of others and forgiving of life and others can be a challenge, but well worth the effort. Try to understand that you can forget the past, but at times the past won’t forget you.
Change Requires Patience and We Will Revisit Old Behaviors From Time to Time – Mistakes are made; if we have made a commitment to change our behavior or habits realize that patience with ourselves is the key. Don’t throw in the sponge if you lost your temper or ate one too many slices of pizza. Get back on track and re-commit yourself to the process and get back in the game as quick as you can. You may have failed this time, but that doesn’t make you a failure.
We Must Be Willing – Some people quit smoking every New Year’s Day only to start again when stressful situations arise. The problem is not with their attitude but with their willingness to change. When we can will ourselves to do something nothing will get in the way. We just have to want something bad enough to make the change.
It Requires Positive Thinking and Positive People – The first responsibility that we and we alone have is for our thoughts. As we think we begin to say things and act on those thoughts. Positive energy requires positive thinking. Work to fill your mind with as many positive thoughts as you can. Read inspiring books, meditate, exercise, take a yoga class, or pray. Maintain friendships with people with the same thought process and eliminate those that are negative or trying to discourage you from following your road map to success.
It Is The Prerequisite For Greatness – Because our desire is to change physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually is so important we will place them in high priority. With every great break through there will be a break with. The process will lead us down a path a path where we will realize that because we have made changes we can insert these changes in many areas of our life that benefit ourselves and others. We will become more confident and courageous and won’t fret over small things because the changes we have made have in their own way provided us with the answers to some of life’s most basic questions.
It Requires Consistency and Flexibility – If our goal is to become more punctual at work and in our personal life being consistent will help with maintaining that habit. However, others may be less concerned with being on time than you are. Be as flexible as you can be with others without compromising your values. If you are waiting for someone to show up at the coffee shop let them know that they have 15 minutes grace before you leave. Flexibility and consistency helps us establish boundaries for ourselves and for others.
It Allows Us To Evaluate Our Motives – Why do we want to change? Is it for our own self improvement, or do we want to do what someone else wants us to do? If a person is trying to meet the expectations of another person while going against their own moral compass their motives need to be reevaluated. If a person’s behavior is having a negative impact or influence on a group or a family the behavior should change for the betterment of all of the group members.
It Strengthens Our Character – The old adage that character is what we do when no one is looking has a lot of merit here. To put on a show to make people believe that you are someone that you are not is high school stuff and should be avoided. When a person is alone and can resist partaking in a negative behavior that they have been working on is true success and true character. Way down deep in the chambers of a person’s soul sits the real truth and every person has to determine if their public life and private life line up as one indivisible whole.
Watch The Video From The Course Stress Management Through Balance
by James Burns | Sep 23, 2023 | Burns' Bench
“Do as I say not as I do,” a statement that we are all too familiar with. My dad was a WWII veteran and came home from the service with malaria, tuberculosis, and of course post-traumatic stress disorder. He was not athletic, but his eating habits would be those that would make any keto dieter proud. A protein, a vegetable, and a baked potato, that was his dinner and nothing more; except for his desert which would be two Lucky Strike cigarettes. Yes, he smoked about a pack a day. But, he preached to me to never ever even think about smoking those cancer sticks. I listened even though many of my friends were already into the cigarette habit. The other thing that he made very clear to me was that exercise was essential for good health, even though because of cigarettes he had trouble walking a flight of stairs. The service, stress, and cigarettes took him from us at 68 years old as a result of a stroke. Hold those thoughts.
Forty years go pretty quick, at 66 I began to wonder if 68 was going to be the end of the line for me. My sister died of a stroke at 67 so I questioned my cardiologist about what could be done proactively to prevent my early demise. He told me that we should start with a coronary artery calcium scan, a simple test to measure the amount of calcium in your coronary arteries, which is a predictor of heart attack and stroke. A high score is 400, mine was around 3,000. I was catheterized and it was discovered that much of the calcium was in the distal arteries of my heart, which was a good sign, I was put on a statin medication, and was told by my cardiologist that I had to be brutally honest with him regarding any chest pain that might come my way; I had no symptoms at the time, That was February 2022.
I told my wife Pat that I was not going to get away with this. Now I was always an athlete, walking, weightlifting, jumping rope (yes jumping rope) and stretching were all part of my day and I was always looking for ways to get in extra steps or do a few push-ups. But knowing what I now knew, embarked on a high intensity program that included weighted jump ropes, dead lifts, weighted squats, rowing motion and walking 5 miles per day. July of 2022 I was working in the yard and got a pain under my sternum that felt like I just ran a 100 yard dash in 10 degree weather. It passed, and it didn’t return until September; at that point I began to experience stable angina, which is pain on exertion and usually stops when you are at rest. I continued my intense exercise regimen and this went on until the end of the year. In January I visited my cardiologist and explained my symptoms. That was January 11, 2023. He immediately scheduled me for another catheterization on January 18, 2023.
On January 15, 2023 I went out for my walk, and after about one mile my stable angina began, which I was used to. The problem was it didn’t stop after I was through exercising and got significantly worse. I texted my cardiologist (He has been my doctor for 20 years) and he told me to go to the emergency room. I made the risky decision to wait until the following morning. At 4 am I woke my wife and had her drive me to the ER. This was January 16 and I was scheduled to be catheterized on January 18. I was admitted to the hospital on the 16th and waited for the procedure.
I met with the doctor who was going to perform the procedure, he had also catheterized me the first time and we were both figuring on a stent or two. Not so, he spoke with me after the procedure and informed me that I was 99% blocked in the main artery of the heart along with 80-90% blocked in 3 other arteries of my heart. The only solution was coronary artery by-pass surgery. In reality, he was more disappointed than I was. I was sent back to my room, and the process began.
I had plenty of time to think. To think about my family history and how 20 years ago when I was going through a divorce smoked 5 packs of cigarettes a day. That was only for a short period of time but it was enough to cause such arterial inflammation that the only thing my body could do was to draw calcium to the site, which acted like spackle to protect the artery from rupturing. I also watched video after the video to help me understand what to expect throughout the process, ultimately surgery, and then post-surgery. I went into surgery around 3:30 pm on January 23, 2023.
I woke up the next day and knew from my research that I was going to have to cough up the oxygen tube in my throat which was going to hurt my chest a bit. One hard cough and it was out. I got up out of bed, with no problem, and stood up on my own with no problem and walked 1,000steps first time out while I was still in intensive care to the amazement of all staff. When I got up out of a chair on my own I informed my wife that his is why I did 100 squats a day while I was training for surgery.
I trained for a quadruple by-pass, and it worked. My squats (getting out of the chair), 5 mile walks (leg strength and muscle memory). Not to mention I was able to get out of bed on my own and walk around the cardiac ward on my own, and I was sent home 5 days after surgery. Once home I walked almost 1 mile my first time out and was up to 1.5 miles in 2 weeks.
Before I left the hospital my surgeon came in and informed me that the intense exercise that I did protected my heart and allowed it to create a collateral blood supply. He also informed me that my heart was in great shape and that the arteries and veins that were used for the grafting were also and these are his words, pristine. He informed me that the exercise that I did strengthened my heart and with the new vessels should give me another 20-25 years. Exercise is truly a new medicine.
My desire for intense exercise hasn’t changed. I am back jumping rope, weightlifting, and walking all pain free. It saved my life. Exercise doesn’t have to be intense though, walking and lite weights can make all the difference in a person’s health and wellbeing. Having a personal trainer that understands the needs of those who are looking to grow young can truly be the missing piece to those who want to sustain a successful exercise program
At 68 years old I am a NASM Certified Personal Trainer. My goal as a CPT is to help those who are a bit older (my age) and want to grow a bit younger through exercise. I enjoy working with groups and individuals alike and I provide three very important components that I believe are critical pieces in the battle for longevity.
1. Companionship Support
Having someone available to help motivate you and give you a little nudge when the desire for exercise just isn’t there is so important. It keeps you from falling off the wagon of exercise and helps you meet your goals. I initially provide that companionship and will exercise with you until you get the hang of it, get on schedule and then help you discover others who are like minded and who will continue your exercise journey.
2. Instrumental Support
Instrumental support is when someone receives accurate information regarding behavior and a topic. Giving sound advice about how to achieve optimal health and fitness and providing education about the current recommendations for physical activity. Understanding what works and what doesn’t as we grow older can be a daunting task. Things like how much time I need to walk each week, what exercises give me the greatest benefit in the shortest period of time, or how to walk in doors. I provide that information for you and supply you with reading material that I have critiqued and would be appropriate to help a person meet their goals. I also will critique equipment for you, things like exercise bands, weight equipment, and at times novelty items. If you like going to the gym I will schedule time to go with you and instruct you on how to use select pieces of equipment that I believe would benefit you in your journey.
3. Social Support
Exercising in a group can help create camaraderie and can be fun and at times a bit competitive. It points people in the same direction and provides an atmosphere of love, caring, and empathy. It also can help with the development of new friendships, interests, and create some positive habits.
Exercise is a critical piece to one’s longevity, and research point to the fact that those who walk 6-9,000 steps per day reduce their risk of a heart attack or stroke by 60%. This is a no-brainer so if you are not exercising have a visit with your doctor and get cleared to do so. If you are exercising realize that regular medical checkups go hand in hand with a healthy lifestyle.
Jim Burns is a retired teacher and school administrator. He was awarded the degree of Doctor of Humane Letters by Gratz College for his work in the area of anti-bullying. He designed and wrote The Bully Proof Classroom, a graduate course that is available virtually and online. He is passionate about health, wellbeing and longevity and is a NASM certified Personal Trainer. Visit his website at www.bullyproofclassroom.com or contact him via email at besimplyfit23@gmail.com.
by James Burns | Mar 16, 2023 | Burns' Bench
It is with pleasure that I share this article. Let Joey know that he has received an A+ for his work in Anti Bullying. Hats off to the rest of your students as well. Let them know that they have my support and admiration. I am very proud of all of them. Hats off to you as well Danica for working with and encouraging your student’s in this vital area. 
My name is Danica and I volunteer with an after-school learning program for teens. We are currently studying about bullying. That is how we found your web page https://bullyproofclassroom.com/video-links/bullying-in-the-news
For extra credit, we encourage our students to do their own research. One of my students, Joey, found this page about preventing school bus bullying – www.transfinder.com/resources/school-bus-bullying-prevention
Joey asked if we could share this with you because there is nothing else like it on your page. He and I both thought it complimented the other resources. If you decide to add it, please let me know so I can share it with him. It would be a very positive message for Joey and his peers in the group.
Thanks for your consideration! 🙂
Danica
Teacher | Advisor
School Bus Bullying Prevention
by James Burns | Oct 19, 2022 | Sportsmanship
My daughter who is twelve participates in a variety of different sports, and activities. She is attending middle school right now and is involved with cheerleading both at the school and community level. What never ceases to amaze me is that every sport hands every participant a book on sportsmanship. In other words how should we treat members of the other team and our fellow teammates? What is even more interesting is that you get the feeling that the behaviors like respect, and responsibility, kindness, caring, and other character qualities are only deemed important when the individual is on public display because they don’t want to make the team look bad. As an example one handbook reads:
All students who represent ___________ School on an athletic team are expected to conduct themselves in such a manner as to reflect credit upon ________School.
I think what is a concern here are the words; on an athletic team. Suppose you are not on an athletic team? Student’s need to work on reflecting credit upon themselves, that will in tern help credit the school for contributing to the student’s life.
Let me make an important point here, if certain behaviors were worked on consistently and if individuals were measured by behaviors like respect and responsibility a handbook on sportsmanship would not be necessary. When there is a norm in place you don’t need rules. The problem is that society doesn’t have a norm any longer and wants to create a new norm that’s more situational and leaves people floating around in a gray abyss instead of understanding the benefits of a black and white mentality. If our norms were based on character many things would be understood and behaviors like disrespect, and unkindness would be the anomaly and those that displayed those behaviors would be on the outside looking in.
Sadly the problem that society faces is parents and the intergenerational tendencies. Sportsmanship handbooks weren’t necessary 40 years ago because parents understood the meaning of respect and wouldn’t dare question a coach or an official. On a personal note if I complained about a coach or a teacher to my father he would say the coach wasn’t tough enough on me. Today if a child goes home and complains about a coach the parents come right in in defense of their child berating the coach and their abilities. As the decades passed and complaining became the norm what one generation did in moderation the next one did in excess. Now coaches and teachers are always looking over their shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop because they corrected a student or an athlete. They knew that it is only going to be a matter of time before mom or dad came in to put them on the defensive.
The problem with parental over involvement comes at times from the lofty expectations that parents have for their children and at times they can vicariously try and live their life through their children which can create stress and tension for the child potentially impacting them throughout life. I started doing the math many years ago and finally worked out the numbers. There are about three thousand professional baseball players in the United States and that includes minor league teams. I am not including Japan or other countries that play in the World Baseball Classic every four years. There are eight billion people living on the planet. The chances are greater that a kid will be hit by lightning than becoming a professional baseball player. Professional baseball players are the cream, cream, and cream of the crop and have certain physical abilities that are innate to them and only them. When scouts talk about a five tool player they refer to a player’s ability to run with speed, has a strong throwing arm, can hit for average and hit with power, and can field their position well. These are all God given abilities that improve with practice but really it’s all about natural talent.
I am not too concerned about teenagers understanding those numbers, I think they do, but I don’t think that parents have a clear understanding of those statistics and further more believe that their kid is going to be the next Bryce Harper. It’s not the belief that’s troubling it’s what parent’s do with those beliefs that can make life miserable for a lot of people. Let’s be clear, coach’s coach, parent’s parent, player’s play, and officials officiate anytime these three things get co-mingled and they start stepping on each other’s toes it is a recipe for disaster with the player losing and I don’t mean the game.
As adults we have created this culture in a very innocent and unwitting way, and now we have to dismantle the Frankenstein Monster. We have to stop telling parents and children what they want to hear and be truthful about their academic and sports related ability regardless of any unrealistic parental expectations. Billy Beane of Moneyball fame was drafted in the first round by the New York Mets right out of high school. He was identified by scouts as that five tool player we spoke about earlier. He played for a short time in the major leagues and then went into scouting. He never made it as a player but became a successful general manager of the Oakland Athletics. He was successful, but not as the player that everyone thought he would be.
When Bryce Harper made it to the pros as an outfielder for the Washington Nationals Davey Johnson the then manager of the team asked him how he felt, Harper responded; “This is the most relaxed I have ever been in my entire life.” Harper knew that he was hit by lightning and that he was the one in eight billion who became a professional baseball player. He truly did make it. Everyone else will have to just keep on trying but in reality all kids have the potential to be great people but not all professional athletes. Even if a kid gets a scholarship and is all state in his sport he will always be a big fish in a small pond so let the kids have fun, let the coaches coach, and help parents understand how unrealistic expectations can do more harm than good.
Let’s Teach Kids How To Play Again
Dealing With Angry and Irate Parents
Listen To The podcast
by James Burns | May 18, 2022 | 101 Podcast, Rumors and Gossip, The Bully Proof Classroom
How to Have Gossip Free Conversations
By Jenny Dalton
Learn more about Jenny: www.butterfliesbullies.com and www.betterfriendsclub.com
Through a myriad of examples from Mother Nature, we can see that different species of plants and animals already know how to coexist; each providing something essential to balance the environment resulting in an ecosystem that supports the whole of life. As in Nature, so too in our communities, especially now.
— Lynn Twist
I think that the most insidious cultural practice we engage in as women and as a society is gossip. Telling someone something personal, or even mundane, about another person who is not present in the conversation is damaging to our relationships and beneath our innate intelligence. It’s damaging when the information is inevitably leaked back to the person in question. They have hurt feelings, and wonder why people choose to talk about them behind their backs. It’s also damaging to our ability as humans to have productive, planet and societal altering conversations, generative conversations that could create the world that I’d venture to say most if not all of us long to live in. Gossip is just lazy conversation.
As a great person (WHO?) once said, people who talk about other people are stupid, people who talk about ideas are not. That’s paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Why do we spend our precious human time on stupid conversations that are not furthering anything important. There is no time to waste at this point. We must engage in generative, supportive conversations to help save humanity and ourselves.
So, what is gossip? Let’s define it. According to the dictionary, gossip is:
- Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
- A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
- Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
Gossip is talking about another person when they are not present. Period. It doesn’t matter if the information you share is meant to be helpful. To me, the most insidious gossip is number three on that list, trivial conversation. Why? I think celebrity culture and Hollywood (and politics and sports) keep gossip culture alive and well so we will buy magazines, watch movies, and pay attention to the stories that the media and Hollywood want us to see rather than give ourselves the space we need to listen to our own hearts, our own inspiration, and use our time to create the means to have better relationships and a better world.
The difference between gossip and venting? Good question. Yes, sometimes we need to vent. People can be infuriating. Here are some options. Vent in a journal. Vent in a voicemail to yourself or an audio note that you then delete. Vent to your partner and request specific feedback on how to deal with this infuriating person. Allow venting to become a restorative practice for your communications skills and ability to discern what is important to you. Your anger and frustration with a person includes a lesson for you. Look for it with intention. Gossip however is debasing. It hurts us in our heart and in our gut. It is not a healing practice.
Gossip is a time suck. Let’s face it. Think about how much time you spend thinking about other people and the information you have about them that you want to tell someone else. Is it an hour a week? More? Five hours? How much time do you spend watching Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, HBO, Disney, YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, gossiping on WhatsApp, etc? How much time do you spend listening to other people’s stories? Filling your head with bullshit that won’t help humanity in the slightest. Ok. I get it. You don’t want to save humanity. Well, what about saving yourself? Your own mind. Your peace of mind.
I was a huge gossip in junior high and high school. As girls and women, we are taught to traffic and trade in this sort of information. It’s social currency in some cultures and being a gossip or the act of gossiping can be like the water we swim in. We don’t even see it as a problem. I literally spent so much time talking about other people, thinking I was being “social” that I neglected my studies and was a terrible friend. I was gossiped about too, mostly about my gossiping, and that hurt. One day, a good guy friend suggested I stop, that it was damaging my reputation. Did I want that? No. So, I stopped cold turkey as they say. Once I made an agreement to stop gossiping, it became harder to do — the stopping of gossiping. This is because I was inevitably confronted by tons of opportunities to talk about other people and the gossiping got louder and louder and louder. Once you realize how often you do it, you see it everywhere. Thus the challenge and the opportunity to shift and change.
Once I did shift, and I will give you some tips below, my mind quieted, my anxiety lowered. I no longer had to wonder if I’d get caught talking about others. And, you know what, I started talking about ideas and creative things that interested me and I got curious about other people and what interests them and what they are doing with their time. My life changed utterly and for the better. I also became a better and more loyal friend. Friends became more willing to share their deepest selves with me because they knew I would not tell anyone about what they said to me.
I’ve got this woman in my life now. We’re in our 50s and she is the biggest gossip. She’s also an amazing person, philanthropist, Mom, volunteer, community leader, etc. But when we are in social situations all she does is talk about other people. She’s hilarious. I actually laugh so much when I talk with her. But I don’t give back personal information about anyone else (and we live in a small town so I often know a lot of information about people we know in common). Anyhoo, my whole point is that it dumbs her down. Yes I’m being judgy. But it’s lazy conversation. We could be talking about what badass women we are and lifting each other up instead of chit chatting about what someone did with their weekend or who is getting a divorce, etc. I’ve tried shifting the conversation but she won’t go there. I think it’s insecurity on her part. Or she doesn’t trust me. I don’t know. I’ve told her I don’t gossip. But, this is her go to and her comedy. It’s ingrained in her behavior and I can’t make her want to stop.
If you are someone who is pained by gossip in any way … it makes you feel gross, you want to stop but can’t, you see the value in spending your time thinking about other things and talking about other, more productive and possibly planet altering things … then I urge you to try a gossip fast.
How to Take a Gossip Fast
- Make a commitment to not gossip for a set period of time. 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. Give yourself some time.
- Tell the people you are in regular communication with that you are on a gossip fast. Notice how they react.
- Notice when an urge to gossip arises.
- When the urge arises, remind yourself you are on a gossip fast.
- Keep at it. Keep noticing.
- How does it make you feel? Do you feel left out? Empowered? Free?
- Journal about your feelings. Really dig into them.
- Journal about the origin of gossip in your life. When did you start? How has it impacted your relationships? Friendships? Your inner peace? What has it cost you?
- Once your fast is complete, journal about it’s impact on your life now.
- Do you want to make a commitment to continue?
I started with a gossip fast here and there. It was challenging. But I haven’t gossiped in decades and my life is much improved. How?
How to Have Gossip Free Conversations
- Start a conversation with someone by asking them a powerful question. Get curious about their lives and what they are up to. Here are some examples to try:
- What’s been exciting to you lately?
- What have you been most passionate about this week, month?
- How are you spending your free time?
- What are you creating?
- How do you feel about the change in seasons … or something similar.
- What do you have planned for your next vacation? Where would you love to visit?
- What have you done lately to help our community?
- Tell people you do not gossip.
- Remind them that you do not gossip.
- Share something about yourself and your interests.
- Talk about a book you are reading or an inspiring idea you’ve discovered.
- Talk about anything but a person.
- Talk about music. A new band you love and why.
- Talk about art. What you love to do creatively. Do you love to cook, bake, sew, make ceramics, photography …
- Share about a cool spot in your town you just discovered.
- Ask how you can support this person in what they are doing creatively.
The media continually reminds us that we are pitted against one another, which I believe also breeds gossip. In truth, however, we are one community, and all is well. There is enough, and we are enough. When we bring the practice of collaboration and reciprocity into conscious view a kind of alchemy occurs. To make this magic happen, we need to shift our worldview from the “you-OR-me” world of scarcity and competition to the “you-AND-me” world of collaboration.
In a you-OR-me world, reciprocity and collaboration don’t fit. However, a you-AND-me world is full of collaboration and reciprocity! In that world, our resources are not only enough; they are infinite.
