The world is a lonely place. We have all heard this before. Eight billion people on the planet, yet many struggle with loneliness. I don’t mean being alone, we all enjoy our alone time now and again. I am talking about being in a room full of people and being lonely. It may not be realized, but the victims of bullying truly are in a room full of people and are lonely everyday. How can this happen? In evaluating the bully/victim dynamic over the years I have come to realize that loneliness is driven by the fear of people: the fear that the closer we get to someone the greater the chance that we will be hurt or disappointed by their behavior. As we grow closer to someone, and the more we reveal ourselves to others the greater the chance we will be hurt. At least that’s the conclusion that many victims have come to about life in general. Victims want to be recognized and have someone, somewhere call their name, and let them know just how much they mean to them and others. As teachers we often forget who is in front of us, and how they need to feel like they are truly a part of something that is bigger then any loneliness that plagues them daily. Reach out NOW and call their name with joy and let your students know just how happy you are each and everyday to see them.
Tell Me How To Fix This
I saw the movie Bully Last night: one of the few folks in my circle who waited this long to see it. I mean I am an anti bullying consultant, and I should have been waiting on line to see it sooner but last night was the night. I will say that I received a great deal of feedback from friends and colleagues who did see the movie, and the big cry from all and I mean all of them was that in the schools where the movie was shot, where all of the harassment and intimidation took place the teachers, and the administration from top down did nothing to stop the nightmare of bullying that these kids were experiencing. This is not a movie review; you can get that somewhere else on the net. This is a review of how the problem was handled in the schools where the movie was filmed.
In one of the very first scenes of the movie the assistant principal whose name was Kim was addressing a few kids who just arrived at school that morning. They came to her with a problem that they were having probably on the bus, don’t remember, not sure, doesn’t matter. When she was finished speaking with the students she walked away talking to herself and made a comment that was so telling about schools and society in general. Her comment was “Tell me how to fix this.” I will add one more word myself that wasn’t said; “Quickly.” In other words get me the quick fix.
When I first started out in administration nearly twenty five years ago I did not want one problem brought into my office. Whether it was with a student, a teacher, or a parent, I would at all cost avoid a problem, and a confrontation. A good day? No problems. I knew myself well, or at least I thought I did. If a problem arouse I just wanted it to go away, very similar to the assistant principal in the movie. Soft pedal and just make it through the day. It was not until my second year as an administrator that things started to change. I had a huge confrontation with a parent, and I was balled out, really balled out. I knew it was going to happen, she was one of those parents that you just hated to see coming. My nerves were shot knowing this. Her son was disciplined and in her opinion to harshly. In some way, shape, or form I stuck to my guns and didn’t rescind the consequence. She left in a huff, and I sat back in my chair and asked myself this question; if getting yelled at by a parent is the worse that is going to happen to me today, than what am I afraid of? I took out a composition book and documented the incident. That composition book became what I called “My Life Notebook,” anytime I had a problem going forward, I documented the problem and the steps I took to solve the problem. There are no quick fixes, none. We all need something that I call equity in life. I have defined this as developing the ability to solve a problem for which we don’t have a reference point. In other words we never did it before, but we need to learn how to do it.
School administrators today are pressured even more than I was. They fear many of the same things I did. Why didn’t I want a problem brought into my office? Because I didn’t know how to solve a problem. I believed that I had to please everyone and we all know that is just impossible.
Well we have a problem now, it’s called bullying. It can’t be fixed, not quickly anyway. In schools where anti bullying programs are in place and enforced consistently we reduce bullying incidents by about 50%. All parents want anti bullying rules to be enforced until it’s there kid who is accused of bullying. Then the discussions start and the fear of the confrontation builds to a point that administrators take the path of least resistance. The assistant principal in the movie was so filled with fear and lacked such professional equity that all she could hope for day to day was that the problem would just go away. It’s not going away. If anything it will get worse if schools and society don’t learn how to handle…….the adults. Yes, the adults. Adults are the mess not the kids. The adults produce these kids, and teachers, and school administrators are all adults. Aren’t they? Help me fix this.
Life Lessons
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Bully Documentary
On our show Tuesday night Jim and I discussed the documentary, Bully which I thought was excellent: Tasteful, informative, and eye opening. I did leave the theater with hope that this timely movie would create greater awareness in our society and that ultimately this epidemic would end. The movie however, did not present a cause or a solution. I understand that documentaries are often created to simply show what the issue is, thus leaving the viewer with much to interpret. If that was the intention of Bully, then yes, The Weinstein Company did a fantastic job. The real problem though is what we are facing (the bullying epidemic) was shown from the perspectives of the victims, parents, and school. It did not address the some of the reasons why someone bullies another person or present some viable solutions to the problem.
The events of bullying have many participants, but for our purposes let’s just take a look at the bully and the victim. The victim is viewed as the child who is being bullied. The victim is the hurting child who doesn’t want to go to the school, the kid who is picked on, the one who hates himself because of all the hateful things that the bully says to him or her. But what about the bully? He/She is hurting as well, and we need to look at this child as well if we truly want to find a solution.
Bullying is the cause of Bullying. Yes you read that right. We have this metaphorical bully ball being passed around, from child to child, adult to adult. The bully ball gets passed to you, you bully yourself, and you pass the bully ball on to the next victim. But just remember, you were holding that bully ball, and that bully ball had to be with you, in order for you to give it to someone else. Bullying has a domino effect. You have to be hurting in order to hurt another person. Hurt people – hurt people.
Bullies are hurting. There are plenty of reasons why someone bullies another person. But, there are no excuses. So let’s take the time to look at the reasons why, and some of the influences that can produce this type of behavior in a child. Bullying can only be reduced in society and ultimately end if we get to the root of it. Talk to the bully. Show compassion for the bully. Teach him how to love and respect himself, in an authentic way. This takes time. Teach children that life is a beautiful journey of self-discovery, and that we don’t have to bully each other through the process.
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Bullying and Social Media
On March 20 Jim and I had a very special guest- Dr. Michael Nuccitelli, a forensic/clinical consultant who has done his homework when it comes to internet predators and cyber bullying. We discussed the social media sites available today (ie. Facebook, Twitter, etc.). Dr. Nuccitelli educated us on the following statistics:
Facebook- 5 million out of the 7.5 million people under 18 are 10 years old and under.
At any given time, there are 750,000 online predators.
Only 10% of children being cyber bullied tell their parents, most likely for fear of losing their internet privileges. What’s the solution, parents? Dr. Nuccitelli says to tell your kids that they will never lose their internet privileges, as long as they are open and honest with you.
But what if your child isn’t being completely honest with you? Here are some signs to look out for:
1. Your child’s internet history is cleared.
2. He/She turns off the computer when you enter the room.
3. Your child is upset when he/she gets off the computer.
Jim says the signs to look for are:
- Rapid Behavioral Shift (RBS)
- Increased Isolation
- Familial Withdrawal
Parents : this website is a great tool to use so that you can be further educated on proper internet etiquette (digital citizenship): http://www.auburn.edu/academic/education/citizenship/
Please check out my music and current projects at www.devynrush.com andwww.youtube.com/devynrushmusic. Follow me on Twitter: @devynrush, and email me at devynrush@heyugly.org.
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Bully Proof Assurance
This is an absolutely great article.
The mission of BULLY PROOF ASSURANCE is to extinguish bullying behavior by building a national community committed to shining a bright light on a national and global crisis. We hope to provide students who become victims with a secure network of support which begins with the opportunity to report incidents of bullying in anonymity. Too often bullying is not reported or ignored creating circumstances which lead to untold human suffering and significant cost to every taxpayer.
Bullying behavior has accelerated to epidemic proportions. Upwards to twenty five percent of U.S. students are bullied annually and twenty percent of high school students say they have seriously considered committing suicide within the last twelve months. Thirty percent of students who reported they had been bullied said they had at times brought a weapon to school. Nationally, more than 160,000 students stay home from school daily (NEA) due to bullying. Two thirds of those students involved in school shootings were bullied, and two thirds of victims become bullies. A bully is five times more likely to have a serious criminal record and six times more likely to be incarcerated by the age of 24. All of this translates into a serious financial burden on an already overburdened judicial system.
The root cause of bullying and its financial burden is found in the character of American parents. Bullies are not born, but are created over time when certain behavioral dynamics allow the behavior to evolve. BULLYPROOF ASSURANCE desires to tap into the best of us and, like Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, work relentlessly to increase awareness of the problem, create an honest and genuine national conversation which in time will result in better parenting. We recognize the potential resistance associated with this project. Politics and political correctness will always be used to avoid responsibility. But schools which demonstrate high levels of success by many measures, including standardized test scores, and operate in the worst socio economic conditions show us that children can thrive if parents and the school are on the same page. Too many American schools and parents are not on the same page and there has been much bad parenting. Our society needs to take ownership of this issue. If we improve our parenting, we can reduce bullying, increase respect and responsibility, and keep some money in our pockets. Join us.
Feelings vs. Emotions
I had the pleasure of speaking with Jim Burns on our blog talk radio show this past Tuesday about the differences between feelings and emotions. For the purpose of our discussion, we defined feelings as the overall demeanor; our disposition. Emotions were defined as the way we feel day-to-day and sometimes minute-to-minute. By understanding the difference, we are able to view bullying in a new light.
Did you ever wake up in the morning, stub your toe as you’re getting out of bed, and say, “Ugh. It’s going to be one of those days…”? Suddenly, you feel out of sorts and frustrated, maybe even angry at your bed or the object that just hurt your toe. Then, for the rest of the day, you feel agitated. Everything gets under your skin, and you just wish you were back in bed. You might have a thought like, “Where am I today? I’m not being myself.” Sure you are. You are absolutely being yourself. This is a dimension of yourself coming out, that perhaps you don’t like. But regardless, it is you. You might as well accept it and learn to love it just as much as the dimension you define as “yourself.” And do you know why? Because this is just one emotion you are experiencing.
Your overall demeanor is hopefully one of a happy, content, joyful person. Maybe it’s not. But the first step to changing, is recognizing the things you are AND the things you are not. The next step is accepting your dimensions. And the third is loving them. It might sound crazy to love yourself when you’re feeling angry, thus making everyone around you miserable. But a huge part of being angry is the resistance that comes with it. What if, on a day when you felt angry, you were to accept it and say, “I don’t feel well today, and I love myself for it.”? What if?
What if you could switch your thoughts? After-all, “what you resist persists.”
You can’t give someone something you don’t have. When I speak at schools nationally through Hey U.G.L.Y. (Unique.Gifted.Lovable.You.- www.heyugly.org), I sing and talk to the students about feelings vs. emotions. We discuss how our emotions are directly correlated to how we interact with and treat other people throughout the day. You could be an overall happy person having a “bad” day, or you could be an overall nice person who is making other people feel agitated and angry, because you’re having a “bad” day. By choosing to accept these temporary emotions, we build our self-love, thus breaking the cycle and being able to give love to other people!
So accept yourself today. No matter what you are feeling/emoting. Choose acceptance.
Please check out my music and current projects at www.devynrush.com andwww.youtube.com/devynrushmusic. Follow me on Twitter: @devynrush, and email me at devynrush@heyugly.org.
My debut EP (due to release inMay) is now available for pre-order. Please email me if you are interested in a copy!
A Special Thank-You to my wonderful guitarist and friend, Charlie Rauh, who gave Jim and me so many great ideas for our discussion.
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Mutual Confidence Is The Foundation Of All Satisfactory Human Relationships.
I really enjoy Napoleon Hill. Trust is something is something we need to teach to our kids if they are going to have successful relationships in their lives. Kids who have been targets of bullying don’t trust anyone, and believe that no one cares about them. Prove them wrong, and help them establish trusting and lasting relationships with others. It will make a difference in their lives going forward. This is Napoleon Hill’s thought for today. It just fits.
Most of us have two basic questions about others when we enter into a relationship. They are: Can I trust you? And, do you really care about me? Depending upon our previous success in partnerships with others — personal or business — the answers may be slow in coming. Confidence in another is often developed gradually as those involved in the relationship commit themselves to each other’s success and happiness. Although trust and confidence are the basic underpinnings of all successful relationships, they are fragile. A relationship that has endured for months or even years can be irreparably damaged by a few unkind words or a single thoughtless act. Don’t allow yourself to act in haste or to lose control of your emotions in important relationships.
Random Access Memory
I don’t think that there is a person around who doesn’t own a computer. PC’s are used for everything. They are used to pay bills, write letters, and look stuff up on the internet. Handwriting has even been abandoned in schools because so much work is done on the computer. It is amazing how individuals have come to rely on this tool and how it has affected society. The one thing about the computer though is that it requires human programming in order for it to save files and store information. Often times we lose track of a file on the computer because we forgot the name it was given when it was saved. All computers have a certain amount of what is called Random Access Memory (RAM). This is the way a computer saves information and how it can be recalled when it is searched for. If the computer isn’t programmed with this information when a file is searched for it will likely give the response; “No File Found” In other words the information was never put into the memory for retrieval. In looking at this one can’t help but compare a computer to the human brain and how the brain needs to be programmed in order to retrieve information.
The brain receives and retrieves information from its environment and from human senses. If the information makes sense and has meaning it is likely that it will be stored in to long term memory. If the brain can’t make sense of it won’t be stored and it will not be able to be retrieved at a later time by a persons human RAM. Let’s look at this as it relates to a young child who is in need of correction. He is told what to do and he doesn’t do it. He is warned and told of the consequence, and then he is warned two or three more times until he is ultimately corrected. The child’s brain draws the conclusion that correction will come when mom, dad, or his teacher gives him three or four chances and usually when their voice tone changes. That is what gets stored in the child’s long term memory and when the child searches for his response when corrected his RAM will tell him that. The saying “The Boy is Father to the Man” could not be more true. A child who can do and say what he wants when he wants to at an early age, say up until about 4 or 5, will have no RAM and deal with life very reactively. He will suffer from something called Situational Reactive Disorder. Situations where no RAM has been programmed into the person’s brain lead to this condition. There are singular one time events in a persons life that they have not had time to rehearse a response for or never been give the opportunity to practice for and the person doesn’t know what to do so they react. Things like being able to control anger, manage relationships, handle fears, respect authority, and being responsible are all things that require RAM or a situational reaction will occur.
Children need to be programmed just like a computer. Not robotically but rather in a way that installs the correct information into their heads that lead to appropriate responses as they grow older. Some people may say that we are not dealing with computers here. That’s not all true we are dealing with the brain a very sophisticated human computer that can be helped by loving people who care deeply about the perception that this little person has of the world. It is absolutely critical to give children the skills to deal with life independently and the only way this can happen is if they have enough RAM to do so.
Want To Write For Us?
The Bully Proof Classroom is seeking writers for this website. If you are a teacher, parent, or even a student and would like to share some ideas or even your own bullying story we would love to hear from you. Your article will get front page views when it is posted and you can also provides links to help promote your own site. If you are a good writer and believe you have something that is relevant to the topic of bullying please send us an email at proactive7@verizon.net. The only thing that we ask is that you show your loyalty by subscribing to The Anti Bullying Tip of the Day.
