How To Have Gossip Free Conversations
How to Have Gossip Free Conversations
By Jenny Dalton
Learn more about Jenny: www.butterfliesbullies.com and www.betterfriendsclub.com
Through a myriad of examples from Mother Nature, we can see that different species of plants and animals already know how to coexist; each providing something essential to balance the environment resulting in an ecosystem that supports the whole of life. As in Nature, so too in our communities, especially now.
— Lynn Twist
I think that the most insidious cultural practice we engage in as women and as a society is gossip. Telling someone something personal, or even mundane, about another person who is not present in the conversation is damaging to our relationships and beneath our innate intelligence. It’s damaging when the information is inevitably leaked back to the person in question. They have hurt feelings, and wonder why people choose to talk about them behind their backs. It’s also damaging to our ability as humans to have productive, planet and societal altering conversations, generative conversations that could create the world that I’d venture to say most if not all of us long to live in. Gossip is just lazy conversation.
As a great person (WHO?) once said, people who talk about other people are stupid, people who talk about ideas are not. That’s paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Why do we spend our precious human time on stupid conversations that are not furthering anything important. There is no time to waste at this point. We must engage in generative, supportive conversations to help save humanity and ourselves.
So, what is gossip? Let’s define it. According to the dictionary, gossip is:
- Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
- A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
- Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
Gossip is talking about another person when they are not present. Period. It doesn’t matter if the information you share is meant to be helpful. To me, the most insidious gossip is number three on that list, trivial conversation. Why? I think celebrity culture and Hollywood (and politics and sports) keep gossip culture alive and well so we will buy magazines, watch movies, and pay attention to the stories that the media and Hollywood want us to see rather than give ourselves the space we need to listen to our own hearts, our own inspiration, and use our time to create the means to have better relationships and a better world.
The difference between gossip and venting? Good question. Yes, sometimes we need to vent. People can be infuriating. Here are some options. Vent in a journal. Vent in a voicemail to yourself or an audio note that you then delete. Vent to your partner and request specific feedback on how to deal with this infuriating person. Allow venting to become a restorative practice for your communications skills and ability to discern what is important to you. Your anger and frustration with a person includes a lesson for you. Look for it with intention. Gossip however is debasing. It hurts us in our heart and in our gut. It is not a healing practice.
Gossip is a time suck. Let’s face it. Think about how much time you spend thinking about other people and the information you have about them that you want to tell someone else. Is it an hour a week? More? Five hours? How much time do you spend watching Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, HBO, Disney, YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, gossiping on WhatsApp, etc? How much time do you spend listening to other people’s stories? Filling your head with bullshit that won’t help humanity in the slightest. Ok. I get it. You don’t want to save humanity. Well, what about saving yourself? Your own mind. Your peace of mind.
I was a huge gossip in junior high and high school. As girls and women, we are taught to traffic and trade in this sort of information. It’s social currency in some cultures and being a gossip or the act of gossiping can be like the water we swim in. We don’t even see it as a problem. I literally spent so much time talking about other people, thinking I was being “social” that I neglected my studies and was a terrible friend. I was gossiped about too, mostly about my gossiping, and that hurt. One day, a good guy friend suggested I stop, that it was damaging my reputation. Did I want that? No. So, I stopped cold turkey as they say. Once I made an agreement to stop gossiping, it became harder to do — the stopping of gossiping. This is because I was inevitably confronted by tons of opportunities to talk about other people and the gossiping got louder and louder and louder. Once you realize how often you do it, you see it everywhere. Thus the challenge and the opportunity to shift and change.
Once I did shift, and I will give you some tips below, my mind quieted, my anxiety lowered. I no longer had to wonder if I’d get caught talking about others. And, you know what, I started talking about ideas and creative things that interested me and I got curious about other people and what interests them and what they are doing with their time. My life changed utterly and for the better. I also became a better and more loyal friend. Friends became more willing to share their deepest selves with me because they knew I would not tell anyone about what they said to me.
I’ve got this woman in my life now. We’re in our 50s and she is the biggest gossip. She’s also an amazing person, philanthropist, Mom, volunteer, community leader, etc. But when we are in social situations all she does is talk about other people. She’s hilarious. I actually laugh so much when I talk with her. But I don’t give back personal information about anyone else (and we live in a small town so I often know a lot of information about people we know in common). Anyhoo, my whole point is that it dumbs her down. Yes I’m being judgy. But it’s lazy conversation. We could be talking about what badass women we are and lifting each other up instead of chit chatting about what someone did with their weekend or who is getting a divorce, etc. I’ve tried shifting the conversation but she won’t go there. I think it’s insecurity on her part. Or she doesn’t trust me. I don’t know. I’ve told her I don’t gossip. But, this is her go to and her comedy. It’s ingrained in her behavior and I can’t make her want to stop.
If you are someone who is pained by gossip in any way … it makes you feel gross, you want to stop but can’t, you see the value in spending your time thinking about other things and talking about other, more productive and possibly planet altering things … then I urge you to try a gossip fast.
How to Take a Gossip Fast
- Make a commitment to not gossip for a set period of time. 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. Give yourself some time.
- Tell the people you are in regular communication with that you are on a gossip fast. Notice how they react.
- Notice when an urge to gossip arises.
- When the urge arises, remind yourself you are on a gossip fast.
- Keep at it. Keep noticing.
- How does it make you feel? Do you feel left out? Empowered? Free?
- Journal about your feelings. Really dig into them.
- Journal about the origin of gossip in your life. When did you start? How has it impacted your relationships? Friendships? Your inner peace? What has it cost you?
- Once your fast is complete, journal about it’s impact on your life now.
- Do you want to make a commitment to continue?
I started with a gossip fast here and there. It was challenging. But I haven’t gossiped in decades and my life is much improved. How?
How to Have Gossip Free Conversations
- Start a conversation with someone by asking them a powerful question. Get curious about their lives and what they are up to. Here are some examples to try:
- What’s been exciting to you lately?
- What have you been most passionate about this week, month?
- How are you spending your free time?
- What are you creating?
- How do you feel about the change in seasons … or something similar.
- What do you have planned for your next vacation? Where would you love to visit?
- What have you done lately to help our community?
- Tell people you do not gossip.
- Remind them that you do not gossip.
- Share something about yourself and your interests.
- Talk about a book you are reading or an inspiring idea you’ve discovered.
- Talk about anything but a person.
- Talk about music. A new band you love and why.
- Talk about art. What you love to do creatively. Do you love to cook, bake, sew, make ceramics, photography …
- Share about a cool spot in your town you just discovered.
- Ask how you can support this person in what they are doing creatively.
The media continually reminds us that we are pitted against one another, which I believe also breeds gossip. In truth, however, we are one community, and all is well. There is enough, and we are enough. When we bring the practice of collaboration and reciprocity into conscious view a kind of alchemy occurs. To make this magic happen, we need to shift our worldview from the “you-OR-me” world of scarcity and competition to the “you-AND-me” world of collaboration.
In a you-OR-me world, reciprocity and collaboration don’t fit. However, a you-AND-me world is full of collaboration and reciprocity! In that world, our resources are not only enough; they are infinite.
