There Are No Excuses

by James Burns | Oct 19, 2020 | Burns' Bench

Everyone Has Plenty of Reasons for Their Behavior – BUT THERE ARE NO EXCUSES

I have always enjoyed watching Court TV because I love listening to the defense arguments. I enjoy listening to how the attorney for the defense can come up with all kinds of excuses to explain why the person on trial committed the crime. The defendant could even have confessed to the crime, and the defense attorney will still find some circumstance that caused the person to commit the crime, in essence to excuse the crime. Once, there was a fifteen-year-old kid named Christian Pittman on trial for killing his grandparents two years earlier. This young man shot his grandparents in their sleep at close range with a shotgun, put the leash on the dog, walked out of the trailer that they lived in, doused the trailer with gasoline, lit the trailer on fire, and got in a pick-up truck and drove away. The trial went on for weeks, and I watched most of it. The defense attorney was running out of ammunition so he decided to play a card that is becoming a very common excuse for deviant behavior. The defense attorney contended that the reason this boy committed this heinous crime was because he had an adverse reaction to Zoloft, an anti-depressant drug that he was taking at the time. I sat on the edge of my seat as I waited for the verdict. I was thinking that if a person can be found innocent for murder because of a medication issue, anyone can get away with anything.

I am amazed how family, environment, genetics, and medication can be used as an excuse for behavior these days. Once these factors are considered the cause of deviant behavior, the person who committed the crime or behaved inappropriately will not be held responsible. It follows then that they should be excused for these behaviors, in other words, not be held accountable. Ultimately, people should be held accountable for their actions, and consequences must be imposed. Consequences are the only thing that will stop negative or deviant behaviors such as talking back, not completing homework, bullying, lying, speeding, sexual harassment on the job, stealing, rape, murder, etc.

Today, we have reached the point where as soon as parents have trouble managing their child’s behavior or the school makes them aware their child is acting inappropriately in school, parents are ready to conclude that these behaviors are caused by ADHD or a teacher with unrealistic expectations or another child. Parents rarely think of holding themselves responsible, of asking themselves, Where am I going wrong here and what do I need to change? Or, I need to hold my child responsible, so what consequences will I impose? It’s so much easier to blame the school, a teacher, an administrator, a guidance counselor, another student, or a medical condition. In schools, teachers blame students’ poor behavior or poor academic performance on a child’s difficult circumstances at home or that the child’s parents will not put the child on medication. In society, if a person commits a crime that is punishable, the defense attorney will try to convince a jury that the person is mentally ill or comes from a pitiful family background and should not be held responsible.

As a school administrator, I have observed deviant behavior and have done my best to hold students accountable. I didn’t just look at the students’ isolated behavior at the time, but considered what would happen if the behavior continued, and how it would affect the students’ chances for success as an adult. I was working as a principal of a school for clinically disturbed students in 1993, and most of the students were depressed, psychotic, and on medication. When I took over the school there was no system of accountability, so I instituted an In-School Suspension program that was used as a means of keeping students in the school for offenses that they would otherwise be suspended for. One morning, a student came into school late and proceeded to kick out a window, punch a teacher, tear down hallway decorations and bulletin boards, and was screaming so loud he could be heard in the next county. He was brought into my office, and I said to him, “Nick [name change] I don’t know what I am going to do with you, but for now take a seat in In-School Suspension.” About five minutes later his school therapist walked into my office. She was furious. She said, “You have Nick in In-School Suspension?”

I said, “Yes, have you taken a look what he did to my building?” “Did you know that Nick didn’t have any breakfast this morning?” “I haven’t had any coffee yet, but I’m still talking to you.” I then asked her to leave the office. Did it really matter that Nick didn’t have breakfast? Of course not! What really mattered was that if Nick was not disciplined for his inappropriate behaviors, he would definitely repeat the behavior again. I thought about what I was going to do with this student. I knew that I would suspend him, but I also knew that I had to begin to work on developing a relationship with Nick so that he wouldn’t react this way again. About 10:30 a.m., I walked down to In-School Suspension and brought Nick a bagel and orange juice. I told Nick that he should have breakfast before he comes to school, but if he didn’t, he should come into my office and I would get him something to eat. Nick was also suspended for ten days, police charges were filed, and he had to write a letter of apology. Had there been a reason for his unreasonable behavior? He had a reason, but having a reason wasn’t an excuse for what he did. If I had bought in to excusing his behavior because he was hungry, Nick would have gotten away with what he did. But I didn’t, I imposed a consequence. Nick’s behavior changed that year. He tried to raise the bar with his angry and violent behavior; I decided to raise the bar with my consequences. It not only worked for him but the school took a real turn for the better with the student body realizing that this type of behavior would not be accepted.

There are plenty of reasons for people’s behaviors, but those reasons are not excuses. What I showed Nick was that there were rules and regulations that had to be followed, but I also showed him some compassion and understanding. I imposed the consequence, but still made sure he had something to eat. I believe that this is the missing piece in dealing with deviant behavior. We are too compassionate and understanding, and we lose sight that everyone must follow the rules of a family, a school, a job, and society. If we continue to allow everything under the sun to be excused and decide that consequences are for the birds, then we can expect our problems with inappropriate behavior in school and deviant behavior in society to continue to get worse.

Illustration Seven

Can You Handle The Truth?

One of the things that I’ve noticed is that everyone has a problem with the truth. I don’t mean we walk around lying all the time, but we are always afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or becoming entangled in some sort of confrontation with the person we are speaking with or even the person we’re living with. Sometimes we are concerned about someone’s reaction, so we bend the truth or poke around trying to figure out what that person wants to hear. It really starts to become a problem in personal relationships when couples are afraid to make their desires known for fear of a break-up or a divorce. People can have a problem with the truth on the job, when a supervisor might worry about an employee’s reaction to a poor performance evaluation. In education, a teacher might be worried about a student’s or parent’s reaction, and then could easily award grades that are not in line with the student’s performance.

When I was in high school my guidance counselor called me down to his office and pulled out my grades. He said, “What do you want to do when you’re through with high school?” I told him that I didn’t know, and then in the next breath, thinking that I had to tell him something other than the truth, that I wanted to be a bartender, I told him that I wanted to be a lawyer. “A lawyer,” he said, pointing to my grades. “These are not lawyer’s grades. If I were you, I would start to think about doing something else.” I walked out of his office and wasn’t the least bit offended. I didn’t even think about going home and telling my father that my guidance counselor said I wasn’t smart enough to be a lawyer. I never said one word to my father. You know what? The guy had actually told me the truth, and the truth really did set me free. I started to look honestly at my abilities, and I was able to acknowledge that I hadn’t worked hard academically for my first three years of high school. I started to think about my future realistically. My guidance counselor made me take a hard look in the mirror and come to terms with what my abilities and my attitude really were. He told me the truth, and I appreciated that.

Well, in 1977, my father sold the bar, and I became a teacher that same year. I really enjoyed teaching. I was a special educator so I didn’t always have the cream of the crop when it came to my students. In fact, my students were usually had the worst behavior problems in the school and could really get to me on some days. But, overall, I developed relationships with the kids, and things seemed to usually go pretty well. As I progressed in my career, I noticed things were changing. I was expected to put up with more and more behavior problems, and everyone was giving me some excuse for a kid’s deviance. The catch phrase that seemed to be in vogue about twenty years ago was, “I really like this kid, but I don’t like his behavior.” Was this the truth? I don’t think so. Is it possible to like someone and not like their behavior? The truth is, we don’t like the person because of his behavior, and people need to be made aware of this in a considerate way. A person is his behavior, and the two can’t be separated. I can give you the names of people who are well known in society for absolute deviance, and you tell me if you like them, but not their behavior: Charles Manson, Scott Peterson, Jeffrey Dahmer, or Adolph Hitler. Can anyone not like their behavior but still like them as people? No, we don’t like them period. The perception we have of a person is based on his behavior. If the behavior is not likeable, we probably will dislike the person. People need to know that if their behavior doesn’t change, then others won’t want to develop meaningful relationships with them, and ultimately won’t like them.

Recently, a student came into my office (I was working as an interim principal) and discussed with me what he wanted to do after he finished high school He wanted to be a doctor, which is a terrific goal for a young person. Well, I asked him what he scored on his SATs. He told me he scored about a 400 on each section. I was thinking in my mind that a perfect score is 800 on each section, and a decent score would be about a 650 to 700. I knew something right then: he wasn’t going to be my doctor. I proceeded to pull his grades out and found that his math and science grades were C’s and D’s. I wanted to respond with the same question that my guidance counselor asked me. Do these look like a doctor’s grades? But, based upon the culture and society’s norms, I couldn’t ask that question. I immediately directed this student to the entry requirements that colleges have for their pre-med program, and ultimately medical school. He discovered the truth on his own, came back to me, and thanked me for helping him realize that his study skills needed improvement and that he needed to take and re-take the college boards. The truth made him aware of his own weaknesses and how much harder he was going to have to work in order to achieve his goals.

Society seems to want to withhold the truth and make everyone believe that they are smarter than what they are and that their behavior is based upon circumstance, their environment, or lack of therapy or medication. Facing the truth about my abilities and my work ethic put me on track, helped me choose a good vocation, and helped me to understand how I needed to improve my work ethic. Subsequently, instead of floating through life unsuccessfully from one job to another, I worked hard in college, graduate school, then as an employee. So the next time your kids come home and say that their teacher told them that they have to work harder, that their work or behavior is unacceptable, or they better consider going to a community college rather than Dartmouth, thank that teacher for doing something that is a rarity today: speaking the truth. It really doesn’t matter how we get to the truth as long as we get there. My guidance counselor was straight forward 35 years ago. I knew that by today’s standards that my journey getting to the truth would have to be done with a little more sensitivity, it still worked and the desired result was achieved.

Illustration Eight

Who Will Parent the Parents?

I frequently think back to my childhood. I remember how my grandmother (Mom’s side) spent time at my house. To this day, she is still the sweetest old lady that I ever met. I was in an afternoon kindergarten program, and my grandmother took care of me during the mornings. Every morning when I woke up, she was sitting in a big chair right next to my bed. As soon as I opened my eyes she would wave and smile at me. I felt so secure seeing her in that chair. I really loved her a lot. My dad’s mom lived right up the street. When I became old enough, I used to walk over to her house, have lunch with her, do her grocery shopping for her, and then just hang around with her. She would give me a dollar for helping her. I saved those dollars to buy Christmas presents for my sisters, my mom, and my dad. Unfortunately, my dad’s mom passed away when I was thirteen, and I still miss her today. My mom’s mom passed away when I was nineteen, and that was another big loss that I still feel.

It really doesn’t matter how old you are. You still need parenting. Just because someone is grown and married doesn’t mean that they still don’t need guidance and direction. I watched my maternal grandmother help my mom deal with things all the time. Whether it was raising her kids or dealing with my dad, my mom always spoke to her and sought her advice. When she died, it was almost as if my mother’s wheels fell off, and she started to stumble through life and always seemed to be looking for answers to some of life’s most basic questions. She seemed to have greater difficulty being married to my dad and seemed angry at times until the day she died. When my dad’s mom died, I noticed that he would drink more, and go off on benders for a few days. It was almost as if he lost his check valve and didn’t feel accountable to anyone.

I am sixty five years  old now and have been a teacher and administrator for almost forty years. After working with and talking to countless parents, I have drawn the following conclusion: Parents need parenting! I have spoken to many adults my own age and have found that their relationship with their parents is strained or they’re not talking to their parents at all. I would ask them, “How long has it been since you spoke to your mom or dad,” expecting to hear that they just had a little spat and it was for a few days. A few days, try twenty years. During that twenty year period, I wonder how much wisdom they lost that they could have gotten from their parents. How much help with their children did they lose, or worse yet, what did the grandchildren lose because these parents despised their own mother or father?

No matter what the age, people need to be parented. Some individuals who have a poor relationship with their parents lose their grip on right and wrong and have a tremendous problem figuring out some of life’s most basic problems. These adult children often have a general sense of bitterness because of their poor relationship with their parents. They may feel resentful when they have problems raising their own children, because they become aware that they are receiving no direction or guidance from their own parents and that they have to figure everything out on their own. They might wonder what they’re going to do with their child or what’s wrong with their child. They should be asking what’s wrong with them. Their children enter school and become problems for the teacher. They don’t do what they’re told to do and are disrespectful and non-compliant. The teacher calls home only to find a disrespectful and non-compliant parent on the other end who is defensive and who believes that the school isn’t being fair to their child. They berate the teacher and blame the school for all of the problems that their son or daughter is experiencing.

This was an all too frequent scenario for me. I dealt with many parents with this type of attitude as a teacher and as an administrator. In one district, I chose to run a parent support group. When I started the group I had seventy-five parents. They all did nothing but complain about the behavior of their kids and blamed the school for the problems their kids were experiencing. Once they discovered that I wasn’t going to play the blame game, my group dwindled down to a precious few and ultimately had to be discontinued.

Parents want help, but they want the wrong kind of help. They want someone to fix their kids, but they need to find someone to fix them. They don’t realize that the people who can offer them the most help were put naturally at their disposal for free, and that’s their parents. The question still remains, who will parent the parents? Schools have tried parenting programs. These programs don’t work. They offer advice, but ultimately it’s up to the parents to follow through. The minute their kids gives them a hard time they revert right back to blaming everyone else, then start looking for more advice.

Who will parent the parents? Maybe society has to parent the parents. .Hopefully, someone will realize that all the wisdom, guidance, direction, support, love, and affection were theirs for the taking, but they chose to turn their backs on their God given gift, their parents.

Illustration Nine

Life Changing Words from a Father

As a young boy I experienced all kinds of problems in my family. My father was a bar owner and a heavy drinker. His behavior was unpredictable at times, and we never knew what was going to set him off. We were always walking around on egg shells because we didn’t want to say or do something that would send him off on a drinking binge. I knew though that my father had a real interest in me and wanted the very best for me. He just had a hard time expressing how he felt. As I became older and entered my teenage years, my dad started to enjoy watching me play high school and community league baseball. He would go to my games, leave alone when the game was over (as I went with my friends), and would usually say very little to me about my performance. I never really expected him to say anything, so I was never disappointed.

During the summer of 1971, when I was sixteen, my first cousin, Jim, and I spent a lot of time together at each other’s houses. We played baseball and hung out with other kids. I enjoyed the visits, and so did he. He was an only child, and I was the only boy in my family. We had a lot in common, and during this time we were good friends. My cousin wasn’t as good at baseball as I was, but he was what I call a rooter. He enjoyed watching baseball and enjoyed watching me play. During one of his visits, I had a scheduled game. I had to be at the game early, so my dad and cousin came later. During the game I had three hits, including the game winning hit. I was the catcher and threw three runners out trying to steal second base. I had a great game. When the game was over my dad drove my cousin back to his house, and I hung out with my friends.

I went home, went to bed, got up early the next morning, and left the house. The normal routine was that my mother would open the bar in the morning. My father would sleep a little later, and then relieve her around 11:00 a.m. He would work until about 4:00 p.m., then come upstairs and take a nap. I can always remember him sitting in his recliner napping in the afternoon. He needed that nap; he was in his late fifties and had to be ready to work the night shift.

That afternoon, I returned home around 5:00 to find my father in his recliner, but he was awake. He jumped up out of his chair like he had a spring under him. He ran over to me, hugged me hard, and said, “I was so proud of you last night.” I thanked him, and I felt him squeeze me like he never did before. I felt the warmth of his body, but even more felt the warmth of his words.

Well, after over forty years I still remember that hug and those words. Sometimes parents can say so much to their kids about their performance that it can almost seem like white noise. Most kids know their parents are going to speak well of them because they are their parents. But sometimes kids can get a false sense of their abilities when their parents go overboard with praise. But, the right words of praise and encouragement at the right time can actually change a child’s life. In my case, my dad didn’t offer a lot of praise and was very critical of me at times. This experience was life-changing for me. I quickly forgot all the times my father had said critical things to me. As a father myself, I know I have the power to determine how my own children view themselves. A father’s words do truly make a difference.

Illustration Ten

Fear Is the Greatest Motivator

I never wanted to go to college, never thought I was smart enough. My father had different plans for me. He told me I was going. I wanted to take over the family business, which was a bar. After all, in my senior year in high school, I was taking classes like Chinese Literature and wood shop. I don’t think I took one college level class in high school, so how would any college accept me. I made a deal with my father: I would apply to three colleges, and if any one of them accepted me, I would go. So I applied to a junior college, a state school, and to some school in the back woods of Virginia. They all accepted me, so I went to the state school. I think I mentioned this, but I’ll say it again: my first semester in college I had a 1.0 cumulative average. That’s a D. I got a letter from the college telling me to shape up or I was going to be asked to leave. I showed the letter to my father and said to him “See, I told you I couldn’t do it.” He looked at me and said, “You better do it because I’m selling the bar.”

Well, I ended up graduating from college (with a lot of help from a lot of professors) with a 2.9 GPA. If you do the math, you will find out that was a lot of A’s. What motivated me you might ask? FEAR with a capital F. I had to do it. There was no safety net. Yeah, I was afraid, scared, and a lot of other things, but you know what I did it. I worked with a great psychiatrist one time, and he made the most unbelievable statement to me you could ever imagine: “Jim, before a kid can be really disciplined you have to have fear.” Not a fear of physical punishment, but a fear of disappointing someone, or even a fear of a strong reaction. I think the word that has gotten lost today is respect. I will usually respect what I fear. Do kids today have a healthy fear of adults? Do they respect adults or one another? Kids today believe they can say and do what they want, when they want. It is time to begin to instill a healthy fear again into our kids and make them shutter at the idea that they might disappoint someone. I am sick of the apathy. If it wasn’t for fear, I woulddn’t

Dealing With Angry and Irate Parents

by James Burns | Oct 19, 2020 | Burns' Bench

What Should You Do When Faced With An Angry Parent RTC