by James Burns | Oct 8, 2018 | James Burns, Parents, Relationships, Respect, Responsibility, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
SECTION ONE
THOUGHTS ON THE FAMILY
BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN AT THE “FAMILY TABLE” YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR FAMILY TREE
It never ceases to amaze me how we can believe that an actor/actress on a commercial is really the character he or she portrayed on a sitcom. Watching T.V. the other night, Roseanne Barr was doing a commercial on Nick@Nite talking about the importance of having dinner at the “family table.” So the commercial flashed back to her and John Goodman on a Roseanne episode sitting at the dinner table engaged in an argument which was supposed to be funny to the viewer. The point of the commercial was that it doesn’t matter what goes on at the family table as long as you have one.
As a kid, we had a family table. It was a war zone. I’m sure that many people can relate to my family table, and I am sick of calling it that, too. (What is this new term –family table- anyway?) In my house, the family table was more like the family zoo. It didn’t really dawn on me how crazy it was until my sister started dating, and she would bring one of her boyfriends home for dinner. The poor guy would sit there and watch as my father cooled a baked potato. You know, the way everyone does it. Take the potato out of the skin with a fork and hold it about two feet in the air for about 15 seconds and stare at the steam. Then wave it up and down like a magic wand 4 or 5 times until you think it is cool. We all knew it was still hot. He would start to eat it, and then he would leave his mouth half open while he sucked air in to try to cool it.
You see, my father was a short order cook when he was younger, and he was also a mess sergeant in the army. I guess he thought that made him some sort of chef. He always complained about my mother’s cooking. She wasn’t very open to his comments either which led to the battle lines being drawn between the two of them.
My dad also watched his diet; his dinners consisted of a small piece of protein, a vegetable, a potato, and a slice of bread. My mother consistently made those meals for him every night for dinner. But she always fed my two sisters and me the good stuff; you know, all starch and no protein. That really got to him. The question he always asked was, “Why are you feeding them that?”
I tell you, he was purely disgusted by the meals we ate. My father didn’t want me to get fat, but I did. I never knew when he was going to make another negative comment about my diet. One night I ate about a pound of macaroni and meat sauce and a loaf of Italian bread for dinner while he had his standard sparse dinner. He didn’t say one word to me about what I was eating; he just watched. It was almost fun eating dinner with him. I was surprised, but very relieved that he had let me eat my delicious dinner in peace without making one negative comment about my unhealthy dinner.
About two hours later I sneezed. I said, “I think I’m getting a cold.” That was a mistake. He couldn’t wait to jump on that. He said, “Well, that stuff you ate for dinner tonight, you could catch anything from that, and you gobbled it up like dog food.” My father, the general, won that battle after all. He got me.
There were many little idiosyncrasies he had. One day he picked up the butter dish at the dinner table and he found a hair in it. A riot nearly broke out. He walked away from the dinner table thinking that it might be a pubic hair. He wore dentures that were out of his mouth every waking minute that he wasn’t eating or working. They usually fell out of his mouth when he started to yell. That’s when he would rip them out of his mouth so he could finish his tirade. Before he came to the table his teeth had to be brushed, cleaned, and rinsed for about 10 minutes. My mother would call him to dinner really early so he would have time to get his dentures polished up. She knew he hated cold food and didn’t want to listen to him complain.
One night he was going through his denture ritual spit shining his teeth for an unusually long time. My mother must have called him to the table for 20 minutes. He finally sat down, took three bites of food, and looked at me and said, “Cold.”
My mother went nuts because she had done everything humanly possible to get him to the table while the food was still hot. He proceeded to laugh at her outburst which predictably ended in another battle. This time, the general had the land mine perfectly placed and she stepped on it.
Diet was always on my father’s mind. One evening, my sister was leaving for a friend’s house at the dinner hour. My father said to her, “Aren’t you going to eat dinner with us?” She said, “No, I ’m eating at Carol’s house.” He said, “Oh you are.” After she left he looked at me and said, “She’ll eat those greasy foods over there and have fat legs like Carol.” Lucky for her! She got out before the general decided to open fire.
My oldest sister left home and moved to New York when she was 21 years old. I just can’t imagine why. She would come back to visit once a month or so. My sister had the ability to eat fast, and I mean really fast, like she was going to the electric chair. My father, on the other hand, was the slowest eater on the planet. She would be finishing eating and he would just be getting started. When she was done eating she got up and started to clear the table and do the dishes. In a small kitchen the strong smell of Lux Liquid started to become really noticeable. Not to mention my sister’s soapy hands clearing the table were leaving soap suds behind – you guessed it – on my father’s food. War, this meant war. My sister didn’t have a chance to surrender and throw up the white flag. She was blown right out of the house and back to Brooklyn Heights.
The Family Table is a popular new term that is supposed to mean that dinner time is where families should be talking, and building strong relation-ships. This is a good idea. But in my case because of my father’s personality and food related phobias, our “family table” was not the place this could happen. Remember, you don’t need the family table to talk to your kids. You can talk to your kids in the family car. I love spending time with my own kids. I don’t have to be at a dinner table. We’re all too fat anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that we have dinner together and chat and enjoy each other’s company, but not because Roseanne says I should, but because it is something that’s fun.
Society always tries to hook some gimmick to things that occurred years ago in a very natural way. In my case my father had more conversations with me in the car than he did at the dinner table. We always went on long car rides and having conversation was a very natural thing to do. I have more conversations with my kids in the car and while we are working on projects than I do at the dinner table. Try talking to your kids without food in your mouth.They might hear what you’re saying a little better.
by James Burns | Oct 7, 2018 | James Burns, Principles, Professional Development Opportunities, The Bully Proof Classroom, The Ramblings of a Dinosaur
INTRODUCTION
THE RAMBLINGS OF A DINOSAUR
I don’t even know why I am writing these essays. I really have never had a passion for writing. I was never very good at it- I’ve always felt that my strong suit was speaking. I’ve rambled on at speaking engagements about things that trouble me to hundreds of people and I do believe that my ramblings have value.
I am a baby boomer. I was raised over a bar and watched my parents work 14 hour days in their own business and, eventually, I did the same when I was 18 years old. I never had any intention of going to college, because I thought I’d naturally take over the bar, but my dad made me go. He didn’t want me to take over the business. He wanted something better for me.
During my first semester in college my cumulative average was a 1. I never thought I’d make it. Unbelievably, I did and graduated with a 2.9 cumulative average – not bad. I went into teaching Special Education in 1977 and learned how to manage emotionally disturbed kids. In 1989, I moved on into school administration. I began my administrative career as a principal in a school for disturbed kids and finished my career as an administrator in schools from between 500 and 3,000 students. .
I have watched the incremental changes that have taken place in the family, in schools and society over a period of over 40 years. Quite honestly, I am really sick about what I have seen. I always thought I was a principle centered person. I wanted to run schools in sync with my principles. Now I see that I’ve become a dinosaur. My ideas just don’t fit any more.
I went into public speaking around 1992 and have done in-services, work-shops, keynotes, parent programs, and student assemblies. When I speak to people, most seem to agree with my philosophy. But when it gets down to brass tacks, it just too hard to fight city hall, or your own kids, or the board of education, or a bunch of parents or maybe just the way things are in society in general.
Having taken a good hard look at the way things are today as opposed to the way they used to be, I have gone off on tangents at conferences and did nothing but speak from my heart. I feel as though my way of thinking is slowly becoming extinct, but I believe that people should still be listening to me. I have written a set of essays. Some paint a picture of me personally, some are about my philosophy as an educator, and some are about my observations about how things are going in the world right now. As I ramble on about these subjects, you will see why I call these essays The Ramblings of a Dinosaur.
by James Burns | Jun 5, 2018 | Anti Bullying Coaching and Resources, Education, James Burns, Parents, The Bully Proof Classroom
Parent Education and Coaching
Parent Education and Coaching is designed to educate parents in order to help them manage their child’s behaviors in the home that are impacting the family dynamic. This disruption can lead to school related behaviors that require the child to be disciplined in school causing greater stress, lack of patience, frustration, and at times can result in the parenting disciplining the child in anger.
The goal is to provide the skills and strategies to the parent to help deal with their child and his/her behavior as part of an educational process and then provide coaching along the way to help the parent build confidence in the discipline process and their parenting skills.
This is not therapy, it is education provided by a trained teacher, administrator, college instructor and who is a parent himself. Any recommendations made are done so with the best interest of the child and parent in mind and are designed to provide permanent help not temporary relief. Change is a step of faith and the process is not an overnight one but one that helps restore order and points both the child and parent in the direction of lifelong success and a stronger parent child relationship.
Some Behaviors That Are Addressed
- Disrespect
- Irresponsibility
- Non-Compliance
- Bullying
- Victimization as a Result of Bullying
- Lack of Motivation
- Anger Issues
- Disaffected Behavior
This program is designed to educate parents and works exclusively with the parent. If the child is experiencing clinical issues such as depression, anxiety, or appears to be affected by events within the family a trained therapist should be used to address these issues. We will work with the therapist upon the parent’s request.
What is Provided
(6) Six face to face meetings per year with the parent’s and their child
(4) Four webinars per month addressing some of the behaviors listed above or specific behaviors as explained by the parent. These webinars will be one hour in length.
(4) Four emails per month initiated by the parent that provide specific behaviors that require specific answers regarding their child as geographically possible.
(2) Two scheduled telephone conversation per month of 30 minutes or less that address a specific problem that is occurring.
Cost
The cost for the services listed above is $300 dollars per month payable via paypal. Payments would be due on the first of every month.
Any additions to the above services would result in an hourly fee of $50 dollars per hour or any part thereof.
Initial Consultation is Free
James H Burns MA, DHL
For more information call: 732.773.9855 or,
Email: jameshburns55@gmail.com
by James Burns | Mar 27, 2018 | Academics, Grading Practices, James Burns, Self Esteem, The Bully Proof Classroom
How do you feel when you’ve accomplished something? Better yet how do you feel when you’ve accomplished something and you’ve worked long and hard at it? Whether it’s losing weight, finishing college at 40 years old, quitting smoking. or solving a problem that you’ve encountered for the first time it feels great when you look back and can say it didn’t beat me, I got it done. The relief of knowing that the task is complete lifts a tremendous amount of emotional weight off your shoulders. It’s not just how you feel about getting the job done, and putting a check mark next to the task on the to – do list that makes you feel good, It’s how you feel about yourself and what it does to your own level of self esteem that really makes the difference. You begin to feel more confident in other areas of life and are not so resistant to try something new again for fear of failure. Kids are no different, once they experience success they are more open to trying new things and are not as resistant to instruction because in their mind they know that they have had past successes. Those past successes though have to be true successes, kids can’t be given a false sense of their abilities in grade one by being given good grades for their work because by the time they reach the second or third grade they will discover just how much they don’t know leading to low self esteem and ultimately fear of failure.
The only way to avoid this potential problem from occurring is to consistently hold students accountable for their work, have high academic expectations, and to work students until you are convinced that they have mastered the material that was taught them. Once students are convinced that you will not accept shoddy work and they will have to do work over and over again until their grade is acceptable they will work to get the assignment right the first time. After the student puts the work in and achieves success, and really know the concept being taught he/she to will look back and say to him or herself that this assignment didn’t beat me. Giving poor grades doesn’t lower student self esteem. Low self esteem comes when the student doesn’t understand the concepts and is not given the opportunity to improve. Tougher grading practices hold students accountable for an acceptable grade, and provides additional instruction to ensure that the student has the opportunity to master the material. Students need opportunities to succeed but, they also need opportunities to fail. It is those failures that should be the red flag for the teacher as to what the student doesn’t know. Once those failures are overcome, a sense of success will encourage the student to be more diligent in his efforts and improve how he or she feels about themselves academically.
by James Burns | Mar 26, 2018 | Academics, Anti Bullying Coaching and Resources, Careless, Teachers, The Bully Proof Classroom
Children today bring home report cards for their parents review about four times during the school year. Parents can attend two to three parent teacher conferences to receive reports on how their children are doing academically and behaviorally. During these conferences teachers at times communicate to parents that their sons or daughters are doing fine, but they need to take their time with their work because they just seem to make careless mistakes. In reality their children are not doing well academically but for some reason teachers feel that poor student performance is a reflection of their teaching ability, not a student’s work ethic. There is only one way to measure a student’s performance and to determine whether a not they have mastered the material that was taught, and that’s by assigning a grade associated with the work that the student completes. Grades like and A. B. C. or 80%, 90%, or 100% are part of reality and children and parents need to be given a clear idea of whether or not the material that was taught was actually mastered with an appropriate grade assigned.
So, why are children careless? The biggest reason is that teachers from the first grade on accept work that is sub par, and doesn’t communicate the truth to the student or parent that the work submitted is unacceptable. Carelessness just becomes part of life and parents believe their child isn’t academically deficient but just makes careless mistakes, doesn’t pay attention, is a day dreamer, or just plain old lazy. The truth is the child hasn’t mastered the material that was taught.
The way for teachers to resolve the problem is to raise their level of expectation and to put in place more stringent grading practices that give a true indication of the student’s performance. By doing this students will have a better understanding of their abilities, and when taken seriously will motivate the student to pay attention, and to be more careful with the work that is turned in.
Revise – Re-do – Retake
To start this process any work that that is handed in whether it is homework, class work, tests, or quizzes should never just be handed back to the student with the mistakes noted. The work should be handed back with the mistakes noted and with the understanding that if the student grade was 80% or less the entire assignment must be done again. It may take a few re-do’s but once the student gets the idea that certain grades are unacceptable they will be less careless and more careful when they turn in assignments the first time. This not only motivates the student but gives them the opportunity to master material that would otherwise just be handed back to them with a poor grade. Students must revise writing assignments, re-do, careless work, and retake tests if their grade was 80% or less.
Poor academic performance is a result of students not having the necessary pre requisite skills to perform at a higher level. The only way to resolve the problem is to go back to the academic areas that were not mastered by the student and make them repeat the areas of deficiency until mastered. To a school district this can be costly and create a great deal of parental and community discord. So, by today’s standards that is almost impossible to do. Why not be tougher on students academically the first time around and really get them to master the material that is being taught. Stop using the excuse that the students are careless and start using tougher grading practices that will make students more careful and most of all more responsible for their academic progress..
Helping Students Retain Information
by James Burns | Mar 14, 2018 | Anti Bullying, Anti Bullying 101, Anti Bullying Tips, James Burns, Parents, The Bully Proof Classroom, Uncategorized
Some parents have lost their perception of right and wrong behaviors, and sometimes even simple decisions are tough. It’s these parents that will try to bully the teacher and the school. They do not have the ability to cooperate when they disagree and can wreak havoc in an educational setting. These parents need to be agreed with immediately. You heard right; agreed with. But, agree in principal, not with the content. Let them know that you can see things from their perspective, but work with them to see things from your perspective. Instead of a tug of war, move to their side of the rope. Or better The young parents of today need parenting. Parents who have left home with a rebellious attitude may not even be speaking with their own parents yet, let go of the rope. Ease into conversations with these parents and lose your fear of being yelled at. Be an empathic listener, and don’t argue. They need to be taught, and you are going to do it.
