by James Burns | Dec 23, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Victims of Bullying get bullied for a variety of reasons. Weakness is only one of them. People are bullied today for difference now more than ever. We would like to think that prejudice is yesterdays news; unfortunately it’s not. The narrow minded bully comes in all shapes and sizes and operates in all venues of society. Please click on the link below and read how one of our soldiers in Afghanistan was bullied. Not by the enemy, but by his fellow Americans who he fought side by side with. He wasn’t killed by enemy fire, he was bullied to death.
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/8-soldiers-charged-death-pvt-danny-chen-afghanistan-article-1.994762
by James Burns | Dec 15, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Disrespect is really a symptom of a deeper problem going on within the mind of a child. Anger or guilt is at the root. Often teachers are not even aware that the child is angry but notice a change in their attitude, and are not sure where it is coming from.
Rules and regulations and compassion and understanding are critical for a successful classroom to run as well as for a successful relationship to develop between students and teachers. Anytime there is an imbalance between the two, disrespect will occur. We may think that we are doing a student a favor by letting him get away with certain behavior, too much mercy however will result in a disrespectful attitude. Autocracy will also result in a problem because the student will constantly be wrestling with what he has to do to please you. It is critical to balance the two and use as much authority and influence as needed.
Some suggestions for developing a classroom of respect and kindness are listed below. They are all relationship based and encourage positive interaction between students and teachers.
PRAISE – Begin a praise day and have all students write down something they like about another person in the class. It could start, “The nicest thing about you is” and have the students finish the paragraph. This encourages respect amongst students and makes it the norm in your classroom. One student gets a turn everyday. The teacher becomes quality control and filters out any negative comments. One student a day leaves with a folder of nice comments made about them.
Of course teachers should use praise as a tool for motivation. Remember to praise character not achievement.
KEEP PROMISES – Students will wrap their life around promises you make to them. Make them very sparingly and very carefully. Consider all the variables and make sure you can control them. Don’t tell students they can bring candy to school for Halloween and then find out administration doesn’t allow it. Make promises and keep them.
SINCERITY AND HONESTY – Students can pick out a phony a mile away. Be sincere with your concerns and student abilities.
SAY HELLO – Say hello to all students. This encourages communication and helps to break down any walls between you and the student and helps build a positive relationship.
CALL BY NAME – NO NICKNAMES OR DEROGATORY REMARKS Don’t fall into the trap of calling students a name that their friends call them. Remember “Leave it to Beaver” his teacher did not call him Beaver she called him Theodore.
AFFECTION – Because of the fear of touching teachers have shied away from touching their students. We are not talking here about inappropriateness but rather a hand on the shoulder, a high five, or a pat on the back. This not only affirms but also makes the student feel that you recognize and are aware of them.
LISTENING – There are five types of listening, ignoring, pretend listening, selective listening, attentive listening and finally empathic listening. We all want to be empathic listeners. This is when we listen with our body posture and our eyes. We reflect back content and feeling. We don’t offer any advice but rather use listening as a means of strengthening the relationship. We want avoid reading our own autobiography into the conversation.
2-3-4-5 X 10 – Every day for ten days straight have a 2-3-4 or 5 minute conversation with one of your students just like you would with a good friend. Have several of these going on everyday. Around day eight the students will look to you for the conversation and develop a greater sense for you as a person.
LITTLE COURTESIES – The little things are the big things. Model.
by James Burns | Dec 11, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Opinion is opinion and we all have one. What forms these opinions is another story. Sometimes they are formed and almost appear to be judgment on a group or a method, or a habit or just an overall dislike for a person or an idea. These opinions are not based upon facts, but rather a compilation of thoughts that have been infused in us from our parents, teachers, or even the media. There is another form of opinion that is not spoken about much but it does exist, and that’s experiential opinion. The interesting thing is that this opinion can be as good if not better than empirical research.
A few years back I had published “The New 3Rs in Education: Respect, Responsibility, and Relationships.” This writing was based upon the experiences that I had as a teacher and as an administrator. It was written not only to declare war on the overall discipline problems that teachers experience in schools, but as a way of saying thank you, I feel your pain, and support you. It was highly critical of the excuses that are used for student behaviors today and how students now have the ability to hide behind a label. Too often labels such as ADHD and ODD are thrown around and often a parent is relieved that a condition exists so the condition can be blamed for the child’s behavior and not their poor parenting. In these instances I am referring to students who have behavioral problems with disrespect and irresponsibility being routine to their day. Did I do any research? Of course I did. Did I use my past experiences as method of compiling information, absolutely. Does everyone like my conclusions? Not at all. But the question that needs to be asked is; are they valid? You can be the judge of that based upon of course your own opinion. I have been called a genius for drawing some of my conclusions, and of course more recently uneducated, and unprofessional with no idea what I am talking about.
I say what no one else will, but I will tell you; even though many won’t say it, they are thinking it. They are grateful that someone is providing a voice for them and can see the problems they face from their point of view. Teachers’ today fear for their jobs. They worry about voicing an opinion, and are concerned about always being politically correct. If they speak up they could easily be hauled into the principal’s office for a reprimand and if they are non tenured possibly fired. Those in the health care industry believe I am being too hard on kids, and parents. My apologies. Every problem can’t be solved with therapy, any more than ADHD can be cured with medication. It takes a balanced approach of the two. Opinion? Maybe, take a look at the condition of education and the world today and decide if we don’t need to make a change.
I think it only fair to let you read some of the reviews written about the book so you can make a decision whether or not to buy it. The majority of them are very positive with a clunker thrown in. You can read the clunker at amazon.com if you like.
A Must read for Teachers Today!,
It’s about time someone has written a book that really addresses the problems we teachers face today. Thank goodness Mr. Burns has had the guts to tell it like it is. His easy to read book will entertain you and give you some great ideas about how you can improve your effectiveness as a teacher and even as a parent. What a refreshing change!
Truly Profound Profoundly True
This little gem helps us remember what we as a society need to be reminded of. kids thrive on structure. of course, I have oversimplified, so read this life changing book to get the whole picture. it is so readable, and very entertaining, just full of homespun wisdom and anecdotes that had me shaking my head in rueful agreement with Mr. Burns’ point of view. so, basically, I say, do not miss this book!
Motivational
I came away with renewed energy and optimism for dealing with behavioral problems in the classroom. This book is definitely an eye opener to both parents and educators. I appreciate Mr. Burns’ candor and recommend this book to help anyone dealing with behavioral difficulties.
The Truth Doesn’t Hurt At All
This book is a must read for teachers, parents, and grandparents! Finally, practical strategies to help answer the question, where has all the respect gone? Jim Burns is an educator who leads by example. His experiences with family and students are effortlessly spun into an entertaining, informative, easy, and must read for all! I admire his honesty without all the fluff and his unique ability to bring the swinging pendulum that governs our ever-changing philosophies in dealing with children back to reality. Finally a practical approach to teaching kids! Thanks Mr. Burns!
For many legitimate reasons, teachers often become hyper-sensitive and adopt a martyr complex which distorts their judgement. They work in a culture which is top down and garnished with hypocracy. Mr. Burns speaks with a matter of fact voice and attempts to trump political correctness and present a case for common sense and a system which teaches consequential thinking and recognizes that there are many reasons for behavior but there are no excuses. He cautions that creating labels for people to hide behind to excuse their behavior is dangerous. Mr. Burns is not denying the special needs of many students but would rather address these problems without labels or drugs as much is possible. Rules and regulations with compassion and understanding will better serve our children with a sense of balance than overreaction and hearing only what we want to hear.
To purchase the book click on it on the right
by James Burns | Nov 27, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents
Liberty and freedom: synonymous? I don’t think so. We all have the liberty to do and say whatever we want. Good or bad. Oh, of course with consequences both good and bad as well. What we do with that liberty determines the amount of freedom we experience in the deep recesses of our mind and our soul. We are all supposed to be responsible, that’s a given. Responsible for what? Responsible for our thoughts, words, actions, attitudes, and our motives. Liberty is a condition of the environment in which we live, how we use that liberty will determine the condition of our soul. One can’t act on whatever impulse that moves them without experiencing the potential guilt that could plague them, maybe for a lifetime. So yes, we all have environmental liberty, but, based upon our actions we may never experience the true freedom that comes from a clear conscience. Guilt can change a person from the inside out and produce bitterness, depression, and at times mental illness.
So, how does this relate to bullying? It may take a while but here goes. Bullies use their liberty un wisely, and know full well that they do. They lack impulse control, and don’t have a clue what it means to be responsible for how they act and what they say. Their conscience is shot because of guilt and shame, and quite frankly you can’t grow a conscience. They use that liberty with no regard for the rights and privileges of another person. There is no, none, nada, freedom to be had in the soul of a bully. There is nothing there but guilt. This guilt produces a critical condemning attitude that leads to a lack of empathy for others. Their conscience may very well be seared. What’s the solution? Read on and you may be surprised.
Everyone is in a hurry until they get in front of me! Always in a rush? Always leaving late? Everyone just slows you down. How late would you be if you ran someone over or had a car accident on the way to your destination? When you are in a hurry, slow down. Easier said than done. The consequence that might be experienced from speeding might be more than a person could bear. Like killing someone or having that car accident that results in being paralyzed for the rest of your life. How does this relate to bullying? A bully is six times more likely to be incarcerated by the age of 24. Why is this so important? Because no one imposed a consequence on a bully and held him accountable for his behavior. A logical consequence for speeding might be a speeding ticket. A natural consequence might be a car accident. The consequences imposed on a bully at an early age are not strong enough for him to stop his behavior; the consequences imposed on a bully later in life do stop his behavior. What the family and the schools don’t do society does do. By the way how slow do you drive after a speeding ticket? How long would a bully continue to bully if a consequence was imposed that really hurt? I am not talking about a detention, or an in or out of school suspension. I am talking about removal from an activity that the bully would really like to participate in, or having charges filed for harassment, intimidation and bullying. What does society do with people who are anti social? They remove them, to jail. Same principal here. Once this happens a few times the bully starts to develop something that helps him begin to evaluate his behavior. That’s called consequential thinking.
Consequential thinking is merely the ability to evaluate what will happen to me if I involve myself in behavior that is inappropriate. I start to think what will happen if I use my environmental liberty in the wrong way. I begin to look at life from two perspectives before I act and ask myself the following questions; what will I gain from my behavior or what will I lose? If the loss is great enough I begin to rethink what I am about to do. Like bully someone. My liberties may be reduced, but the freedom that my conscience develops is increased. I develop less guilt and a better attitude. Sounds simple right? Wrong, it’s hard. Why, because I have to rely on someone else to impose the consequence. Families, schools, and society have to act then and only then will my behavior change. It may be hard to admit but, we are our brother’s keeper.
So, why is it so hard to restrict someone’s environmental liberty? Because everyone has rights; Rights to say and do what they want, with consequence of course as mentioned before. That doesn’t help the victim of bullying though, does it? The victim is still exposed to the bully’s attacks whether it be verbal, physical, or by way of social media. The victim is victimized in two ways; he/she is victimized by the bully, and is victimized by the fear of school, and society who always want to remain politically correct. That’s right POLITICALLY CORRECT, yes I am shouting. Don’t restrict the bully’s liberties, just let him bully the victim into becoming a bully, who is so angry, and bitter, that he exacts his revenge on his family, society, or a school; we all remember Columbine High School don’t we? Pay now or pay later. Oh yes, then of course discipline the victim, or let them discipline themselves like Harris and Kleboltz did after killing and wounding dozens of students and teachers at Columbine, they committed suicide. I could go on about victims who have lost their emotional freedom but I won’t. I will just mention one more, Tyler Clemente. The Rutgers student who couldn’t stand the embarrassment and shame of being video taped in a compromising position with another male, by two other students who exercised their environmental liberty, and then uploaded it on youtube. Tyler’s emotional freedom was taken from him in an instant. He then took his life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge. Everyone stands by the age old saying that is politically correct by the way; a person is innocent until proven guilty. Well when a victim reports that they were bullied maybe we should just assume that the bully is guilty until proven innocent.
by James Burns | Nov 4, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Going to a Catholic grammar school for nine years had its benefits. We had to wear uniforms so there wasn’t any clothes competition. We went to church all the time so we got some formal spiritual training. You couldn’t even think of using profanity because you thought the nuns read your mind and would find out what you were thinking. We learned good penmanship. We were respectful, compliant, and responsible. The crazy thing is no one gave me a choice in any of these areas I was forced to do them. It wasn’t like the nun said to me you can go to church if you like or why don’t you try to hold your pencil this way or is that the way to speak to someone? If I didn’t do it the way it was supposed to be done, my blood stains would be on the floor.
As I look back at this experience, the one thing that I realize is that this type of education taught me something that no one talks about today and that’s self-control. The majority of the problems that a person faces in their life are related to a lack of self-control. Everybody either eats too much, drinks too much, spends too much, can’t control their temper, lusts after things that they can’t have like someone else’s spouse, and develops habits that they can’t break that could kill them or someone else like smoking or driving too fast.
Now why does all this happen? Well, I never remember my parents or any teacher in my life saying to me the choice is yours: You can smoke or not. You can lose your temper or not. You can overeat or not. Self-control is taught. If I did something that exhibited a lack of self-control, I got grabbed by someone and got reamed out or in the worst case scenario got clobbered. I was taught to wait on line, raise my hand, take my time, practice until I got it right, memorize, and I got drilled on skills that everyone knew were necessary for life long success. Look, musicians practice endless hours to perform a single piece of music. Students study instead of watch TV. Athletes devote years of their lives to prepare for an Olympic event that may last only a few minutes. The concepts of self-control, delayed gratification and discipline seem so counter to our cultural values. We use our credit cards because we want things right away. We become impatient if we wait more than a few moments at a drive-through at McDonalds. We eat ourselves into obesity and poor health because it feels good, with little consideration of the long-term consequences.
Self-control should be graded in school and looked at as a quality necessary for success as an adult. If you or someone you know is having trouble with self-control I have a good friend named Sister Houlihan who still thinks self-control is important. She is 4 feet 8 inches tall and she can still make a grown man hold his pencil the right way!
Laura Branigan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJibuZxs3Xg
