by James Burns | Feb 20, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers
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by James Burns | Feb 1, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Teachers
Activity – Wrinkled Wanda – On chart paper, have the participants trace an outline of a full body person. (See below for an example) Once the outline has been traced, the participants will write unkind, rude, and disrespectful statements all over the outline. These are statements that could be made to another person like, “You’re a loser, Nobody likes you, You are dumb.” Identify the drawing as a girl named Wanda. After Wanda is completely filled with a variety of negative comments, have the participants crumple the drawing, and then un-crumple it. Post the wrinkled drawings around the room. Explain to the class that these drawings are examples of what negative comments can do to a person who is bullied. Bullying comments can destroy a person’s self image and often leads to a defeated body language in the victim.
Next have the participants do the drawing again. This time write as many positive comments on the drawing as possible. Statements like, “You did such a nice job, or I enjoy your friendship. Fill it with really nice statements. Cut this drawing out, but don’t wrinkle it. Post these drawings around the room. This person is now just called Wanda. What is the difference between the two? Have the participants get into base groups and discuss how they would introduce this lesson to their students and invent any variations on the activity that would be helpful to their students.
Activity – The toothpaste activity – Ask for a volunteer to come to the front of the room. Place a strip of masking tape on the length of the table. With a tube of toothpaste, have the volunteer run a bead of toothpaste on the length of the masking tape. Now ask the participant to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Obviously, it can’t be done. This is an example of how hurtful words once spoken cannot be taken back. Bullies say hurtful words frequently and need to know the impact that their words have on their victims.
Activity – Who am I? This activity requires an illustration about something that happened to me from the time I was in the 6th grade until I graduated from high school. My name is Jim and it became rather endearing to some to call me Jimbo. I really didn’t mind it but someone decided to drop the Jim at some point and call me Bo. I accepted the handle but way down deep I wish that folks would just call me by my real name, Jim. Oh, everyone meant no harm, but my parent’s, teachers, friends, coaches, all called me Bo. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I didn’t like it. I lived with it. Once I got to college, I made everyone aware that my name was Jim. Often we as teachers can call students by names that we hear other students call them, and may not even be aware that they may not like being called certain names. Address your students by their actual name to avoid leveling the ground and jeopardizing your authority. If you have any question about this ask yourself what Beaver Cleaver’s teacher called him. “Theodore.”
Have the participants write down on a sheet of paper names that they were called when they were younger or that they may even be called now. After they have done this have them crumble up the paper and throw it in the garbage can as indicator that they will never be called this name again. Next have the participants write down on another sheet of paper what they want to be called as an indicator that this is what my name actually is.
by James Burns | Jan 17, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers, Technology
Cyber bullying is a term used to define recurrent and sustained verbal and/or physical attacks by one or more children towards another child who is unable or unwilling to deescalate the engagement using information and communication technology. Like classic bullying, cyber bullying is harmful, repeated and hostile behavior intended to deprecate and disparage a targeted child.
Bullying use to be confined to schools, neighborhoods or some small geographic location that the bullied child could leave and seek respite. With cyber bullying, the target child has no escape from the taunting and harassment afforded by the internet and mobile digital technology. Given the variety of methodologies cyber bullies use, which continues to expand, provided below are the ten most common.
1. Exclusion: Exclusion is a cyber bullying tactic that is highly effective and indirectly sends a provocative message to the target child without the need for actual verbal deprecation. As its well-known children and teens are developmentally fixated on being recognized by their peers, the process of designating who is a member of the peer group and who is not included can be devastating to the target child.
2. Flaming: Flaming is a term describing an online passionate argument that frequently includes profane or vulgar language, that typically occurs in public communication environments for peer bystanders to witness including discussion boards and groups, chatrooms and newsgroups. Flaming may have features of a normal message, but its intent if designed differently.
3. Outing: Outing is a term that includes the public display, posting, or forwarding of personal communication or images by the cyber bully personal to the target child. Outing becomes even more detrimental to the target child when the communications posted and displayed publicly contains sensitive personal information or images that are sexual in nature.
4. E-mail Threats and Dissemination: E-mail Threats and Dissemination is a cyber bully tactic used to inspire fear in the target child and then informing other members in the peer group of the alleged threat. The cyber bully sends a threatening e-mail to the target child and then forwards or copy & pastes the threatening message to others of the implied threat.
5. Harassment: Harassment is sending hurtful messages to the target child that is worded in a severe, persistent or pervasive manner causing the respondent undue concern. These threatening messages are hurtful, frequent and very serious. Although sending constant and endless hurtful and insulting messages to someone may be included in cyber stalking, the implied threats in harassment does not lead the target child to believe the potential exists the cyber bully may actually be engaged in offline stalking of the target child.
6. Phishing: Phishing is a cyber bully tactic that requires tricking, persuading or manipulating the target child into revealing personal and/or financial information about themselves and/or their loved ones. Once the cyber bully acquires this information, they begin to use the information to access their profiles if it may be the target child’s password, purchasing unauthorized items with the target child’s or parents credit cards.
7. Impersonation: Impersonation or “imping” as a tactic in cyber bullying can only occur with the “veil of anonymity” offered by digital technology. Cyber bullies impersonate the target child and make unpopular online comments on social networking sites and in chat rooms. Using impersonation, cyber bullies set up websites that include vitriolic information leading to the target child being ostracized or victimized in more classic bullying ways.
8. Denigration: Denigration is used in both classic and cyber bullying, denigration is a term used to describe when cyber bullies send, post or publish cruel rumors, gossip and untrue statements about a target child to intentionally damage their reputation or friendships. Also known as “dissing,” this cyber bullying method is a common element and layer involved in most all of the cyber bullying tactics listed.
9. E-mail and Cell Phone Image Dissemination: Not only a tactic used in cyber bullying, but a form of information exchange that can be a criminal act if the images are pornographic or graphic enough depicting under aged children. Children can receive images directly on their phones and then send them to everyone in their address books. Of all cyber bullying methods, this tactic, which serves to embarrass a target child, can lead to serious criminal charges.
10. Images and Videos: Briefly described in Happy Slapping, the usage of images and video recording has become a growing concern that many communities, law enforcement agencies and schools are taking seriously. Due in part to the prevalence and accessibility of camera cell phones, photographs and videos of unsuspecting victims or the target child, taken in bathrooms, locker rooms or in other compromising situations, are being distributed electronically. Some images and videos are emailed to peers, while others are published on video sites.
by James Burns | Jan 16, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying
For proactive parents who plan to practice & institute Internet safety, I’ve compiled my quick checklist & tips to help ensure all your bases are covered. The list provided is a quick injection of internet safety awareness. I hope my checklist helps insulate your child from abuse and leads to a safer and more productive use of the internet. This list was developed by Dr. Michael Nuccitelli a Forensic Psychologist and the founder of iPredator. He has given me permission to publish his information on this site.
Definition
Internet Predator – (iPredatorTM): A child or adult who engages in psychological and/or physical victimization of others motivated by; peer acceptance, malice, spite and criminal or deviant drives using digital communications technology, telecommunications or mobile devices.
FBI’s Parents Internet Safety Guide: Visit the FBI’s website and thoroughly read their excellent overview called “A Parent’s Guide to Internet Safety.” Before moving on to step two, make sure you’ve written down and have easy access to your local police department’s phone numbers. Link: http://www.fbi.gov/statsservices/publications/parent-guide.
Offline Distress Dictates Online Response (ODDOR): A child is particularly prone to engage in high-risk behaviors online if he/she is feeling discouraged, angry or distressed. Do not move on to the next step until you’re confident your child is feeling encouraged, stable or being monitored by a professional or trusted loved one. Of the hundreds of articles and studies I’ve researched, a child’s psychological status highly correlates with their online behaviors. If there are ongoing conflicts at home, recent traumatic events or any other anxiety and/or distressing events in the home, it’s very important to monitor your child’s online usage.
Just as important as your child’s home environment is your child’s school environment. Given you can’t be with your child when they are at school, it’s important to maintain regular contacts with school officials regarding your child’s attitudes and behaviors on school grounds. Although academics in school are a priority, your child’s demeanor with teachers and fellow students speaks to their psychological and emotional welfare. Research has directly linked a child’s school and home environments to their online activities.
Personal Information Prevention Planning: The number one and most important issue to address with your child is the amount of personal information they share online. Getting your child to practice minimal release of their name, contact information, photographs and passwords to their social sites is highly desirable. If I were to make an approximation of the several hundred articles I’ve read on internet safety and cyber security, 99% percent of them list restriction of sharing personal information online being vital to internet safety.
It can’t be emphasized enough, but children who disclose their contact information, personal information and images freely are at a much higher risk of being targeted by an iPredator. The goal as an Internet safety proactive parent is not to totally restrict or forbade your child from sharing personal information, but to educate them on being highly cautious and consistently aware when, why and what they disclose to others.
Peers, Parents & the PTA: Given you can’t monitor your child’s online activities when they’re not in your presence, its paramount to access those people who will be. Your child’s friends, their friend’s parents and their school are the three prime social targets you should be in regular contact with. The goal is to initiate and sustain open communication with your child’s friends and their parents regarding internet safety expectations. Just because you have restricted your child from certain online activities doesn’t mean your child’s friends are restricted or their parents have online house rules.
Using your capacity to be cordial and polite, maintain a consistent open dialogue with your child’s social circles. Regarding your child’s school environment, it’s important to have an open dialogue with school officials and/or the PTA to ensure internet safety and cyber security mechanisms are in place. Before the school year begins, contact school officials and investigate their internet safety measures, educational emphasis on Internet security and procedures for cyberbullying, cyberstalking, sexting, mobile device usage during school hours and cybercrime related to adolescent life.
Know Your Child’s Social Networking Sites: As of 2011, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tagged and MyYearbook are among the most popular social networking sites children and teens look to for their cyber identity, digital reputation and online social relationships. Thanks to the Internet and digital technology, many children and teens look to the digital universe for their developmental milestones and self-esteem.
Unfortunately, iPredators also choose these sites as their most favored websites spending most of their free time trolling for unsuspecting, naïve, discouraged or high-risk children. Given the 400-500 popular global social sites and growing, it’s of the utmost importance to spend time with your child discussing digital citizenship and cautious online communications.
Smartphones & Cellphones Need More Smarts: A smartphone is a wireless phone with voice, messaging, scheduling, e-mail and Internet capabilities. Research and marketing trend experts’ project sales of smartphones will exceed personal computers by the end of 2012. In 2012, 500 million smartphones are projected to be sold. Despite the benefits of mobile digital technology, children and teens are becoming more dependent on their mobile phones more than ever before.
Weekly Digital Dinner: The term may sound absurd, but making it a habit to discuss the family’s digital habits at least once weekly during dinner is both proactive and helpful. In today’s dual economy and single parent households, dinnertime is one of the few weekly events that are consistent, social. As just mentioned, it’s the family’s digital habits and interactions discussed and not the child’s weekly interrogation. By all family members discussing their internet activities, children will feel more comfortable to disclose information relevant to internet safety and their online activities.
During these weekly discussions, always make sure to discuss the importance of being highly cautious of sharing personal information online. It’s also highly recommended to discuss positive, beneficial aspects and stories about online usage to make the weekly discussions fair and balanced. Prior to every weekly digital dinner discussion, its highly recommended to announce to all involved that any information shared regarding online activities will not cause punishment, retribution or embarrassment. This weekly announcement may be redundant, but it reaffirms to your children that they won’t be punished for their mistakes or irresponsible behaviors.
House Rules Include Online Rules: Just as children have curfews, responsibilities and chores, they also should have online rules & regulations. Based on my conclusory findings, there are no universal online rules that can be applied to children of all ages. The three that I feel are relevant to children of all ages and at all times are; cautious disclosure of sharing personal information online, never meeting someone they’ve met online without supervision and never sharing their passwords to anyone other than their parents.
Other than this triad, parents should establish house online rules based on their child’s age, developmental maturity, knowledge and persistence of internet safety. In addition to the trifecta of obvious rules I mention, research
has led me to conclude that nighttime online usage and time patterns should be considered when negotiating or designing online rules. Research on iPredators have concluded that they prefer to troll for their victims during evening hours and at time intervals when the child or children they’re targeting typically log on to the internet. The iPredator learns online log on habits and sets their online schedule to match the child they’re targeting.
Knowing your child will be experiencing these highly dramatic & emotionally charged events, you can use them to your advantage regarding their online activities. Instead of telling your child “NO,” educate them on how images and information we share online can last for years. Just as rumors of friends spread, online rumors and embarrassing images can go “viral.” Directly connecting your child’s developmental fears to their online behaviors of disclosing information is an effective and natural internet safety technique. When done in a kind, respectful way, this method for teaching your child to be cautious of sharing personal information can be highly effective.
Complete Parental Control? No Such Thing: With the trends of today’s online community and technological advancements, insulating your child from iPredators and keeping them safe online has ever been more challenging. Ranging from home computers to mobile digital technology, children have access and exposed to multiple forms of online activities and devices. Even if you use content blockers, filters, trackers or parental control software, children have ways to get around these if their heart and minds are set on engaging in high-risk online activities. If, like me, you’re not a digital technology expert, it’s best to rely on the professionals.
Prior to purchasing security software or hardware, contact a trusted source. In every community, someone either your friends or a colleague knows is a digital technology expert. Given the market is flooded with hundreds of products, services and methods, contact your local expert source and rely on their recommendations. Secondly, contact your phone and internet service provider for what they recommend to protect your child.
I’ve provided you with a short, but thorough and effective internet safety tips checklist to help reduce the chances your child becomes a target of online predators, cyberbullies and/or cyberstalkers. The Internet, digital technology and mobile devices will continue to influence all children as their peers, advertising and cultural trends place pressure upon them to have the latest smartphones and access to the most popular social networking sites.
If it hasn’t happened already, I guarantee your child will approach you on numerous occasions pleading for the newest digital technology and/or wanting to join the growing number of social sites that will be in fashion in the future. The key to being a proactive parent is making the effort to learn about iPredators and Internet safety. The most important internet safety advice to protect your child can be summed up in one statement as follows:
An iPredator will always move on to other victims when a parent takes the time to beproactive, preventative and protective.
Dr. Michael Nuccitelli is a New York State licensed psychologist and certified forensic consultant. He completed his doctoral degree in clinical psychology in 1994 from the Adler School of Professional Psychology in Chicago, Illinois. In 1997, Dr. Nuccitelli became a licensed psychologist in New York State (License # 013009.) In 2006, he received the Certified Forensic Consultant designation from the American College of Forensic Examiners (Identification # 103110.)
by James Burns | Dec 25, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Bitterness
The word is out. Bullying will not be tolerated. Schools, communities, and society have now drawn the line. Students will be disciplined in school for it, employees and employers will be held accountable for acts of harassment and intimidation, and everyone must be on guard in terms of what they say and how they act. The internet is filled with anti bullying programs, campaigns, lesson plans, strategies, and self help sites. States across the country have now passed anti bullying legislation, and New Jersey is leading the way with its Anti Bullying Bill of Rights. That’s it. NO MORE BULLYING! Well, I hate to disappoint everyone but bullying is not the problem; the root problem at least. Bullying is the symptom. It is the symptom of deep seeded anger (bitterness), the desire to do what we want and get what we want when we want it (greed) and the consequences of our past behaviors that were left uncorrected (guilt).
We are quite a society. Better yet, quite a country. Anytime we see a problem we create a law or we throw money at it with the hopes that it will go away. That’s right. A kid kills himself because of being bullied into emotional submission so let’s create a law that says, NO MORE BULLYING. Makes sense, I guess. But what about the kids or adults who bully? What is their real problem? What makes them want to act out the way they do? Remember, bullying is the symptom. Why treat the symptom? It only provides temporary relief, not permanent help. Did you ever have chest pains? Take a Tylenol, the pain might go away but you are still going to have a heart attack. Let’s take a look at the REAL problem.
Parents today don’t really take the time to get to know their own children. Most times when they talk to their kid they are usually disciplining them and they really don’t know how to discipline. Parents are usually reactive. Their kid does something wrong and they flip. No balance of rules and regulations with love and understanding. You see kids are born with the innate ability to do the wrong thing. If you think this is off base just remember the first words you wanted your two year old to understand. NO, NO, NO. The social and emotional window for the brain closes around the age of five years old. In other words, a child’s perception of the world around him is formed by five. Their conclusions have been drawn, but they still have a fear of disagreeing with their parents for now. They have a good memory and if their parents were unfair, reactive, lacked empathy, and disciplined out of sheer anger the kid will remember. As a child’s bravado increases he begins to take risks and starts to disagree with mom and dad. Around the age of ten the child goes through something called mental puberty. That’s when about 3% of the kid’s brain starts to think like an adult. Then the arguments start. They don’t have to, but they do. Why, because of the parents inability to teach their child one very important skill that will in the final analysis produce life- long success. The child needs to be taught how to disagree with the right attitude. It sounds simple, right. Wrong, it’s hard. Why, because the parent doesn’t know how to get out of their own way. So, what do they do, they argue with their kid. No discipline, no love, they just argue. The parent themselves may have grown physically, but not emotionally. This arguing produces a sense of fear and intimidation in the home with the child’s perception being that’s how I get what I want. Argue. The child becomes more and more angry because guess what? He is not going to win; at least not for now, probably never. But, he will seek revenge for sure. The child will begin to become disrespectful, uncooperative and irresponsible. By the way, the manifestation of disrespect in a child is laziness. It’s not that he doesn’t want to take out the garbage; he just doesn’t want to take it out for you. A sense of despair begins to develop in the child as he/she moves into their teen years and another conclusion is drawn. This is a tough one. The now teen begins to believe; “I can’t please my parents anyway, no matter what I do, so what is the use in trying.” Ah, the bitterness is starting to creep in. The difference between anger and bitterness is anger is episodic and usually goes away within a short period of time. Bitterness is like a seed that grows in a child and becomes a tree by the time they become an adult. They are never happy, judgmental, and uncooperative, love to spread gossip, can’t take orders, disrespectful, and irresponsible. These qualities are pretty well disguised for a while. But once the person enters into a relationship the qualities begin to drip out. By the way, some of the people that a person meets may appear to have qualities that are just over the top in terms of how nice they are. They are patient, kind, understanding, polite, etc., but give it time. Remember too good is no good.
Now, how does all of this relate to bullying? These now bitter young adults get married, with no knowledge of how to raise or discipline children. They may have been victimized in their own home, by parents or even their siblings. They may have left home in rebellion because of the desire to get away from their parents. They may not even speak to their parents. They feel victimized by life and are self centered with no knowledge of how to be a good spouse or a parent. They are bitter victims. That bitterness is now taken out on their spouse and children. The message that their children learn is, I get what I want through fear and intimidation and that becomes their standard of comparison. They enter school with that attitude and ultimately become the next generation of bullies. No one wants to admit that bullying is an intergenerational problem but if we are going to begin to put an end to this epidemic it may require the healing of two or maybe three generations.
When I worked as a high school administrator, I spoke with hundreds of parents, and was stunned to find out that these parents did not speak at all to their own parents because of a riff that they had when they were teenagers. I realize that some parents have done things that are absolutely unforgiveable which requires therapy, and if therapy is needed, get it for the sake of you marriage and your children. But, if your relationship with your parents is affecting your life right now, and it requires a conversation that could result in forgiveness, do it. Bitterness is the root problem for many behaviors that people exhibit right now. Parents who have difficulty disciplining their own children need to take a look at themselves and what their relationship is or was like with their own parents. It is a known fact that people who have problems in this area lose their perception on life and can’t even recognize right and wrong behavior. Remember when someone loses control the end result is a negative reaction. Understanding bitterness, the first root problem, is the first step a person must take to help begin to solve the problems that bullying is causing in our schools and in our society.
Greed
I want what I want when I want it is the mentality of a two year old. A problem in our society today is that we have adults with this same mentality. Have you taken a close look at our economy? How do you think we have gotten into this financial mess? People wanting what they want when they want it, like a house they can’t afford. How about the epidemic of obesity, or drug and alcohol addiction? It gets to a point that it is all about want and has nothing to do with need. How about power? We all want it, right? Do we need it? How about control? A two year old child learns the ropes quickly when it comes down to getting his parents to do what he/she wants when they want it. Throw a tantrum and young parents find themselves at a loss when it comes down to how to stop it. They don’t know how to discipline. So, give him/her what they want and the tantrum subsides, until the next time. What parents don’t know is the next time will be in a grocery store or some other public place. The desire for power and control is a direct result of a lack of self control.
Bullies love power and control. They crave it. They love holding someone as an emotional hostage. A child who is given power and control in a home will crave it as he/she grows older and begin to see this type of behavior as “normal.” They will begin to develop an entitlement mentality; a mentality that no parent wants to admit to. I really don’t have a problem with people who crave money, houses, and other expensive items, as long as they can afford them and don’t believe that they deserve them and are entitled to them. When one uses power and control to get what they want that’s where the line has to be drawn.
Bullies use their greed for power and control to manipulate others, intimidate, and to instill fear into the heart and mind of their victims. This greed coupled with a lack of empathy produces a self centered and self absorbed person who will do anything to get what they want. Working on the conscience of a bully by speaking with him about his behavior may help. But you can’t grow a conscience. Character education is the answer to this problem, but as teachers we get kids when it may be too late, and the greed for power and control has already become part of their way of life. The quality that needs to be taught is gratefulness. Gratefulness vs. Unthankfulness – Letting others know by my words and actions how they have benefited my life. Tough to teach and kids need a model. I guess we all have to wok on this if the next generation of kids are going to have a shot.
Guilt
Guilt is a necessary emotion that keeps us from doing things that we know are wrong and that could hurt others. Too often though, the guilt engulfs us after we have done something that unwittingly hurt others or had an effect on out family or life in general. Parents are usually plagued by this emotion while watching their children grow into adult hood. They are overwhelmed watching their son/daughter make poor decisions that have a negative impact on their life. This guilt sits in the heart of a parent because for some reason they wish that they just had done some things different that would have helped their son or daughter avoid the pitfalls that are having unending consequences in their life. What could they have done differently? The answer might surprise you.
At a very young age children don’t know right from wrong. They have to be taught and they have to be corrected. They also have learned how to get away with things like lying, sneaking, and at times even stealing. Children who are left uncorrected begin to believe that their parents by default agree with their behavior. This is not always intentional. For example kids sneak all the time. I might not see my daughter coloring behind the clothes in the closet on the wall with crayons, but she knows she did it and she knows that it is wrong; just the fact that she knows that it’s wrong produces guilt. That guilt produces in a child and I can’t put it any other way a rotten attitude. Children are waiting to be corrected. They want to be corrected; the reason, because it clears their conscience for every other past offense. Attitude is rarely corrected, behavior is, and correcting the behavior improves a child’s attitude. It helps improve an adult’s attitude as well. Just listen to some criminals who are locked up in prison for their crimes when they are interviewed. They are contrite and apologetic for what they did. Unfortunately it took a prison sentence to do it.
What does all of this have to do with bullying? I think that it is obvious. The lack of correction leading to the guilt and the rotten attitude produces behaviors that violate the rights and privileges of other people. It produces disrespect, a lack of empathy, an entitlement mentality. These three behaviors give you the definition of a bully.
Correction is the key if we are going to begin to take a bite out of this bullying epidemic. Without it guilt will permeate the hearts and minds of our young people. Correction takes on many forms from a good talking to a prison sentence, but it is something that must be done. It should be balanced, by enforcing rules and regulations with compassion and understanding. Discipline comes from the root word disciple which means to teach. It is not enough to just discipline for behaviors that are inappropriate. Parents and teachers must continually proact and teach behaviors like respect, responsibility, compliance, and empathy each and every day providing them with the tools that are necessary for life long success.
