by James Burns | Aug 3, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Everyone needs a certain amount of praise and affirmation. Children are no different, if anything they need to know that the positive behaviors that they exhibit are recognized and appreciated frequently by teachers and by parents. Praise when offered appropriately to children will no doubt encourage them to continue with the positive behaviors of respect and responsibility. Praise needs to be offered to children when they display specific behaviors that have been identified by a teacher or parent. Often children are praised for anything and everything. This can produce in the child a skewed view of who they are and ultimately they can have a difficult time accepting correction. The praise becomes so frequent that the child can begin to believe that they can’t do anything wrong. A sense of entitlement builds in the mind of the child that is often accompanied by arrogance with the child developing a disrespectful attitude toward those adults who offer any correction for behavior that is unacceptable. Praise needs to be offered to children, but needs to be balanced by rules and constructive suggestions. Praise, if offered too frequently can become what I call White Noise.
During the summer of 1971, when I was sixteen, my first cousin, Jim, and I spent a lot of time together at each other’s houses. We played baseball and hung out with other kids. I enjoyed the visits, and so did he. He was an only child, and I was the only boy in my family. We had a lot in common, and during this time we were good friends. My cousin wasn’t as good at baseball as I was, but he was what I call a rooter. He enjoyed watching baseball and enjoyed watching me play. During one of his visits, I had a scheduled game. I had to be at the game early, so my dad and cousin came later. During the game, I had three hits, including the game-winning hit. I was the catcher and threw out three runners who were trying to steal second base. I had a great game. When the game was over, my dad drove my cousin back to his house, and I hung out with my friends.
I went home, went to bed, got up early the next morning, and left the house. My parents owned a bar in the town where I lived, and we lived right above the place. The normal routine was that my mother would open the bar in the morning. My father would sleep a little later then relieve her around 11:00 a.m. He would work until about 4:00 p.m. then go upstairs and take a nap. I can always remember him sitting in his recliner napping in the afternoon. He needed that nap; he was in his late fifties and had to be ready to work the night shift.
That afternoon, I returned home around 5:00 to find my father in his recliner, but he was awake. He jumped up out of his chair like he had a spring under him. He ran over to me, hugged me hard, and said, “I was so proud of you last night.” I thanked him, and I felt him squeeze me like he never had before. I felt the warmth of his body, but even more, I felt the warmth of his words.
Well, I’m fifty-seven years old now, and I still remember that hug and those words. Sometimes parents can say so much to their kids about their performance that it can almost seem like that white noise that I mentioned above. Most kids know their parents are going to speak well of them because they are well, their parents. But, the right words of praise and encouragement at the right time can actually change a child’s life. In my case, my dad didn’t offer a lot of praise and was very critical of me at times. This experience was life-changing for me. I quickly forgot all the times my father had said critical things to me. As a father myself, I know I have the power to determine how my own children view themselves. A father’s words do truly make a difference.
by James Burns | Feb 8, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Rudolf Dreikurs (February 8, 1897, Vienna – May 25, 1972, Chicago) was an American psychiatrist and educator who developed psychologist Alfred Adler‘s system of individual psychology into a pragmatic method for understanding the purposes of reprehensible behavior in children and for stimulating cooperative behavior without punishment or reward.
He suggested that human misbehavior is the result of feeling a lack of belonging to one’s social group. When this happens the child acts from one of four “mistaken goals”: power, attention, revenge or avoidance (inadequacy).
Dreikurs’ reasoned that these students will “act out” based on the four, principled, “mistaken goals.” The first reason for their misbehavior is that they desire attention. If they do not receive the attention they crave through their actions (good or bad, e.g. doing well on a paper or throwing a tantrum), they move onto seeking power (e.g. they may refuse to complete a paper). If their power struggle is thwarted, they then try to get revenge. If even revenge does not get the desired response, they begin to feel inadequate.
I teach a graduate course in education entitled Cooperative Discipline, based upon the book, Cooperative Discipline by Dr. Linda Albert. This course is based in part on the Dreikurs model of the four immediate goals of attention, power revenge, and avoidance of failure. When I first began to teach the course I believed that these four motivations worked in isolation and were almost unrelated to each other. What I recently came to discover was that if many students don’t receive attention, either good or bad, for their behavior, then they will raise the stakes and move on to the next level, which is engaging their teacher in a power struggle. If the students lose that struggle, then they may move on to the next level, seeking revenge, usually on the teacher.
But when positive attention is given to students they are then less likely to seek attention in a negative manner. Students who receive positive attention on a consistent basis will naturally become more respectful, more responsible, and will find it far easier to connect and form good relationships with teachers, their classmates, and others of significance in their lives. Conversely, when students don’t receive positive attention they can become frustrated and angry and ultimately they become filled with despair. They begin to feel that they can’t please their parents or teachers no matter what they do so they figure what’s the use in trying at all.
All roads lead to attention. When positive attention is given to a student respect and responsibility become far easier to communicate. Students begin to feel recognized for their achievements and don’t seek attention in negative ways..
As a young parent I became aware of the importance of positive attention with my oldest daughter Sarah who is now almost 18 years old. When she was about 5 years old I was in the middle of my career as a school administrator. I worked long hours and usually came home exhausted from my day. I would get home and quickly change clothes and read the paper or just try and unwind. I didn’t know it at the time but Sarah was waiting very patiently for me to get home. She wanted to play and she wanted to play with dad. She would come up to me and say, “Daddy, will you play with me?’ I would say to her, “Honey, Daddy is very tired, let me relax for about 30 minutes and then I will be ready to play with you, okay.” She would come back to me after the 30 minutes and she would be ready to play. I played with her, but I really didn’t have my heart in it. I just didn’t feel like playing tag or play dolls with a 5 year old girl. I never once came home and said to her, “What do you want to do?” And I never had an enthusiastic attitude when I played with her. Sarah’s behavior began to change; she became more disrespectful and less compliant. I found myself constantly correcting her and I was becoming more and more frustrated with her negative behavior and attitude.
Let’s look at this from a child’s perspective. Anytime my father is spending time with me and talking to me, it’s because I am doing something bad – that’s how I get my dad’s attention. So it is to my advantage to act up because that’s the only time that my father spends time with me and gives me the attention that I want.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter to children what type of attention they get. If they can’t get positive attention, then they will settle for negative attention. It wasn’t until I started giving my daughter the required attention and involved myself with her by playing board games, going to the park, tickling her, and taking a real interest in her emotional needs did she become more respectful, responsible, and compliant.
All roads do lead to attention and if the correct attention is given to a child then respect and responsibility will be far easier to teach.
by James Burns | Dec 23, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Victims of Bullying get bullied for a variety of reasons. Weakness is only one of them. People are bullied today for difference now more than ever. We would like to think that prejudice is yesterdays news; unfortunately it’s not. The narrow minded bully comes in all shapes and sizes and operates in all venues of society. Please click on the link below and read how one of our soldiers in Afghanistan was bullied. Not by the enemy, but by his fellow Americans who he fought side by side with. He wasn’t killed by enemy fire, he was bullied to death.
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/8-soldiers-charged-death-pvt-danny-chen-afghanistan-article-1.994762
by James Burns | Dec 15, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Disrespect is really a symptom of a deeper problem going on within the mind of a child. Anger or guilt is at the root. Often teachers are not even aware that the child is angry but notice a change in their attitude, and are not sure where it is coming from.
Rules and regulations and compassion and understanding are critical for a successful classroom to run as well as for a successful relationship to develop between students and teachers. Anytime there is an imbalance between the two, disrespect will occur. We may think that we are doing a student a favor by letting him get away with certain behavior, too much mercy however will result in a disrespectful attitude. Autocracy will also result in a problem because the student will constantly be wrestling with what he has to do to please you. It is critical to balance the two and use as much authority and influence as needed.
Some suggestions for developing a classroom of respect and kindness are listed below. They are all relationship based and encourage positive interaction between students and teachers.
PRAISE – Begin a praise day and have all students write down something they like about another person in the class. It could start, “The nicest thing about you is” and have the students finish the paragraph. This encourages respect amongst students and makes it the norm in your classroom. One student gets a turn everyday. The teacher becomes quality control and filters out any negative comments. One student a day leaves with a folder of nice comments made about them.
Of course teachers should use praise as a tool for motivation. Remember to praise character not achievement.
KEEP PROMISES – Students will wrap their life around promises you make to them. Make them very sparingly and very carefully. Consider all the variables and make sure you can control them. Don’t tell students they can bring candy to school for Halloween and then find out administration doesn’t allow it. Make promises and keep them.
SINCERITY AND HONESTY – Students can pick out a phony a mile away. Be sincere with your concerns and student abilities.
SAY HELLO – Say hello to all students. This encourages communication and helps to break down any walls between you and the student and helps build a positive relationship.
CALL BY NAME – NO NICKNAMES OR DEROGATORY REMARKS Don’t fall into the trap of calling students a name that their friends call them. Remember “Leave it to Beaver” his teacher did not call him Beaver she called him Theodore.
AFFECTION – Because of the fear of touching teachers have shied away from touching their students. We are not talking here about inappropriateness but rather a hand on the shoulder, a high five, or a pat on the back. This not only affirms but also makes the student feel that you recognize and are aware of them.
LISTENING – There are five types of listening, ignoring, pretend listening, selective listening, attentive listening and finally empathic listening. We all want to be empathic listeners. This is when we listen with our body posture and our eyes. We reflect back content and feeling. We don’t offer any advice but rather use listening as a means of strengthening the relationship. We want avoid reading our own autobiography into the conversation.
2-3-4-5 X 10 – Every day for ten days straight have a 2-3-4 or 5 minute conversation with one of your students just like you would with a good friend. Have several of these going on everyday. Around day eight the students will look to you for the conversation and develop a greater sense for you as a person.
LITTLE COURTESIES – The little things are the big things. Model.
by James Burns | Nov 6, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Many years ago I had a friend whose son was getting ready to go off to his freshman year of college. We drove him up to Dartmouth. Her intention was to stay up there for three days to help him with the adjustment and get settled. During the five hour car ride there, he kept insisting that we leave after we dropped him off. We told him that we were definitely staying over for at least one night. After we moved him in we took him to dinner and walked around the campus with him. I watched his body language and I realized that even though he had protested in the car for five hours, he was glad we stayed. This story is not unique. Parents today have a terrible time when their children leave home. That’s because they know deep down that they haven’t done enough to prepare their children for independence. Children today are not given enough basic responsibilities when they are young and aren’t prepared for being responsible for all that lies ahead in their lives. These children haven’t learned enough about survival in the dog eat dog world. They are emotionally immature. Emotionally mature people have certain characteristics that make it easy to recognize them. What are these characteristics and what does an emotionally mature person look like?
Let’s start with one for today – Honesty
Emotionally Mature People are Honest
John Bradshaw, the adult child of alcoholic guru, made this very telling comment about the truth. “Telling the truth prevents future pain.” So why doesn’t everyone tell the truth? The answer is very simple. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional maturity to speak the truth. Often the truth can lead to a confrontation which is something a person who is emotionally immature just can’t deal with.
Larry, a dear friend of mine, who unfortunately has passed away, watched me with my daughter one day. Anytime she did or said something that was wrong, I would have a huge reaction and start to yell at her about her behavior. Larry just kept observing this. Finally he said to me, “Jim, by reacting the way you do, all you’re doing is grooming your daughter to be a good liar.” I finally understood what he meant when my daughter started to bend the truth a little. I would ask her a question and she would poke around verbally to try to find out what I wanted to hear. She did this to prevent my reaction. Emotionally mature people can speak the truth without fear of a reaction from another person, and can handle the truth when it is spoken to them. In this country, we are very accustomed to dishonesty, and everyone seems to lie, withhold information, or embellish a story just to make themselves look good in the eyes of others.
One of our most popular presidents was most definitely an emotionally immature liar. In 1998, we watched as President Bill Clinton constantly denied his relationship with Monica Lewinsky. Why? Maybe he had a fear of an entire country and, of course, his wife Hilary’s reaction. When President Clinton continued to deny his affair, things only got worse for him as other women come flying out of the closet pronouncing that they also had affairs with the president as well. Clinton was also an expert in finding out what people wanted to hear and then he would tell them exactly what they wanted. People often joked that he always agreed with the last person that he spoke with. As a society we are so accustommed to untruth, and half truths that Clinton was forgiven for his behavior and he remains very popular in the eyes of many and his deviance admired.
Lying, conning, and withholding may prevent confrontations and reactions temporarily. But, permanent help only comes when the truth is spoken. Emotional maturity starts with being honest with ourselves and with others. It truly does set us free.
Respect
Emotionally Mature People Are Respectful
People who are emotionally mature are respectful. They don’t live and die by the saying…I’ll give respect when I get respect. They are respectful to everyone regardless of how they are treated. They have an appreciation for the rights and privileges of another person and therefore can accept differences of opinions gracefully. Emotionally mature people have a built- in set of values that won’t allow them to use their words or actions to be disrespectful to anyone. They enjoy other people’s successes and are ready to offer praise to others for their accomplishments. Emotionally mature people know how to respond to authority and know how to work with their employers regardless of whether or not they like or agree with their boss.
Responsibility
Emotionally Mature People Are Responsible
Emotionally mature people have the ability to accept responsibility for their own actions. They don’t look for excuses for their behavior. There may be reasons or circumstances why emotionally mature people act in an irresponsible way but they don’t waste time making all kinds of excuses. Emotionally mature people don’t feel victimized by circumstances or other people. Even when circumstances or events are difficult, they deal with them without resorting to blaming others. They realize that they were influenced by these circumstances and not determined, and at any point they can change their response to the influence.
In life, people can be dealt a bad hand in many different areas. They may have inherited a family disease; their parents may have been very poor or divorced maybe even alcoholics. The list could go on and on. It becomes the responsibility of the individual to overcome difficult circumstances that were not really the fault of that person. Typically, emotionally irresponsible people spend their entire lives blaming others for their problems. When they do this, they remain irresponsible and do not believe that they need to attempt to help themselves. A person who is irresponsible can blame others for so long that the hole he or she is in gets deeper and deeper.
Compliance
Emotionally Mature People Are Compliant
What does it mean to be compliant? Most people would say it means that you do what you’re told when you’re told to do it. That’s about right, but not quite. Emotionally mature people have the ability to do what they’re told, when they’re told to do it, with a good attitude. One of the first signs of maturity in a child is when they have the ability to cooperate even when they disagree. When they do disagree, they do it with the right attitude. Another lost principle. Compliance
