If you follow the news and are involved in the anti bullying movement in New Jersey you will probably know this name well. If you don’t this name means nothing to you at all. Dharun Ravi is the young student who used a webcam to spy on his roommate Tyler Clementi having sex with a man in his dorm room at Rutgers University. Ravi sent tweets of his findings on twitter to his followers humiliating, and embarrassing Clementi to the point that he took his own life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge in September of 2010. Ravi faced up to 10 years in prison for his actions. Before the jury went off to deliberate the case they were informed by Judge Berman of New Brunswick New Jersey that Mr. Clementi’s suicide was not relevant to the case they were considering. Ravi was found guilty of all 15 counts of invasion of privacy, biased intimidation and evidence and witness tampering on March 15. He was sentenced today (May 21, 2012) to 30 days in jail, 300 hours of community service, counseling on cyberbullying and alternative lifestyles, and a $10,000 probation fine to be used to help victims of bias crime.
After Tyler Clementi committed suicide the state of New Jersey passed the strictest harassment, intimidation, and bullying laws in the country. Schools were mandated to have anti bullying specialists, and coordinators. Investigation into acts of bullying was also mandated and schools were put on notice that they are going to be graded on how they handled bullying in their districts. The Anti Bullying Bill of Rights, which all schools must abide by, is the standard that other states look at and consider when they tackle the problem in their state.
Let’s back this up a bit and start considering what would have happened if Tyler Clementi didn’t take his life. Business as usual I guess, right? Does it take a tragedy like a suicide to make an entire culture understand how devastating harassment, intimidation, and bullying can be to its victims? How about Dharun Ravi? Supposed Clementi never said anything would anyone even know who he is right now? How many Dharun Ravi’s are there in society today who take the time to humiliate, harass and intimidate? It is amazing to me that we have to have a law that says we have to treat others with kindness and respect. More importantly how we consider stricter laws after a tragedy.
The sentencing is what it is. Dharun Ravi didn’t kill Tyler Clementi, the judge made that clear by calling the suicide irrelevant; Irrelevant to whom? Certainly not to Clementi’s family or those that loved him. Ask Dharun Ravi if Clementi’s suicide was irrelevant? Dharun Ravi wasn’t sentenced today; he was sentenced in September of 2010 the day that Clementi took his life. I have often said that consequences take on many forms. Dharun will serve his time and pay the fine, he will do his community service and it’s over right? Wrong; I don’t care whether he displayed remorse in court or not. He has lost his freedom albeit not physically. He will be emotionally and mentally bound in chains for the rest of his life. His own conscious will see to it.
The world is a lonely place. We have all heard this before. Eight billion people on the planet, yet many struggle with loneliness. I don’t mean being alone, we all enjoy our alone time now and again. I am talking about being in a room full of people and being lonely. It may not be realized, but the victims of bullying truly are in a room full of people and are lonely everyday. How can this happen? In evaluating the bully/victim dynamic over the years I have come to realize that loneliness is driven by the fear of people: the fear that the closer we get to someone the greater the chance that we will be hurt or disappointed by their behavior. As we grow closer to someone, and the more we reveal ourselves to others the greater the chance we will be hurt. At least that’s the conclusion that many victims have come to about life in general. Victims want to be recognized and have someone, somewhere call their name, and let them know just how much they mean to them and others. As teachers we often forget who is in front of us, and how they need to feel like they are truly a part of something that is bigger then any loneliness that plagues them daily. Reach out NOW and call their name with joy and let your students know just how happy you are each and everyday to see them.
On March 20 Jim and I had a very special guest- Dr. Michael Nuccitelli, a forensic/clinical consultant who has done his homework when it comes to internet predators and cyber bullying. We discussed the social media sites available today (ie. Facebook, Twitter, etc.). Dr. Nuccitelli educated us on the following statistics:
Facebook- 5 million out of the 7.5 million people under 18 are 10 years old and under.
At any given time, there are 750,000 online predators.
Only 10% of children being cyber bullied tell their parents, most likely for fear of losing their internet privileges. What’s the solution, parents? Dr. Nuccitelli says to tell your kids that they will never lose their internet privileges, as long as they are open and honest with you.
But what if your child isn’t being completely honest with you? Here are some signs to look out for:
1. Your child’s internet history is cleared.
2. He/She turns off the computer when you enter the room.
3. Your child is upset when he/she gets off the computer.
The mission of BULLY PROOF ASSURANCE is to extinguish bullying behavior by building a national community committed to shining a bright light on a national and global crisis. We hope to provide students who become victims with a secure network of support which begins with the opportunity to report incidents of bullying in anonymity. Too often bullying is not reported or ignored creating circumstances which lead to untold human suffering and significant cost to every taxpayer.
Bullying behavior has accelerated to epidemic proportions. Upwards to twenty five percent of U.S. students are bullied annually and twenty percent of high school students say they have seriously considered committing suicide within the last twelve months. Thirty percent of students who reported they had been bullied said they had at times brought a weapon to school. Nationally, more than 160,000 students stay home from school daily (NEA) due to bullying. Two thirds of those students involved in school shootings were bullied, and two thirds of victims become bullies. A bully is five times more likely to have a serious criminal record and six times more likely to be incarcerated by the age of 24. All of this translates into a serious financial burden on an already overburdened judicial system.
The root cause of bullying and its financial burden is found in the character of American parents. Bullies are not born, but are created over time when certain behavioral dynamics allow the behavior to evolve. BULLYPROOF ASSURANCE desires to tap into the best of us and, like Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, work relentlessly to increase awareness of the problem, create an honest and genuine national conversation which in time will result in better parenting. We recognize the potential resistance associated with this project. Politics and political correctness will always be used to avoid responsibility. But schools which demonstrate high levels of success by many measures, including standardized test scores, and operate in the worst socio economic conditions show us that children can thrive if parents and the school are on the same page. Too many American schools and parents are not on the same page and there has been much bad parenting. Our society needs to take ownership of this issue. If we improve our parenting, we can reduce bullying, increase respect and responsibility, and keep some money in our pockets. Join us.
I had the pleasure of speaking with Jim Burns on our blog talk radio show this past Tuesday about the differences between feelings and emotions. For the purpose of our discussion, we defined feelings as the overall demeanor; our disposition. Emotions were defined as the way we feel day-to-day and sometimes minute-to-minute. By understanding the difference, we are able to view bullying in a new light.
Did you ever wake up in the morning, stub your toe as you’re getting out of bed, and say, “Ugh. It’s going to be one of those days…”? Suddenly, you feel out of sorts and frustrated, maybe even angry at your bed or the object that just hurt your toe. Then, for the rest of the day, you feel agitated. Everything gets under your skin, and you just wish you were back in bed. You might have a thought like, “Where am I today? I’m not being myself.” Sure you are. You are absolutely being yourself. This is a dimension of yourself coming out, that perhaps you don’t like. But regardless, it is you. You might as well accept it and learn to love it just as much as the dimension you define as “yourself.” And do you know why? Because this is just one emotion you are experiencing.
Your overall demeanor is hopefully one of a happy, content, joyful person. Maybe it’s not. But the first step to changing, is recognizing the things you are AND the things you are not. The next step is accepting your dimensions. And the third is loving them. It might sound crazy to love yourself when you’re feeling angry, thus making everyone around you miserable. But a huge part of being angry is the resistance that comes with it. What if, on a day when you felt angry, you were to accept it and say, “I don’t feel well today, and I love myself for it.”? What if?
What if you could switch your thoughts? After-all, “what you resist persists.”
You can’t give someone something you don’t have. When I speak at schools nationally through Hey U.G.L.Y. (Unique.Gifted.Lovable.You.- www.heyugly.org), I sing and talk to the students about feelings vs. emotions. We discuss how our emotions are directly correlated to how we interact with and treat other people throughout the day. You could be an overall happy person having a “bad” day, or you could be an overall nice person who is making other people feel agitated and angry, because you’re having a “bad” day. By choosing to accept these temporary emotions, we build our self-love, thus breaking the cycle and being able to give love to other people!
So accept yourself today. No matter what you are feeling/emoting. Choose acceptance.
I really enjoy Napoleon Hill. Trust is something is something we need to teach to our kids if they are going to have successful relationships in their lives. Kids who have been targets of bullying don’t trust anyone, and believe that no one cares about them. Prove them wrong, and help them establish trusting and lasting relationships with others. It will make a difference in their lives going forward. This is Napoleon Hill’s thought for today. It just fits.
Most of us have two basic questions about others when we enter into a relationship. They are: Can I trust you? And, do you really care about me? Depending upon our previous success in partnerships with others — personal or business — the answers may be slow in coming. Confidence in another is often developed gradually as those involved in the relationship commit themselves to each other’s success and happiness. Although trust and confidence are the basic underpinnings of all successful relationships, they are fragile. A relationship that has endured for months or even years can be irreparably damaged by a few unkind words or a single thoughtless act. Don’t allow yourself to act in haste or to lose control of your emotions in important relationships.
Parents who are angry and irate can wreak havoc in a school and can be intimidating. Learn how to defuse power struggles and maintain your dignity, and the dignity of the parent as you handle planned and unplanned parent /teacher conferences.This is a 5 hour self study course. The participants may be eligible for 5 hours of professional development credit.
