Dharun Ravi

by | May 21, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Dharun Ravi, Parents, Teachers, Technology

If you follow the news and are involved in the anti bullying movement in New Jersey you will probably know this name well. If you don’t this name means nothing to you at all. Dharun Ravi is the young student who used a webcam to spy on his roommate Tyler Clementi having sex with a man in his dorm room at Rutgers University.  Ravi sent tweets of his findings on twitter to his followers humiliating, and embarrassing Clementi to the point that he took his own life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge in September of 2010. Ravi faced up to 10 years in prison for his actions. Before the jury went off to deliberate the case they were informed by Judge Berman of New Brunswick New Jersey that Mr. Clementi’s suicide was not relevant to the case they were considering. Ravi was found guilty of all 15 counts of invasion of privacy, biased intimidation and evidence and witness tampering on March 15. He was sentenced today (May 21, 2012) to 30 days in jail, 300 hours of community service, counseling on cyberbullying and alternative lifestyles, and a $10,000 probation fine to be used to help victims of bias crime.

After Tyler Clementi committed suicide the state of New Jersey passed the strictest harassment, intimidation, and bullying laws in the country. Schools were mandated to have anti bullying specialists, and coordinators. Investigation into acts of bullying was also mandated and schools were put on notice that they are going to be graded on how they handled bullying in their districts. The Anti Bullying Bill of Rights, which all schools must abide by, is the standard that other states look at and consider when they tackle the problem in their state.

Let’s back this up a bit and start considering what would have happened if Tyler Clementi didn’t take his life. Business as usual I guess, right? Does it take a tragedy like a suicide to make an entire culture understand how devastating harassment, intimidation, and bullying can be to its victims? How about Dharun Ravi? Supposed Clementi never said anything would anyone even know who he is right now? How many Dharun Ravi’s are there in society today who take the time to humiliate, harass and intimidate? It is amazing to me that we have to have a law that says we have to treat others with kindness and respect. More importantly how we consider stricter laws after a tragedy.

The sentencing is what it is. Dharun Ravi didn’t kill Tyler Clementi, the judge made that clear by calling the suicide irrelevant; Irrelevant to whom? Certainly not to Clementi’s family or those that loved him. Ask Dharun Ravi if Clementi’s suicide was irrelevant? Dharun Ravi wasn’t sentenced today; he was sentenced in September of 2010 the day that Clementi took his life. I have often said that consequences take on many forms. Dharun will serve his time and pay the fine, he will do his community service and it’s over right? Wrong; I don’t care whether he displayed remorse in court or not. He has lost his freedom albeit not physically. He will be emotionally and mentally bound in chains for the rest of his life. His own conscious will see to it.

Loneliness

by | May 13, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers

The world is a lonely place. We have all heard this before. Eight billion people on the planet, yet many struggle with loneliness. I don’t mean being alone, we all enjoy our alone time now and again. I am talking about being in a room full of people and being lonely. It may not be realized, but the victims of bullying truly are in a room full of people and are lonely everyday. How can this happen? In evaluating the bully/victim dynamic over the years I have come to realize that loneliness is driven by the fear of people: the fear that the closer we get to someone the greater the chance that we will be hurt or disappointed by their behavior. As we grow closer to someone, and the more we reveal ourselves to others the greater the chance we will be hurt. At least that’s the conclusion that many victims have come to about life in general. Victims want to be recognized and have someone, somewhere call their name, and let them know just how much they mean to them and others. As teachers we often forget who is in front of us, and how they need to feel like they are truly a part of something that is bigger then any loneliness that plagues them daily. Reach out NOW and call their name with joy and let your students know just how happy you are each and everyday to see them.

Tell Me How To Fix This

by | May 4, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers

I saw the movie Bully Last night: one of the few folks in my circle who waited this long to see it. I mean I am an anti bullying consultant, and I should have been waiting on line to see it sooner but last night was the night. I will say that I received a great deal of feedback from friends and colleagues who did see the movie, and the big cry from all and I mean all of them was that in the schools where the movie was shot, where all of the harassment and intimidation took place the teachers, and the administration from top down did nothing to stop the nightmare of bullying that these kids were experiencing. This is not a movie review; you can get that somewhere else on the net. This is a review of how the problem was handled in the schools where the movie was filmed.

In one of the very first scenes of the movie the assistant principal whose name was Kim was addressing a few kids who just arrived at school that morning. They came to her with a problem that they were having probably on the bus, don’t remember, not sure, doesn’t matter. When she was finished speaking with the students she walked away talking to herself and made a comment that was so telling about schools and society in general. Her comment was “Tell me how to fix this.” I will add one more word myself that wasn’t said; “Quickly.” In other words get me the quick fix.

When I first started out in administration nearly twenty five years ago I did not want one problem brought into my office. Whether it was with a student, a teacher, or a parent, I would at all cost avoid a problem, and a confrontation. A good day? No problems. I knew myself well, or at least I thought I did. If a problem arouse I just wanted it to go away, very similar to the assistant principal in the movie. Soft pedal and just make it through the day. It was not until my second year as an administrator that things started to change. I had a huge confrontation with a parent, and I was balled out, really balled out. I knew it was going to happen, she was one of those parents that you just hated to see coming. My nerves were shot knowing this. Her son was disciplined and in her opinion to harshly. In some way, shape, or form I stuck to my guns and didn’t rescind the consequence. She left in a huff, and I sat back in my chair and asked myself this question; if getting yelled at by a parent is the worse that is going to happen to me today, than what am I afraid of?  I took out a composition book and documented the incident. That composition book became what I called “My Life Notebook,” anytime I had a problem going forward, I documented the problem and the steps I took to solve the problem. There are no quick fixes, none. We all need something that I call equity in life. I have defined this as developing the ability to solve a problem for which we don’t have a reference point. In other words we never did it before, but we need to learn how to do it.

School administrators today are pressured even more than I was. They fear many of the same things I did. Why didn’t I want a problem brought into my office? Because I didn’t know how to solve a problem. I believed that I had to please everyone and we all know that is just impossible.

Well we have a problem now, it’s called bullying. It can’t be fixed, not quickly anyway. In schools where anti bullying programs are in place and enforced consistently we reduce bullying incidents by about 50%. All parents want anti bullying rules to be enforced until it’s there kid who is accused of bullying. Then the discussions start and the fear of the confrontation builds to a point that administrators take the path of least resistance. The assistant principal in the movie was so filled with fear and lacked such professional equity that all she could hope for day to day was that the problem would just go away. It’s not going away. If anything it will get worse if schools and society don’t learn how to handle…….the adults. Yes, the adults. Adults are the mess not the kids. The adults produce these kids, and teachers, and school administrators are all adults. Aren’t they? Help me fix this.

 

 

 

Life Lessons

by | May 1, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers

Some Great Stuff. It Does Make Sense. 

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents

will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath.. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t   save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

 

 

 

Bullying and Social Media

by | Mar 22, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers, Technology

On March 20  Jim and I had a very special guest- Dr. Michael Nuccitelli, a forensic/clinical consultant who has done his homework when it comes to internet predators and cyber bullying. We discussed the social media sites available today (ie. Facebook, Twitter, etc.). Dr. Nuccitelli educated us on the following statistics:

Facebook- 5 million out of the 7.5 million people under 18 are 10 years old and under.

At any given time, there are 750,000 online predators.

Only 10% of children being cyber bullied tell their parents, most likely for fear of losing their internet privileges. What’s the solution, parents? Dr. Nuccitelli says to tell your kids that they will never lose their internet privileges, as long as they are open and honest with you.

But what if your child isn’t being completely honest with you? Here are some signs to look out for:

1. Your child’s internet history is cleared.

2. He/She turns off the computer when you enter the room.

3. Your child is upset when he/she gets off the computer.

Jim says the signs to look for are:

  1. Rapid Behavioral Shift (RBS)
  2. Increased Isolation
  3. Familial Withdrawal

Parents : this website is a great tool to use so that you can be further educated on proper internet etiquette (digital citizenship): http://www.auburn.edu/academic/education/citizenship/

 Please check out my music and current projects at www.devynrush.com andwww.youtube.com/devynrushmusic. Follow me on Twitter: @devynrush, and email me at devynrush@heyugly.org.

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Bully Proof Assurance

by | Mar 8, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers

This is an absolutely great article.

The mission of BULLY PROOF ASSURANCE is to extinguish bullying behavior by building a national community committed to shining a bright light on a national and global crisis.  We hope to provide students who become victims with a secure network of support which begins with the opportunity to report incidents of bullying in anonymity.   Too often bullying is not reported or ignored creating circumstances which lead to untold human suffering and significant cost to every taxpayer.

Bullying behavior has accelerated to epidemic proportions.   Upwards to twenty five percent of U.S. students are bullied annually and twenty percent of high school students say they have seriously considered committing suicide within the last twelve months.  Thirty percent of students who reported they had been bullied said they had at times brought a weapon to school.   Nationally, more than 160,000 students stay home from school daily (NEA) due to bullying.  Two thirds of those students involved in school shootings were bullied, and two thirds of victims become bullies.   A bully is five times more likely to have a serious criminal record and six times more likely to be incarcerated by the age of 24.  All of this translates into a serious financial burden on an already overburdened judicial system.

The root cause of bullying and its financial burden is found in the character of American parents.  Bullies are not born, but are created over time when certain behavioral dynamics allow the behavior to evolve.   BULLYPROOF ASSURANCE desires to tap into the best of us and, like Mothers  Against Drunk Drivers, work relentlessly to increase awareness of the problem, create an honest and genuine national conversation which in time will result in better parenting.   We recognize the potential resistance associated with this project.  Politics and political correctness will always be used to avoid responsibility.   But schools which demonstrate high levels of success by many measures,   including standardized test scores, and operate in the worst socio economic conditions show us that children can thrive if parents and the school are on the same page.   Too many American schools and parents are not on the same page and there has been much bad parenting.  Our society needs to take ownership of this issue.  If we improve our parenting, we can reduce bullying, increase respect and responsibility, and keep some money in our pockets.  Join us.