by James Burns | Mar 8, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Teachers
I had the pleasure of speaking with Jim Burns on our blog talk radio show this past Tuesday about the differences between feelings and emotions. For the purpose of our discussion, we defined feelings as the overall demeanor; our disposition. Emotions were defined as the way we feel day-to-day and sometimes minute-to-minute. By understanding the difference, we are able to view bullying in a new light.
Did you ever wake up in the morning, stub your toe as you’re getting out of bed, and say, “Ugh. It’s going to be one of those days…”? Suddenly, you feel out of sorts and frustrated, maybe even angry at your bed or the object that just hurt your toe. Then, for the rest of the day, you feel agitated. Everything gets under your skin, and you just wish you were back in bed. You might have a thought like, “Where am I today? I’m not being myself.” Sure you are. You are absolutely being yourself. This is a dimension of yourself coming out, that perhaps you don’t like. But regardless, it is you. You might as well accept it and learn to love it just as much as the dimension you define as “yourself.” And do you know why? Because this is just one emotion you are experiencing.
Your overall demeanor is hopefully one of a happy, content, joyful person. Maybe it’s not. But the first step to changing, is recognizing the things you are AND the things you are not. The next step is accepting your dimensions. And the third is loving them. It might sound crazy to love yourself when you’re feeling angry, thus making everyone around you miserable. But a huge part of being angry is the resistance that comes with it. What if, on a day when you felt angry, you were to accept it and say, “I don’t feel well today, and I love myself for it.”? What if?
What if you could switch your thoughts? After-all, “what you resist persists.”
You can’t give someone something you don’t have. When I speak at schools nationally through Hey U.G.L.Y. (Unique.Gifted.Lovable.You.- www.heyugly.org), I sing and talk to the students about feelings vs. emotions. We discuss how our emotions are directly correlated to how we interact with and treat other people throughout the day. You could be an overall happy person having a “bad” day, or you could be an overall nice person who is making other people feel agitated and angry, because you’re having a “bad” day. By choosing to accept these temporary emotions, we build our self-love, thus breaking the cycle and being able to give love to other people!
So accept yourself today. No matter what you are feeling/emoting. Choose acceptance.
Please check out my music and current projects at www.devynrush.com andwww.youtube.com/devynrushmusic. Follow me on Twitter: @devynrush, and email me at devynrush@heyugly.org.
My debut EP (due to release inMay) is now available for pre-order. Please email me if you are interested in a copy!
A Special Thank-You to my wonderful guitarist and friend, Charlie Rauh, who gave Jim and me so many great ideas for our discussion.
You can listen to this entire show by clicking on the blog talk radio banner on the bottom right.
by James Burns | Mar 3, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers, Uncategorized
I really enjoy Napoleon Hill. Trust is something is something we need to teach to our kids if they are going to have successful relationships in their lives. Kids who have been targets of bullying don’t trust anyone, and believe that no one cares about them. Prove them wrong, and help them establish trusting and lasting relationships with others. It will make a difference in their lives going forward. This is Napoleon Hill’s thought for today. It just fits.
Most of us have two basic questions about others when we enter into a relationship. They are: Can I trust you? And, do you really care about me? Depending upon our previous success in partnerships with others — personal or business — the answers may be slow in coming. Confidence in another is often developed gradually as those involved in the relationship commit themselves to each other’s success and happiness. Although trust and confidence are the basic underpinnings of all successful relationships, they are fragile. A relationship that has endured for months or even years can be irreparably damaged by a few unkind words or a single thoughtless act. Don’t allow yourself to act in haste or to lose control of your emotions in important relationships.
http://www.naphill.org/posts/tftd/thought-for-the-day-saturday-march-3-2012/?utm_source=NHF+Email+Subscribers&utm_campaign=19747f8682-TFTD_EMAIL&utm_medium=email
by James Burns | Mar 2, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers
I don’t think that there is a person around who doesn’t own a computer. PC’s are used for everything. They are used to pay bills, write letters, and look stuff up on the internet. Handwriting has even been abandoned in schools because so much work is done on the computer. It is amazing how individuals have come to rely on this tool and how it has affected society. The one thing about the computer though is that it requires human programming in order for it to save files and store information. Often times we lose track of a file on the computer because we forgot the name it was given when it was saved. All computers have a certain amount of what is called Random Access Memory (RAM). This is the way a computer saves information and how it can be recalled when it is searched for. If the computer isn’t programmed with this information when a file is searched for it will likely give the response; “No File Found” In other words the information was never put into the memory for retrieval. In looking at this one can’t help but compare a computer to the human brain and how the brain needs to be programmed in order to retrieve information.
The brain receives and retrieves information from its environment and from human senses. If the information makes sense and has meaning it is likely that it will be stored in to long term memory. If the brain can’t make sense of it won’t be stored and it will not be able to be retrieved at a later time by a persons human RAM. Let’s look at this as it relates to a young child who is in need of correction. He is told what to do and he doesn’t do it. He is warned and told of the consequence, and then he is warned two or three more times until he is ultimately corrected. The child’s brain draws the conclusion that correction will come when mom, dad, or his teacher gives him three or four chances and usually when their voice tone changes. That is what gets stored in the child’s long term memory and when the child searches for his response when corrected his RAM will tell him that. The saying “The Boy is Father to the Man” could not be more true. A child who can do and say what he wants when he wants to at an early age, say up until about 4 or 5, will have no RAM and deal with life very reactively. He will suffer from something called Situational Reactive Disorder. Situations where no RAM has been programmed into the person’s brain lead to this condition. There are singular one time events in a persons life that they have not had time to rehearse a response for or never been give the opportunity to practice for and the person doesn’t know what to do so they react. Things like being able to control anger, manage relationships, handle fears, respect authority, and being responsible are all things that require RAM or a situational reaction will occur.
Children need to be programmed just like a computer. Not robotically but rather in a way that installs the correct information into their heads that lead to appropriate responses as they grow older. Some people may say that we are not dealing with computers here. That’s not all true we are dealing with the brain a very sophisticated human computer that can be helped by loving people who care deeply about the perception that this little person has of the world. It is absolutely critical to give children the skills to deal with life independently and the only way this can happen is if they have enough RAM to do so.
by James Burns | Feb 20, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Parents, Teachers
The Bully Proof Classroom is seeking writers for this website. If you are a teacher, parent, or even a student and would like to share some ideas or even your own bullying story we would love to hear from you. Your article will get front page views when it is posted and you can also provides links to help promote your own site. If you are a good writer and believe you have something that is relevant to the topic of bullying please send us an email at proactive7@verizon.net. The only thing that we ask is that you show your loyalty by subscribing to The Anti Bullying Tip of the Day.
by James Burns | Feb 8, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Rudolf Dreikurs (February 8, 1897, Vienna – May 25, 1972, Chicago) was an American psychiatrist and educator who developed psychologist Alfred Adler‘s system of individual psychology into a pragmatic method for understanding the purposes of reprehensible behavior in children and for stimulating cooperative behavior without punishment or reward. He suggested that human misbehavior is the result of feeling a lack of belonging to one’s social group. When this happens the child acts from one of four “mistaken goals”: power, attention, revenge or avoidance (inadequacy). Dreikurs’ reasoned that these students will “act out” based on the four, principled, “mistaken goals.” The first reason for their misbehavior is that they desire attention. If they do not receive the attention they crave through their actions (good or bad, e.g. doing well on a paper or throwing a tantrum), they move onto seeking power (e.g. they may refuse to complete a paper). If their power struggle is thwarted, they then try to get revenge. If even revenge does not get the desired response, they begin to feel inadequate.
I teach a graduate course in education entitled Cooperative Discipline, based upon the book, Cooperative Discipline by Dr. Linda Albert. This course is based in part on the Dreikurs model of the four immediate goals of attention, power revenge, and avoidance of failure. When I first began to teach the course I believed that these four motivations worked in isolation and were almost unrelated to each other. What I recently came to discover was that if many students don’t receive attention, either good or bad, for their behavior, then they will raise the stakes and move on to the next level, which is engaging their teacher in a power struggle. If the students lose that struggle, then they may move on to the next level, seeking revenge, usually on the teacher. But when positive attention is given to students they are then less likely to seek attention in a negative manner. Students who receive positive attention on a consistent basis will naturally become more respectful, more responsible, and will find it far easier to connect and form good relationships with teachers, their classmates, and others of significance in their lives. Conversely, when students don’t receive positive attention they can become frustrated and angry and ultimately they become filled with despair. They begin to feel that they can’t please their parents or teachers no matter what they do so they figure what’s the use in trying at all.
All roads lead to attention. When positive attention is given to a student respect and responsibility become far easier to communicate. Students begin to feel recognized for their achievements and don’t seek attention in negative ways..
As a young parent I became aware of the importance of positive attention with my oldest daughter Sarah who is now almost 34 years old. When she was about 5 years old I was in the middle of my career as a school administrator. I worked long hours and usually came home exhausted from my day. I would get home and quickly change clothes and read the paper or just try and unwind. I didn’t know it at the time but Sarah was waiting very patiently for me to get home. She wanted to play and she wanted to play with dad. She would come up to me and say, “Daddy, will you play with me?’ I would say to her, “Honey, Daddy is very tired, let me relax for about 30 minutes and then I will be ready to play with you, okay.” She would come back to me after the 30 minutes and she would be ready to play. I played with her, but I really didn’t have my heart in it. I just didn’t feel like playing tag or play dolls with a 5 year old girl. I never once came home and said to her, “What do you want to do?” And I never had an enthusiastic attitude when I played with her. Sarah’s behavior began to change; she became more disrespectful and less compliant. I found myself constantly correcting her and I was becoming more and more frustrated with her negative behavior and attitude and when she misbehaved I always was sure to correct her because I wanted to be a consistent dad.
Let’s look at this from a child’s perspective. Anytime my father is spending time with me and talking to me, it’s because I am doing something bad – that’s how I get my dad’s attention. So it is to my advantage to act up because that’s the only time that my father spends time with me and gives me the attention that I want.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter to children what type of attention they get. If they can’t get positive attention, then they will settle for negative attention. It wasn’t until I started giving my daughter the required attention and involved myself with her by playing board games, going to the park, tickling her, and taking a real interest in her emotional needs did she become more respectful, responsible, and compliant.
All roads do lead to attention and if the correct attention is given to a child then respect and responsibility will be far easier to teach.
by James Burns | Feb 1, 2012 | Bully Proof Classroom, cyberbullying, Teachers
Activity – Wrinkled Wanda – On chart paper, have the participants trace an outline of a full body person. (See below for an example) Once the outline has been traced, the participants will write unkind, rude, and disrespectful statements all over the outline. These are statements that could be made to another person like, “You’re a loser, Nobody likes you, You are dumb.” Identify the drawing as a girl named Wanda. After Wanda is completely filled with a variety of negative comments, have the participants crumple the drawing, and then un-crumple it. Post the wrinkled drawings around the room. Explain to the class that these drawings are examples of what negative comments can do to a person who is bullied. Bullying comments can destroy a person’s self image and often leads to a defeated body language in the victim.
Next have the participants do the drawing again. This time write as many positive comments on the drawing as possible. Statements like, “You did such a nice job, or I enjoy your friendship. Fill it with really nice statements. Cut this drawing out, but don’t wrinkle it. Post these drawings around the room. This person is now just called Wanda. What is the difference between the two? Have the participants get into base groups and discuss how they would introduce this lesson to their students and invent any variations on the activity that would be helpful to their students.
Activity – The toothpaste activity – Ask for a volunteer to come to the front of the room. Place a strip of masking tape on the length of the table. With a tube of toothpaste, have the volunteer run a bead of toothpaste on the length of the masking tape. Now ask the participant to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Obviously, it can’t be done. This is an example of how hurtful words once spoken cannot be taken back. Bullies say hurtful words frequently and need to know the impact that their words have on their victims.
Activity – Who am I? This activity requires an illustration about something that happened to me from the time I was in the 6th grade until I graduated from high school. My name is Jim and it became rather endearing to some to call me Jimbo. I really didn’t mind it but someone decided to drop the Jim at some point and call me Bo. I accepted the handle but way down deep I wish that folks would just call me by my real name, Jim. Oh, everyone meant no harm, but my parent’s, teachers, friends, coaches, all called me Bo. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I didn’t like it. I lived with it. Once I got to college, I made everyone aware that my name was Jim. Often we as teachers can call students by names that we hear other students call them, and may not even be aware that they may not like being called certain names. Address your students by their actual name to avoid leveling the ground and jeopardizing your authority. If you have any question about this ask yourself what Beaver Cleaver’s teacher called him. “Theodore.”
Have the participants write down on a sheet of paper names that they were called when they were younger or that they may even be called now. After they have done this have them crumble up the paper and throw it in the garbage can as indicator that they will never be called this name again. Next have the participants write down on another sheet of paper what they want to be called as an indicator that this is what my name actually is.
