“Things never go wrong at the moment you expect them to. When you’re completely relaxed, oblivious to any potential dangers, that’s when bad things happen.” C.K. Kelly Martin
I have been working as a teacher, administrator, college instructor and consultant for nearly 42 years. During this time I have seen it all; the escalation of disrespect, blatant irresponsibility and absolute continued willful disobedience. I can remember sometime immediately after the Columbine High School Shootings in 1999 when I was still working as a school administrator saying that as long as bullying exists there is going to be angry kids who have to seek revenge on someone, group, or institution. I then cautioned that this type of horror might soon find its way onto college campuses and then other social venues as well. Well tragically it did.
I ended up leaving administration in 2004 and began public speaking encouraging schools to treat disrespect seriously and to hold kids accountable in a real way for irresponsibility and non-compliance. Stop compromising and really take a look at creating consequential thinking in our students and children. As the years went by more changes occurred; metal detectors in school, greater incidence of violence, bullying increased, teenage suicide went up, cyber-bullying became the new hobby horse as we entered the communication age, and basically the wheels began to fall off in terms of discipline and consequence.
As I spoke about what needed to be done it became more and more difficult to impose consequences because of the intergenerational tendencies of angry and irate parents and the pressure that they put on teachers and administration. Some schools as we speak don’t even allow their students to serve a detention for tardiness to class. When I presented my thoughts on all of the above at conferences and in-services the response was:
What the hell, are you kidding me, we can’t do that!
The purpose of Burns’ Bench is to help provide solutions to problems that teachers face every day. But, do go on notice that some solutions are extremely tough and are not quick fixes. Rather an approach that over the long haul will provide permanent help, not temporary relief.
I am revisiting Anti Bulling 101 to start and will be presenting problems and suggestion. We all own these problems but right now they are on my bench and I to really want to dig in and take a look at them, so the issues that we now face in education won’t continue to escalate for years to come. Check back every morning for updates from Burns’ Bench.
December 2, 2018
We Wander In The Gray Abyss
I guess everyone has reasons for doing or saying certain things and behaving in ways that are hurtful, disrespectful, irresponsible and just down right inappropriate. Understanding these reasons help us as teachers set reasonable expectations for our students. The problems begin when these reasons become excuses. When student behaviors such as disrespect and emotional cruelty are attributed to poor genetics, or environmental short comings are left uncorrected, by default we communicate to the student that we agree with the behavior. Disrespect is not a condition it is a learned behavior, and students must be held accountable for their actions. Bullying should never be justified or excused because of poor genetics or negative environmental influences. Respect can always be taught with the imposition of the right consequences. Always let your students know that BULLYING IS WRONG AND IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!
Notice From The Bench
If behaviors like disrespect, and irresponsibility are allowed to continue without any consequences they will morph into other more intense behaviors that will begin at an earlier age. Some children today already know how to give the finger, use profanity, and defy authority at the age of five years old. We can blame circumstance if we want, and there may be many reasons for certain behaviors. But, when we excuse the behavior behind circumstances the child is set up for a lifetime of misery and failure. Everyone knows where we are right now. It took us 20 years to get here. Where do we want to be at the end of the next 20 years?
I had to change my vocabulary. I used to say that kids needed to be obedient; now I use the word compliance. Teachers didn’t like it, thought it was too much like dog training. I mean we expect dogs to obey right, well mine doesn’t but that’s another story. So I watered it down, comply sounds better than obey. I compromised myself. I know they mean the same thing right? Wrong. What is the definition of obedience………….Anybody? Let me help you out. Obedience: Doing what you are told, when you are told to do it, with a good attitude. Our students can comply in many ways but still lack the correct attitude and timing. Ask one of your students’ to sit down and determine if he sat down on his terms or yours. How long did it take him/her to get into his seat? Oh, he complied but when and how is still the question. Compliance can also be very temporary. Obedience is very permanent. I don’t have to keep asking; wouldn’t it be nice to ask a kid to do something, and have him/her just do it? Bullies comply all the time, but in a very temporary way. Permanence comes when our demands are met when we make them and when the student has the right attitude. I left the NJ Turnpike one day and saw a sign that said, “You have left the NJ Turnpike Obey Local Speed Laws.” I guess obedience is not such a dirty word after all.
Notice From The Bench
We live in a world right now where if someone doesn’t agree with a request they believe that they don’t have to comply. This has come out of the idea that compliance is relative to a person’s attitude at the time of the request. Arguments and fights break out because situations are viewed differently by two different parties. Take a look; politics, sports, families, friends, and relatives. It’s okay to have a difference of opinion but when requests are made that require compliance we all have to be aware that someone is in charge. Our student’s don’t get this, and they have become adults who don’t get it as well. In order to create a safer world we all have to abide by rules and procedures, if not chaos will take over. Discipline means to teach and when students become unteachable and believe that they can do and say what they want when they want to they will leave a wake of broken relationships, job related problems and lack the skills to have a civilized discussion when disagreements arise.
December 5, 2018
Who Is In Charge?
Asking a student questions is a good thing. It gives you as the teacher an idea of the student’s knowledge base, and at the high school level what his/her views might be on different topics. So questions are good unless you are asking for something that has an obvious answer. Then you are not asking questions you are telling the student to do something and giving him/her a command. Often we can fall into the trap of asking somewhere, when, and why questions to students. Things like; “Why are you late? Where is your pencil? Or, when are you going to sit down, either don’t matter or require a consequence for being tardy, unprepared, or non-compliant. It can be as innocent as stating “We are going to do math now, okay.” When we should be saying, “Take out your math book and turn to page…” Bullies love to do what they want when they want to. So, for the obvious stop asking and start telling.
Notice From The Bench
We are slowly relinquishing our authority. That’s Right. It’s time to regain some of the surrendered ground we have given up as teachers to choices and fear of parental repercussions. Parents too need to realize that their children need to see someone in charge and they (the children) are not the one’s making the decisions. When will we as a society understand that a child of five years old doesn’t need a choice they need leadership. They need to be told not asked. When this happens respect will return for authority figures.
Please take the time to visit Burns’ Bench. This page presents solutions to some of the problems that educators face in their classroom’s each and every day. Opt in to be updated when new articles and information becomes available.
Last week the New York Post reported on the suicide of a 13-year-old Staten Island boy who had been relentlessly bullied at his Catholic school. Danny Fitzgerald’s parents posted his sad and touching letter on Facebook.It’s another example of why bullying is not good for children — or for anyone.
What’s more, the deleterious effects are no longer confined to the playground. They continue long after students close the schoolyard gate, several studies say. It turns out that not only do people being bullied suffer long-term emotional problems, but so do the bullies.
Editor’s Note: This story was originally published on Feb. 20, 2013, and was updated by Roberta Alexander on August 16, 2016.
In the final analysis the victim suffers from the scars of bullying. The bully suffers from guilt of knowing how much pain he inflicted on others. You can’t turn back the clock but you can seek out the people that were bullied in a heartfelt way through social media venues and speak with them to ask for forgiveness. This is not easy, it’s hard. According to the research health problems arise because of guilt and bitterness from either being a bully or a victim. Bringing these two parties together later in life can make a difference in terms of their health and longevity. From a practical standpoint bullies need to held accountable at an early age and victims need to be strengthened to feel more capable and connected.
Bullying is a serious threat to our youth today. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), bullying affects 20% of high school students and cyberbullying affects 16% of high school students. Surveys compiled by the CDC also show that 33% of students ages 12-18 who reported bullying at school and 27% of students ages 12-18 who reported cyberbullying indicated that they were bullied at least once or twice a month. Middle schools reported the highest rate of bullying (25%), at least once a week.
Bullying has lasting effects without question. The concern is what do we do with revenge seeking victims, who have been abused for a lifetime and whose cup has just emotionally run over. Rarely do you see a bully involved in a school shooting. It’s always the victim who believes that the only way to get even is to get even with the world as he/she knows it. More has to be done in the area of mental illness to address the clinical issues that victims face. Strengthening the victim with a resiliency based program can develop confidence and improve self esteem.
Here’s why I wish this was around when I was younger.
Bullying is something many of us can relate to. More so because it starts from our playground days and can last a lifetime.
It takes on so many different forms, but perhaps the worst of the damage lies not in physical confrontation (which is bad in itself already), but by callously and cruelly tossed words slung someone’s way.
The intent to injure with words goes beyond name-calling. It’s a systematic way of breaking down and crippling someone else’s self-esteem.
Words at times can do more damage then the physical abuse of bullying. We all have to filter what we say and determine if our words are truthful, kind, and necessary. If they are not then we have to evaluate our motives for saying what we say to others.
Until the last presidential election and the rise of the #MeToo movement, people often thought of bullying almost exclusively as kid stuff, not something mature adults engage in. How wrong we were! It turns out that adults are being bullied at rates that rival what kids experience: In an online survey of more than 2,000 adults across the U.S., conducted on behalf of the American Osteopathic Association in October, 31 percent of respondents said they’ve been bullied as adults, and 43 percent believe that bullying behavior has become more accepted in the past year.
Adult bullies are those who were never corrected as children. They still believe that they can say and do anything they want at the expense of relationships and their possible employment. This behavior will ultimately catch up to them when thy least expect it. You never know when you will need the help of someone. Character training in schools is necessary in order to break this pattern of abusive behavior.
Parents who are angry and irate can wreak havoc in a school and can be intimidating. Learn how to defuse power struggles and maintain your dignity, and the dignity of the parent as you handle planned and unplanned parent /teacher conferences.This is a 5 hour self study course. The participants may be eligible for 5 hours of professional development credit.
