by James Burns | Dec 27, 2018 | Burns' Bench
When Art was an adolescent, chats with his mother featured the usual liberal doses of guilt needed to shape socially acceptable behavior.
Art bided his time, counting the days until he would become an adult and could enjoy a relationship with his mom grounded on a level playing field.
At 47, he’s still waiting.
“Our relationship was pretty much, mother-to-son, adult-to-child,” said Art, an Apopka marketing consultant, who asked that his last name not be used. “I drew the line at one point and told her it would be necessary for her to treat me like an adult if she wanted a relationship with me.”
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Bench Notice
I First read this article when it was first published in 1995. At the time I could relate to it. And as I spoke to other adults about the topic they could as well. Now more than 20 years later I found the hard copy of the article buried in some of my old paper work. It’s published online now and I have a whole different slant on the topic. Parenting styles vary for sure; from autocratic to permissive. But when a parent doesn’t grow with their adult children and continues to treat them as children they create an environment of harassment, intimidation, and bullying.
Adult children who can’t escape the fear of their parents opinions, and judgments, fail to grow into adults who are confident and capable. Healthy adult children know how to handle confrontations in a productive manner and they know how to express their concerns while still encouraging constructive suggestions.
Parents can be bullies too, and they may not have grown emotionally because of their own upbringing. The goal is to break the cycle, and still work to maintain a positive adult to adult relationship. Parents need to understand their impact and their roles as their children mature, and adult children need to understand their own fears.
by James Burns | Dec 26, 2018 | Burns' Bench
This Is The Final Installment On Responsibility Taken From Anti Bullying 101
Do you ever watch Crime Seen Investigation? (CSI) I do, occasionally. I am amazed how all the evidence that is collected can point directly at the suspect in question, but they just can’t seem to figure out a motive. They need the motive to convict the person of the crime. We all know what the motive of a bully is right? Power, they want to have power and control over a smaller or weaker person.
How do you change the motive of a bully?
By being the strongest and most influential person in the classroom. That’s right you the teacher have this ability. You don’t need to use power; you need to use your influence. When your students realize that you are in charge their motives change from wanting to hurt, to wanting to help. They have met their match. Remember it is not about the influence of your power, but rather the power of your influence.
Bench Notice
The motive of a person is buried somewhere deep within in their secret life. It’s never revealed until a therapist or someone in the legal field starts to dig for answers as to the reason why some act or crime was committed. Bullies are driven by power as I stated above, victims by revenge.
In knowing this, it should be the job of school personnel, parents, and the community to be aware of those that are being victimized and to do their best to work with them to overcome the trauma of bullying. School shootings are usually carried out with revenge in mind. Let’s do our best to Strengthen the victims, and to hold bullies accountable for their actions.
by James Burns | Dec 17, 2018 | Burns' Bench
Despite widespread institutional efforts, including initiatives on both the federal and local levels, bullying continues to plague schools and even adult environments all over the country. The unfortunate reality is that most bullies aren’t mature enough to empathize with their targets and thus often subject them to traumatic and potentially life-altering harassment. While bullies may be able to walk away and later disregard their past behavior as just them being kids many victims often develop a lifetime of emotional baggage that follows them into their adulthood, including mental illness, low self-esteem and even problems with drugs and alcohol.
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Bench Notice
Although this article may be trying to enlist the services of Behavioral Health of Palm Beach to help with the problem of addiction and bullying, it makes some great points that should be considered as a resource Often adults don’t recognize that the PTSD that they are suffering from is an indication of the past imprint related to bullying. As adults they may be addicted or have job related issues or even relationship or marital problems. As adults they are still working to try and discover themselves and where their moral compass is pointing.
As a school or even as a parent we need to recognize the clinical problems associated with bullying at an early age and the long term effects it can have on a person’s future behavior. Depression, anxiety, and social problems are all signs that their is something kicking around in a person’s thought process that is causing them to draw conclusions (both true and false) about who they are as individuals and how they view themselves in the world in which they live.
Schools need to make the connection between the clinical issues that a student is suffering from, anxiety etc, and the addiction problems that occurs as a result. Treating the addiction as schools do will help, but attacking the root problem is they key. If bullying is occurring in the school a futuristic approach needs to be taken in order to gain a view of the problems that lie ahead for the student. An approach needs to be taken that combines strengthening the victims of bullying, and making a determination if the behavior is conduct related (learned behavior) or clinically related (trauma influenced).
by James Burns | Dec 7, 2018 | Burns' Bench
A fan from a rival high school basketball team flopped around on the floor during a game Friday to mock a player’s epilepsy, witnesses claim.
James Franklin Jr., a senior at Indianapolis’ Cathedral High School, had part of his brain removed in August 2017 to reduce his number of epileptic seizures. He’s battled epilepsy since childhood, Indy Star reported. In spite of everything, he still pursues his love of basketball.
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Some people still haven’t grown up and probably never will. Publicly making fun of someone with a handicapping condition is something that should never be tolerated and I guess officials at the Center Grove are pretty embarrassed. I am not happy with their response and believe that their embarrassment will probably cause them to soft pedal this thing and it will end with a good talking to. Basically let’s kick it under the rug.
Center Grove staff said they never heard any of the seizure comments during the game, but that they were still investigating the claims.“We take all allegations seriously and are continuing to investigate who may have made those comments,” Center Grove officials wrote in the letter to parents.
Bench Notice
First of all it wasn’t the seizure comments,(Have another seizure) it was the student acting out like he was having a seizure. It was obvious and it was caught on tape. After watching the video, what is there to investigate. Sometimes people need to be guilty until proven innocent. In this case, “Due Process” may be taken a bit too far.
We need to spend more time valuing the differences in people and stop the abuse, and in this case valuing this students courage and desire to play the sport that he loves regardless of his condition. Franklin’s coach Jason Delaney called him “a warrior”
“No one sets a better example or fights harder than James Franklin,” Delaney said.
Well spoken Coach, I agree.
by James Burns | Dec 6, 2018 | Teen Suicide
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — An online petition demands that bullying at Houston High School stop after a young man took his own life this week. Social media posts suggest the drama student was bullied a lot. But the exact reasons are unclear.
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The reasons are unclear! Please. Bullied a lot and they’re looking for a reason. There are no reasons for treating someone disrespectfully, or in an unkind manner. The school may have turned a blind eye or they just don’t know how to deal with this type of abuse that produces this type of trauma in our young people today. We always seem to look for reasons why people act the way they do. Poor up bringing, abusive parents, alcoholism, addiction,or poor genetics to name a few. These all may have a large influence on a person’s life and could certainly lead them down the path of least resistance and potential mediocrity, but they must remain reasons and not turn into an excuses. These two words get interchanged readily in our society. When we hunt for a reason we may be trying to excuse away the behavior. Once the behavior is excused away the consequence is as well. Bullying is wrong and it must never be tolerated. There is no reason or excuse that can explain away the loss of a life. More time needs to be spent Strengthening The Victims Of Bullying so this horror stops giving parents nightmares. Bullies need to be held accountable with consequences that make a difference, not a slap on the wrist, and victims need to be strengthened so they can begin one again to have confidence, feel capable, and believe that they can contribute to the school they are attending.
