Yes, everybody does know. In this world of dysfunction, deviance and denial how could anyone not know? In the world of education there are things that go on that are so obvious that denying them is just embarrassing and we all should be red faced. There is an 800 pound gorilla in the room and he is being ignored and the path of least resistance is being taken. What are these things that educators, parents and society knows but for some reason won’t discuss or won’t even admit? Let me share with you my thoughts on ten things that everybody knows.
Everybody Knows: That disrespect is pervasive in society. Students aren’t corrected for it and they become adults who believe that they can say and do whatever they want. And that includes instilling the fear of God into a teacher who tries to correct their kid. Teachers complain about it, but no one talks about the problem. Why? Because this fear ascends the ranks and school administrators and even the superintendent live in fear of irate parents. No one confronts and everybody runs. The schools are controlled by 20% of the parents with the biggest mouth, and the most threatening attitudes and behaviors.
Everybody Knows: That no one has self control. Have you looked at the condition of society? 1 in 4 homes are in foreclosure. I guess we can blame the banks, or can we? Everybody wants something bigger and better. To get bigger and better the money has to be made to get it, unless the bank doesn’t care. But, in the final analysis the decision is made by the buyer. Teenage obesity, diabetes, addiction, alcoholism, are all evidence of the lack of self control in society. And oh, did I mention anger issues and the left over bitterness from childhood that gets carried into adulthood reeking havoc on families. Society has lost control of its thoughts, its words, and its actions. Everybody knows. What produces a nation of people with self-control, consequences do. Unfortunately many people are sitting in that leaking boat right now and are experiencing the consequences of a lack of self control.
Everybody Knows: That we have medicalized education and have gotten to the point where meds are the first choice in treating behavior problems not the last. Oh, don’t get me wrong medication has proven to help kids with ADHD or ODD. Talk to any therapist though and they will tell you that medication in combination with therapy is the plan that nets the best result. In schools meds are relied on too heavily, and need to be used in combination with solid discipline and effective consequences. Realistically though where were ADHD and ODD 40 years ago? They didn’t exist or they weren’t invented yet. Why, because kids with behavior problems were few and far between. Authority was respected by parents and students. What happens when we discover that disrespect is now the norm and not the exception, we create a condition to support the behavior. If a kid acts up today it is usually attributed to the fact that he doesn’t take his medication consistently, when in reality he is not being disciplined effectively.
Everybody Knows: That the statement, “I like you, but don’t like your behavior” is a lie. Be honest you don’t like the kid. The truth is we are all are measured by our behavior. I own my behavior, I am my behavior. Like me but not my behavior, stop it. There are some adults that we don’t like because of their behavior, we might be married to one, are kids any different. The truth is I don’t like you because of your behavior, and I go home every night praying that you take the next day off.
Everybody Knows: That years ago the only thing we wanted was for a kid to obey, now it’s the last thing we get. As a matter of fact obedience has become a dirty word. The educational gurus who have spent their time attacking education from a theoretical standpoint, but never really spent any time interacting in a classroom with a group of wild kids liken the word obedience to dog training. They fear that we will destroy the creative side of a kid’s brain by not allowing him to choose and by forcing obedience. Okay already, let’s change obedience to compliance. The definition; doing what you are told when you are told to do it, with a good attitude. The NJ Turnpike has a sign posted right after you pay the toll, it reads; You have left the NJ Turnpike OBEY local speed laws. I guess we only have to obey as we get older.
Everybody Knows: That we lie to kids, and we have inflated their grades because we don’t want to destroy their self esteem. By the way, what is self esteem? Today kids feel good about themselves for no apparent reason. It is almost impossible to be left back, and if a kid has low test scores the teacher always gets the blame. So we let the kid know that he is doing great academically, inflate his grades and give him a false sense of his academic ability. Don’t worry someone will tell him, like the college he will be trying to get into in a few years. Then for sure everybody will know including him.
Everybody Knows: That excuses are built around circumstance, environmental and genetic circumstance. Crimes get committed and circumstance is always brought up. Tough up bringing, or he was raised on the wrong side of the tracks are just two excuses used. We are determined, that’s who we are, and we can’t change. Circumstances only influence they don’t determine behavior. Provide enough excuses for anyone and they will provide you the evidence to support your belief. Teachers have been forced to excuse behavior by a dysfunctional system. A system that has been shoe horned into education by a dysfunctional society.
Everybody Knows: That parents need parenting. The question is who is going to do it? After speaking to hundreds of parents about their children what I discovered was they don’t talk to their own parents. They lack discipline skills and are so angry and lost that they take out their rage on their own kids. Three generations of dysfunction. Everyone knows it, and talks about it, but no one knows what to do about this disaster that Everybody Knows.
Everybody Knows: That kids don’t fear anything today. As a matter of fact parents fear their kids more then kids fear their parents. Systemic discipline is just a slap on the wrist and dysfunctional schools fight dysfunctional families. While all of this is going on the kids watch, laugh, and say and do what they want without any real consequence.
Everybody Knows: That kids have lost their ability to get along and are rapidly becoming adults who have matured physically, but not mentally, or emotionally. Society has been taught to disagree, but with the wrong attitude, so don’t disagree with me or I won’t like you. Disagreements are things that get walked away from because of the fear of conflict. The idea that a productive conflict could exist and the two parties involved could leave enough space between them for a disagreement is too tough to imagine because egos are just too big. Win-Win, can’t happen because someone always has to win and someone has to lose. Don’t talk too loud now because someone will hear, and even your whispers will get back to the wrong person, like your boss who will muzzle you and make sure that you always walk the line of political correctness. EVERYBODY KNOWS that we are all victims of bullies and we will be for a lifetime. We still fear man and the man with power determines how intense that fear will be. EVERBODY KNOWS that bullying is intergenerational and for it to go away, which it never will it is not about the 20% of kids who bully right now in our schools, communities and families it is about what they become as adults.
Everyone needs a certain amount of praise and affirmation. Children are no different, if anything they need to know that the positive behaviors that they exhibit are recognized and appreciated frequently by teachers and by parents. Praise when offered appropriately to children will no doubt encourage them to continue with the positive behaviors of respect and responsibility. Praise needs to be offered to children when they display specific behaviors that have been identified by a teacher or parent. Often children are praised for anything and everything. This can produce in the child a skewed view of who they are and ultimately they can have a difficult time accepting correction. The praise becomes so frequent that the child can begin to believe that they can’t do anything wrong. A sense of entitlement builds in the mind of the child that is often accompanied by arrogance with the child developing a disrespectful attitude toward those adults who offer any correction for behavior that is unacceptable. Praise needs to be offered to children, but needs to be balanced by rules and constructive suggestions. Praise, if offered too frequently can become what I call White Noise.
During the summer of 1971, when I was sixteen, my first cousin, Jim, and I spent a lot of time together at each other’s houses. We played baseball and hung out with other kids. I enjoyed the visits, and so did he. He was an only child, and I was the only boy in my family. We had a lot in common, and during this time we were good friends. My cousin wasn’t as good at baseball as I was, but he was what I call a rooter. He enjoyed watching baseball and enjoyed watching me play. During one of his visits, I had a scheduled game. I had to be at the game early, so my dad and cousin came later. During the game, I had three hits, including the game-winning hit. I was the catcher and threw out three runners who were trying to steal second base. I had a great game. When the game was over, my dad drove my cousin back to his house, and I hung out with my friends.
I went home, went to bed, got up early the next morning, and left the house. My parents owned a bar in the town where I lived, and we lived right above the place. The normal routine was that my mother would open the bar in the morning. My father would sleep a little later then relieve her around 11:00 a.m. He would work until about 4:00 p.m. then go upstairs and take a nap. I can always remember him sitting in his recliner napping in the afternoon. He needed that nap; he was in his late fifties and had to be ready to work the night shift.
That afternoon, I returned home around 5:00 to find my father in his recliner, but he was awake. He jumped up out of his chair like he had a spring under him. He ran over to me, hugged me hard, and said, “I was so proud of you last night.” I thanked him, and I felt him squeeze me like he never had before. I felt the warmth of his body, but even more, I felt the warmth of his words.
Well, I’m fifty-seven years old now, and I still remember that hug and those words. Sometimes parents can say so much to their kids about their performance that it can almost seem like that white noise that I mentioned above. Most kids know their parents are going to speak well of them because they are well, their parents. But, the right words of praise and encouragement at the right time can actually change a child’s life. In my case, my dad didn’t offer a lot of praise and was very critical of me at times. This experience was life-changing for me. I quickly forgot all the times my father had said critical things to me. As a father myself, I know I have the power to determine how my own children view themselves. A father’s words do truly make a difference.
If you follow the news and are involved in the anti bullying movement in New Jersey you will probably know this name well. If you don’t this name means nothing to you at all. Dharun Ravi is the young student who used a webcam to spy on his roommate Tyler Clementi having sex with a man in his dorm room at Rutgers University. Ravi sent tweets of his findings on twitter to his followers humiliating, and embarrassing Clementi to the point that he took his own life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge in September of 2010. Ravi faced up to 10 years in prison for his actions. Before the jury went off to deliberate the case they were informed by Judge Berman of New Brunswick New Jersey that Mr. Clementi’s suicide was not relevant to the case they were considering. Ravi was found guilty of all 15 counts of invasion of privacy, biased intimidation and evidence and witness tampering on March 15. He was sentenced today (May 21, 2012) to 30 days in jail, 300 hours of community service, counseling on cyberbullying and alternative lifestyles, and a $10,000 probation fine to be used to help victims of bias crime.
After Tyler Clementi committed suicide the state of New Jersey passed the strictest harassment, intimidation, and bullying laws in the country. Schools were mandated to have anti bullying specialists, and coordinators. Investigation into acts of bullying was also mandated and schools were put on notice that they are going to be graded on how they handled bullying in their districts. The Anti Bullying Bill of Rights, which all schools must abide by, is the standard that other states look at and consider when they tackle the problem in their state.
Let’s back this up a bit and start considering what would have happened if Tyler Clementi didn’t take his life. Business as usual I guess, right? Does it take a tragedy like a suicide to make an entire culture understand how devastating harassment, intimidation, and bullying can be to its victims? How about Dharun Ravi? Supposed Clementi never said anything would anyone even know who he is right now? How many Dharun Ravi’s are there in society today who take the time to humiliate, harass and intimidate? It is amazing to me that we have to have a law that says we have to treat others with kindness and respect. More importantly how we consider stricter laws after a tragedy.
The sentencing is what it is. Dharun Ravi didn’t kill Tyler Clementi, the judge made that clear by calling the suicide irrelevant; Irrelevant to whom? Certainly not to Clementi’s family or those that loved him. Ask Dharun Ravi if Clementi’s suicide was irrelevant? Dharun Ravi wasn’t sentenced today; he was sentenced in September of 2010 the day that Clementi took his life. I have often said that consequences take on many forms. Dharun will serve his time and pay the fine, he will do his community service and it’s over right? Wrong; I don’t care whether he displayed remorse in court or not. He has lost his freedom albeit not physically. He will be emotionally and mentally bound in chains for the rest of his life. His own conscious will see to it.
The world is a lonely place. We have all heard this before. Eight billion people on the planet, yet many struggle with loneliness. I don’t mean being alone, we all enjoy our alone time now and again. I am talking about being in a room full of people and being lonely. It may not be realized, but the victims of bullying truly are in a room full of people and are lonely everyday. How can this happen? In evaluating the bully/victim dynamic over the years I have come to realize that loneliness is driven by the fear of people: the fear that the closer we get to someone the greater the chance that we will be hurt or disappointed by their behavior. As we grow closer to someone, and the more we reveal ourselves to others the greater the chance we will be hurt. At least that’s the conclusion that many victims have come to about life in general. Victims want to be recognized and have someone, somewhere call their name, and let them know just how much they mean to them and others. As teachers we often forget who is in front of us, and how they need to feel like they are truly a part of something that is bigger then any loneliness that plagues them daily. Reach out NOW and call their name with joy and let your students know just how happy you are each and everyday to see them.
I saw the movie Bully Last night: one of the few folks in my circle who waited this long to see it. I mean I am an anti bullying consultant, and I should have been waiting on line to see it sooner but last night was the night. I will say that I received a great deal of feedback from friends and colleagues who did see the movie, and the big cry from all and I mean all of them was that in the schools where the movie was shot, where all of the harassment and intimidation took place the teachers, and the administration from top down did nothing to stop the nightmare of bullying that these kids were experiencing. This is not a movie review; you can get that somewhere else on the net. This is a review of how the problem was handled in the schools where the movie was filmed.
In one of the very first scenes of the movie the assistant principal whose name was Kim was addressing a few kids who just arrived at school that morning. They came to her with a problem that they were having probably on the bus, don’t remember, not sure, doesn’t matter. When she was finished speaking with the students she walked away talking to herself and made a comment that was so telling about schools and society in general. Her comment was “Tell me how to fix this.” I will add one more word myself that wasn’t said; “Quickly.” In other words get me the quick fix.
When I first started out in administration nearly twenty five years ago I did not want one problem brought into my office. Whether it was with a student, a teacher, or a parent, I would at all cost avoid a problem, and a confrontation. A good day? No problems. I knew myself well, or at least I thought I did. If a problem arouse I just wanted it to go away, very similar to the assistant principal in the movie. Soft pedal and just make it through the day. It was not until my second year as an administrator that things started to change. I had a huge confrontation with a parent, and I was balled out, really balled out. I knew it was going to happen, she was one of those parents that you just hated to see coming. My nerves were shot knowing this. Her son was disciplined and in her opinion to harshly. In some way, shape, or form I stuck to my guns and didn’t rescind the consequence. She left in a huff, and I sat back in my chair and asked myself this question; if getting yelled at by a parent is the worse that is going to happen to me today, than what am I afraid of? I took out a composition book and documented the incident. That composition book became what I called “My Life Notebook,” anytime I had a problem going forward, I documented the problem and the steps I took to solve the problem. There are no quick fixes, none. We all need something that I call equity in life. I have defined this as developing the ability to solve a problem for which we don’t have a reference point. In other words we never did it before, but we need to learn how to do it.
School administrators today are pressured even more than I was. They fear many of the same things I did. Why didn’t I want a problem brought into my office? Because I didn’t know how to solve a problem. I believed that I had to please everyone and we all know that is just impossible.
Well we have a problem now, it’s called bullying. It can’t be fixed, not quickly anyway. In schools where anti bullying programs are in place and enforced consistently we reduce bullying incidents by about 50%. All parents want anti bullying rules to be enforced until it’s there kid who is accused of bullying. Then the discussions start and the fear of the confrontation builds to a point that administrators take the path of least resistance. The assistant principal in the movie was so filled with fear and lacked such professional equity that all she could hope for day to day was that the problem would just go away. It’s not going away. If anything it will get worse if schools and society don’t learn how to handle…….the adults. Yes, the adults. Adults are the mess not the kids. The adults produce these kids, and teachers, and school administrators are all adults. Aren’t they? Help me fix this.
Parents who are angry and irate can wreak havoc in a school and can be intimidating. Learn how to defuse power struggles and maintain your dignity, and the dignity of the parent as you handle planned and unplanned parent /teacher conferences.This is a 5 hour self study course. The participants may be eligible for 5 hours of professional development credit.
