by James Burns | Dec 27, 2018 | Burns' Bench
When Art was an adolescent, chats with his mother featured the usual liberal doses of guilt needed to shape socially acceptable behavior.
Art bided his time, counting the days until he would become an adult and could enjoy a relationship with his mom grounded on a level playing field.
At 47, he’s still waiting.
“Our relationship was pretty much, mother-to-son, adult-to-child,” said Art, an Apopka marketing consultant, who asked that his last name not be used. “I drew the line at one point and told her it would be necessary for her to treat me like an adult if she wanted a relationship with me.”
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Bench Notice
I First read this article when it was first published in 1995. At the time I could relate to it. And as I spoke to other adults about the topic they could as well. Now more than 20 years later I found the hard copy of the article buried in some of my old paper work. It’s published online now and I have a whole different slant on the topic. Parenting styles vary for sure; from autocratic to permissive. But when a parent doesn’t grow with their adult children and continues to treat them as children they create an environment of harassment, intimidation, and bullying.
Adult children who can’t escape the fear of their parents opinions, and judgments, fail to grow into adults who are confident and capable. Healthy adult children know how to handle confrontations in a productive manner and they know how to express their concerns while still encouraging constructive suggestions.
Parents can be bullies too, and they may not have grown emotionally because of their own upbringing. The goal is to break the cycle, and still work to maintain a positive adult to adult relationship. Parents need to understand their impact and their roles as their children mature, and adult children need to understand their own fears.
by James Burns | Dec 26, 2018 | Burns' Bench
This Is The Final Installment On Responsibility Taken From Anti Bullying 101
Do you ever watch Crime Seen Investigation? (CSI) I do, occasionally. I am amazed how all the evidence that is collected can point directly at the suspect in question, but they just can’t seem to figure out a motive. They need the motive to convict the person of the crime. We all know what the motive of a bully is right? Power, they want to have power and control over a smaller or weaker person.
How do you change the motive of a bully?
By being the strongest and most influential person in the classroom. That’s right you the teacher have this ability. You don’t need to use power; you need to use your influence. When your students realize that you are in charge their motives change from wanting to hurt, to wanting to help. They have met their match. Remember it is not about the influence of your power, but rather the power of your influence.
Bench Notice
The motive of a person is buried somewhere deep within in their secret life. It’s never revealed until a therapist or someone in the legal field starts to dig for answers as to the reason why some act or crime was committed. Bullies are driven by power as I stated above, victims by revenge.
In knowing this, it should be the job of school personnel, parents, and the community to be aware of those that are being victimized and to do their best to work with them to overcome the trauma of bullying. School shootings are usually carried out with revenge in mind. Let’s do our best to Strengthen the victims, and to hold bullies accountable for their actions.
by James Burns | Dec 24, 2018 | Burns' Bench
Taken From Anti Bullying 101
The sources of the most painful offenses are not usually actions, but attitudes. People who offend others unintentionally are judged with less severity than those who intend to hurt. Even in law, the intent behind a crime is a factor in assessing the guilt of the one who stands before the judge.
This is one area that is the most difficult to change in ourselves or in our students. We ask our students to do things all the time and they should comply with our request. But really, it’s not completely about the compliance but more about the attitude when they comply. Are they resentful and angry and is it like pulling teeth to get them to cooperate with even the smallest task?
Character is truly what a person does when no one is looking. A bully will always act when no one is looking. They will deny their hurtful actions and blame others for their behavior. Begin correcting the attitudes of your students, by doing so you will prepare them for a better future. But, more importantly you will help them to evaluate the intent of their actions.
Bench Notice
The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is a rare ability. Our desire to get what we want when we want it is an attitude that can get us in trouble; either financially, behaviorally, or in terms of our relationship with others. Even adults ask for things and when they don’t get them have a difficult time understanding the word “No” and can go on a rant or just refuse to go away until they change the mind of the person they are arguing with. This has become an inter-generational problem with the intensity increasing with every passing year. It’s time to learn to debate issues with the right attitude, and when i’ts all said and done begin to understand the position of another person. “Seek First To Understand Then To Be Understood.”
by James Burns | Dec 23, 2018 | Burns' Bench
No one likes a bully, and yet they’re everywhere, even in our Christmas movies! But never fear, these misfits end up becoming the heroes of their stories and saving the day!
While it may seem like an odd topic to discuss during the holiday season, Christmas movies provide on opportunity for you to talk about bullying with your children. Why? Many classic holiday movies are full of bullies. Here are a few examples:
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Bench Notice
There is a bit more to the moral than the one mentioned in this article. Yes, bullying isn’t cool, but the victim doesn’t always win in the end. For a young child watching these movies hope can spring eternal until they get back to school and have another run in with the school bully. During the holidays bullying can create greater isolation, exclusion, and loneliness than during other times during the year.
In reality for those that suffer at the hands of a bully the world can be a pretty lonely place, and can be extra painful during the holidays. (Whatever the holiday might be) Reach out as much as you can to give hope to one person and let them know how much they mean to you. There are those that are in physical need for sure, but recognizing the mental and emotional needs of people can help those that are victims begin to realize that the world may not be so lonely after all.
Buy A Gift For A Friend
by James Burns | Dec 17, 2018 | Burns' Bench
Despite widespread institutional efforts, including initiatives on both the federal and local levels, bullying continues to plague schools and even adult environments all over the country. The unfortunate reality is that most bullies aren’t mature enough to empathize with their targets and thus often subject them to traumatic and potentially life-altering harassment. While bullies may be able to walk away and later disregard their past behavior as just them being kids many victims often develop a lifetime of emotional baggage that follows them into their adulthood, including mental illness, low self-esteem and even problems with drugs and alcohol.
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Bench Notice
Although this article may be trying to enlist the services of Behavioral Health of Palm Beach to help with the problem of addiction and bullying, it makes some great points that should be considered as a resource Often adults don’t recognize that the PTSD that they are suffering from is an indication of the past imprint related to bullying. As adults they may be addicted or have job related issues or even relationship or marital problems. As adults they are still working to try and discover themselves and where their moral compass is pointing.
As a school or even as a parent we need to recognize the clinical problems associated with bullying at an early age and the long term effects it can have on a person’s future behavior. Depression, anxiety, and social problems are all signs that their is something kicking around in a person’s thought process that is causing them to draw conclusions (both true and false) about who they are as individuals and how they view themselves in the world in which they live.
Schools need to make the connection between the clinical issues that a student is suffering from, anxiety etc, and the addiction problems that occurs as a result. Treating the addiction as schools do will help, but attacking the root problem is they key. If bullying is occurring in the school a futuristic approach needs to be taken in order to gain a view of the problems that lie ahead for the student. An approach needs to be taken that combines strengthening the victims of bullying, and making a determination if the behavior is conduct related (learned behavior) or clinically related (trauma influenced).
