I like you, but I don’t like your behavior. This little gem came out of the self-esteem movement of the 60’s and 70’s. Certain phrases or philosophies that may have worked 50 years ago may suffer from an over-use injury or are just antiquated. Students who are rude, discourteous, and disrespectful can be difficult to like. Ask yourself this: if you were treated by an adult in the same negative manner as a student treated you, how hard would it be to stand by this statement? Pretty tough. Our students do become adults, who may not be liked because of their behavior. I am not saying that you should tell kids that you don’t like them. What I am saying is that they know all too well that we don’t. Our body language, attitudes, and words are all indicators of how we feel about certain students. Some kids are very tough to get close to, and in reality, to like. Don’t let your thoughts dictate your actions; fake it, bite the bullet, and keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Do whatever it takes to build a relationship with the student who is unlikable and a potential disruptive force in your classroom. Once we come clean with our real emotions, our influence will be greater and we will then begin to facilitate lasting change.
Bench Notice
Just a side note here. Standing to closely to this statement could produce greater acceptance of deviant behavior and a failure to enforce appropriate consequence. Sometimes we use this statement because we are afraid of a kid or the parent who berates the school and the teacher because they’re afraid of their own kid as well. Try to understand your motives when you say” I like you, but I don’t like your behavior.”
The brain is a wonderful organ and it can be programmed by us and by others. The words that people say to us and the things that are done to us can produce a private logic that can either be believed or stricken from our conscious mind as being just or untrue. Your Reticular Activating System (RAS) is the automatic mechanism inside your brain that brings relevant information to your attention. The RAS is a filter between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind.
Let’s say you are sitting in your classroom and in the distance, you hear sirens. Your subconscious mind may say, “Police, fire, first aid.” You are busy concentrating on something else, so your conscious mind focuses on the task at hand. But, then you notice that the sirens were from a fire truck and the truck pulls in front of the school. Your RAS immediately kicks in and those sirens that you heard earlier are now relevant to you. If you start to smell smoke well, now it really has your attention.
A student may come to school with their conscious mind already programmed. They may have let so many negative thoughts in that they may have become part of their belief system. The student may have been bullied at home or punished for small mistakes. Their siblings may have picked on them to the point that his RAS now allows only negative thoughts in. But worse yet, they now believe them. Negative words and treatment are the things that get their attention and they begin to form their self-image. Their thoughts become actions.
Bench Notice
The order of the day is to create a climate in your classroom that is kind, caring, respectful, and responsible. Think about the best teacher you’ve ever had, and how they got your attention. Keep a smile on your face and do your best to provide an equitable distribution of your passion and understanding to all of your students. Maybe we have to realize what gets our attention and how good it feels when a smile comes our way.
This video illustrates a technique called fogging. It is widely used by teachers to help defuse power struggles with difficult students. It is used here to demonstrate how to help a victim develop resilience, and confidence. This technique should be taught to all children to help them have healthy confrontations and as a means to have productive conflicts.
Encroachment. That’s a football term, right? One team is offside and the referee throws the flag for a five yard penalty. That may be true, but in the world of bullying and relationships, it also has dramatic meaning, with penalties and consequences as well. Here is the definition: to take another’s possessions or rights gradually or stealthily, or to advance beyond proper or former limits.
I have spoken about boundaries and limits before and how young children need to learn how to say, “Stop. Knock it off,” and slowly develop the courage to throw the flag and make the bully aware that they encroached on their space. As kids grow older, they enter into another world that involves boy/girl relationships and where problems with dating often occur. Our children need to learn at an early age that just because they like or are attracted to someone of the opposite/same sex, it doesn’t mean that they like or are attracted to them. A relationship between two parties grows out of a quality friendship first. For anyone to try and shoehorn themselves into a relationship that is unwanted is harassment, intimidation, and bullying. Teach your students now to throw the red flag if they believe someone is trying to encroach on their space.
Bench Notice
An adolescent boy or girl can have a tough time trying to figure themselves out. Doubts about their looks, body type, and academic and physical abilities can start to creep in once they enter middle school. Those who want to fit in but who feel awkward around those of the opposite sex can easily be taken advantage of by their peers. A young girl may share what boy she is interested in only to find the information spread all over the school. A boy may not share the his thoughts about the opposite sex but suffer inwardly because there is a girl that interests him. This can also be a problem in school for those in the LGBT community as they are plagued by thoughts of someone of the same sex, and fear the reaction of his/her classmates.
Adolescent students today need to be guided by adults who understand their situation and don’t see it as just a part of growing up. Recognize relationship issues in school and with your own children and do what you can to have a discussion that focuses more on their character and inward beauty rather than on their looks or abilities.
Parents who are angry and irate can wreak havoc in a school and can be intimidating. Learn how to defuse power struggles and maintain your dignity, and the dignity of the parent as you handle planned and unplanned parent /teacher conferences.This is a 5 hour self study course. The participants may be eligible for 5 hours of professional development credit.
