by James Burns | Dec 15, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Disrespect is really a symptom of a deeper problem going on within the mind of a child. Anger or guilt is at the root. Often teachers are not even aware that the child is angry but notice a change in their attitude, and are not sure where it is coming from.
Rules and regulations and compassion and understanding are critical for a successful classroom to run as well as for a successful relationship to develop between students and teachers. Anytime there is an imbalance between the two, disrespect will occur. We may think that we are doing a student a favor by letting him get away with certain behavior, too much mercy however will result in a disrespectful attitude. Autocracy will also result in a problem because the student will constantly be wrestling with what he has to do to please you. It is critical to balance the two and use as much authority and influence as needed.
Some suggestions for developing a classroom of respect and kindness are listed below. They are all relationship based and encourage positive interaction between students and teachers.
PRAISE – Begin a praise day and have all students write down something they like about another person in the class. It could start, “The nicest thing about you is” and have the students finish the paragraph. This encourages respect amongst students and makes it the norm in your classroom. One student gets a turn everyday. The teacher becomes quality control and filters out any negative comments. One student a day leaves with a folder of nice comments made about them.
Of course teachers should use praise as a tool for motivation. Remember to praise character not achievement.
KEEP PROMISES – Students will wrap their life around promises you make to them. Make them very sparingly and very carefully. Consider all the variables and make sure you can control them. Don’t tell students they can bring candy to school for Halloween and then find out administration doesn’t allow it. Make promises and keep them.
SINCERITY AND HONESTY – Students can pick out a phony a mile away. Be sincere with your concerns and student abilities.
SAY HELLO – Say hello to all students. This encourages communication and helps to break down any walls between you and the student and helps build a positive relationship.
CALL BY NAME – NO NICKNAMES OR DEROGATORY REMARKS Don’t fall into the trap of calling students a name that their friends call them. Remember “Leave it to Beaver” his teacher did not call him Beaver she called him Theodore.
AFFECTION – Because of the fear of touching teachers have shied away from touching their students. We are not talking here about inappropriateness but rather a hand on the shoulder, a high five, or a pat on the back. This not only affirms but also makes the student feel that you recognize and are aware of them.
LISTENING – There are five types of listening, ignoring, pretend listening, selective listening, attentive listening and finally empathic listening. We all want to be empathic listeners. This is when we listen with our body posture and our eyes. We reflect back content and feeling. We don’t offer any advice but rather use listening as a means of strengthening the relationship. We want avoid reading our own autobiography into the conversation.
2-3-4-5 X 10 – Every day for ten days straight have a 2-3-4 or 5 minute conversation with one of your students just like you would with a good friend. Have several of these going on everyday. Around day eight the students will look to you for the conversation and develop a greater sense for you as a person.
LITTLE COURTESIES – The little things are the big things. Model.
by James Burns | Dec 11, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Opinion is opinion and we all have one. What forms these opinions is another story. Sometimes they are formed and almost appear to be judgment on a group or a method, or a habit or just an overall dislike for a person or an idea. These opinions are not based upon facts, but rather a compilation of thoughts that have been infused in us from our parents, teachers, or even the media. There is another form of opinion that is not spoken about much but it does exist, and that’s experiential opinion. The interesting thing is that this opinion can be as good if not better than empirical research.
A few years back I had published “The New 3Rs in Education: Respect, Responsibility, and Relationships.” This writing was based upon the experiences that I had as a teacher and as an administrator. It was written not only to declare war on the overall discipline problems that teachers experience in schools, but as a way of saying thank you, I feel your pain, and support you. It was highly critical of the excuses that are used for student behaviors today and how students now have the ability to hide behind a label. Too often labels such as ADHD and ODD are thrown around and often a parent is relieved that a condition exists so the condition can be blamed for the child’s behavior and not their poor parenting. In these instances I am referring to students who have behavioral problems with disrespect and irresponsibility being routine to their day. Did I do any research? Of course I did. Did I use my past experiences as method of compiling information, absolutely. Does everyone like my conclusions? Not at all. But the question that needs to be asked is; are they valid? You can be the judge of that based upon of course your own opinion. I have been called a genius for drawing some of my conclusions, and of course more recently uneducated, and unprofessional with no idea what I am talking about.
I say what no one else will, but I will tell you; even though many won’t say it, they are thinking it. They are grateful that someone is providing a voice for them and can see the problems they face from their point of view. Teachers’ today fear for their jobs. They worry about voicing an opinion, and are concerned about always being politically correct. If they speak up they could easily be hauled into the principal’s office for a reprimand and if they are non tenured possibly fired. Those in the health care industry believe I am being too hard on kids, and parents. My apologies. Every problem can’t be solved with therapy, any more than ADHD can be cured with medication. It takes a balanced approach of the two. Opinion? Maybe, take a look at the condition of education and the world today and decide if we don’t need to make a change.
I think it only fair to let you read some of the reviews written about the book so you can make a decision whether or not to buy it. The majority of them are very positive with a clunker thrown in. You can read the clunker at amazon.com if you like.
A Must read for Teachers Today!,
It’s about time someone has written a book that really addresses the problems we teachers face today. Thank goodness Mr. Burns has had the guts to tell it like it is. His easy to read book will entertain you and give you some great ideas about how you can improve your effectiveness as a teacher and even as a parent. What a refreshing change!
Truly Profound Profoundly True
This little gem helps us remember what we as a society need to be reminded of. kids thrive on structure. of course, I have oversimplified, so read this life changing book to get the whole picture. it is so readable, and very entertaining, just full of homespun wisdom and anecdotes that had me shaking my head in rueful agreement with Mr. Burns’ point of view. so, basically, I say, do not miss this book!
Motivational
I came away with renewed energy and optimism for dealing with behavioral problems in the classroom. This book is definitely an eye opener to both parents and educators. I appreciate Mr. Burns’ candor and recommend this book to help anyone dealing with behavioral difficulties.
The Truth Doesn’t Hurt At All
This book is a must read for teachers, parents, and grandparents! Finally, practical strategies to help answer the question, where has all the respect gone? Jim Burns is an educator who leads by example. His experiences with family and students are effortlessly spun into an entertaining, informative, easy, and must read for all! I admire his honesty without all the fluff and his unique ability to bring the swinging pendulum that governs our ever-changing philosophies in dealing with children back to reality. Finally a practical approach to teaching kids! Thanks Mr. Burns!
For many legitimate reasons, teachers often become hyper-sensitive and adopt a martyr complex which distorts their judgement. They work in a culture which is top down and garnished with hypocracy. Mr. Burns speaks with a matter of fact voice and attempts to trump political correctness and present a case for common sense and a system which teaches consequential thinking and recognizes that there are many reasons for behavior but there are no excuses. He cautions that creating labels for people to hide behind to excuse their behavior is dangerous. Mr. Burns is not denying the special needs of many students but would rather address these problems without labels or drugs as much is possible. Rules and regulations with compassion and understanding will better serve our children with a sense of balance than overreaction and hearing only what we want to hear.
To purchase the book click on it on the right
by James Burns | Nov 6, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Many years ago I had a friend whose son was getting ready to go off to his freshman year of college. We drove him up to Dartmouth. Her intention was to stay up there for three days to help him with the adjustment and get settled. During the five hour car ride there, he kept insisting that we leave after we dropped him off. We told him that we were definitely staying over for at least one night. After we moved him in we took him to dinner and walked around the campus with him. I watched his body language and I realized that even though he had protested in the car for five hours, he was glad we stayed. This story is not unique. Parents today have a terrible time when their children leave home. That’s because they know deep down that they haven’t done enough to prepare their children for independence. Children today are not given enough basic responsibilities when they are young and aren’t prepared for being responsible for all that lies ahead in their lives. These children haven’t learned enough about survival in the dog eat dog world. They are emotionally immature. Emotionally mature people have certain characteristics that make it easy to recognize them. What are these characteristics and what does an emotionally mature person look like?
Let’s start with one for today – Honesty
Emotionally Mature People are Honest
John Bradshaw, the adult child of alcoholic guru, made this very telling comment about the truth. “Telling the truth prevents future pain.” So why doesn’t everyone tell the truth? The answer is very simple. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional maturity to speak the truth. Often the truth can lead to a confrontation which is something a person who is emotionally immature just can’t deal with.
Larry, a dear friend of mine, who unfortunately has passed away, watched me with my daughter one day. Anytime she did or said something that was wrong, I would have a huge reaction and start to yell at her about her behavior. Larry just kept observing this. Finally he said to me, “Jim, by reacting the way you do, all you’re doing is grooming your daughter to be a good liar.” I finally understood what he meant when my daughter started to bend the truth a little. I would ask her a question and she would poke around verbally to try to find out what I wanted to hear. She did this to prevent my reaction. Emotionally mature people can speak the truth without fear of a reaction from another person, and can handle the truth when it is spoken to them. In this country, we are very accustomed to dishonesty, and everyone seems to lie, withhold information, or embellish a story just to make themselves look good in the eyes of others.
One of our most popular presidents was most definitely an emotionally immature liar. In 1998, we watched as President Bill Clinton constantly denied his relationship with Monica Lewinsky. Why? Maybe he had a fear of an entire country and, of course, his wife Hilary’s reaction. When President Clinton continued to deny his affair, things only got worse for him as other women come flying out of the closet pronouncing that they also had affairs with the president as well. Clinton was also an expert in finding out what people wanted to hear and then he would tell them exactly what they wanted. People often joked that he always agreed with the last person that he spoke with. As a society we are so accustommed to untruth, and half truths that Clinton was forgiven for his behavior and he remains very popular in the eyes of many and his deviance admired.
Lying, conning, and withholding may prevent confrontations and reactions temporarily. But, permanent help only comes when the truth is spoken. Emotional maturity starts with being honest with ourselves and with others. It truly does set us free.
Respect
Emotionally Mature People Are Respectful
People who are emotionally mature are respectful. They don’t live and die by the saying…I’ll give respect when I get respect. They are respectful to everyone regardless of how they are treated. They have an appreciation for the rights and privileges of another person and therefore can accept differences of opinions gracefully. Emotionally mature people have a built- in set of values that won’t allow them to use their words or actions to be disrespectful to anyone. They enjoy other people’s successes and are ready to offer praise to others for their accomplishments. Emotionally mature people know how to respond to authority and know how to work with their employers regardless of whether or not they like or agree with their boss.
Responsibility
Emotionally Mature People Are Responsible
Emotionally mature people have the ability to accept responsibility for their own actions. They don’t look for excuses for their behavior. There may be reasons or circumstances why emotionally mature people act in an irresponsible way but they don’t waste time making all kinds of excuses. Emotionally mature people don’t feel victimized by circumstances or other people. Even when circumstances or events are difficult, they deal with them without resorting to blaming others. They realize that they were influenced by these circumstances and not determined, and at any point they can change their response to the influence.
In life, people can be dealt a bad hand in many different areas. They may have inherited a family disease; their parents may have been very poor or divorced maybe even alcoholics. The list could go on and on. It becomes the responsibility of the individual to overcome difficult circumstances that were not really the fault of that person. Typically, emotionally irresponsible people spend their entire lives blaming others for their problems. When they do this, they remain irresponsible and do not believe that they need to attempt to help themselves. A person who is irresponsible can blame others for so long that the hole he or she is in gets deeper and deeper.
Compliance
Emotionally Mature People Are Compliant
What does it mean to be compliant? Most people would say it means that you do what you’re told when you’re told to do it. That’s about right, but not quite. Emotionally mature people have the ability to do what they’re told, when they’re told to do it, with a good attitude. One of the first signs of maturity in a child is when they have the ability to cooperate even when they disagree. When they do disagree, they do it with the right attitude. Another lost principle. Compliance
by James Burns | Nov 4, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Going to a Catholic grammar school for nine years had its benefits. We had to wear uniforms so there wasn’t any clothes competition. We went to church all the time so we got some formal spiritual training. You couldn’t even think of using profanity because you thought the nuns read your mind and would find out what you were thinking. We learned good penmanship. We were respectful, compliant, and responsible. The crazy thing is no one gave me a choice in any of these areas I was forced to do them. It wasn’t like the nun said to me you can go to church if you like or why don’t you try to hold your pencil this way or is that the way to speak to someone? If I didn’t do it the way it was supposed to be done, my blood stains would be on the floor.
As I look back at this experience, the one thing that I realize is that this type of education taught me something that no one talks about today and that’s self-control. The majority of the problems that a person faces in their life are related to a lack of self-control. Everybody either eats too much, drinks too much, spends too much, can’t control their temper, lusts after things that they can’t have like someone else’s spouse, and develops habits that they can’t break that could kill them or someone else like smoking or driving too fast.
Now why does all this happen? Well, I never remember my parents or any teacher in my life saying to me the choice is yours: You can smoke or not. You can lose your temper or not. You can overeat or not. Self-control is taught. If I did something that exhibited a lack of self-control, I got grabbed by someone and got reamed out or in the worst case scenario got clobbered. I was taught to wait on line, raise my hand, take my time, practice until I got it right, memorize, and I got drilled on skills that everyone knew were necessary for life long success. Look, musicians practice endless hours to perform a single piece of music. Students study instead of watch TV. Athletes devote years of their lives to prepare for an Olympic event that may last only a few minutes. The concepts of self-control, delayed gratification and discipline seem so counter to our cultural values. We use our credit cards because we want things right away. We become impatient if we wait more than a few moments at a drive-through at McDonalds. We eat ourselves into obesity and poor health because it feels good, with little consideration of the long-term consequences.
Self-control should be graded in school and looked at as a quality necessary for success as an adult. If you or someone you know is having trouble with self-control I have a good friend named Sister Houlihan who still thinks self-control is important. She is 4 feet 8 inches tall and she can still make a grown man hold his pencil the right way!
Laura Branigan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJibuZxs3Xg
by James Burns | Nov 1, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Parents need to teach their kids everything. There are no assumptions in this world; None. Society has lost it’s focus and believes that children will learn about money, friendships, relationships, and marriage on their own. We are so caught up telling our kids what not to do that we have forgotten that we have to teach our kids what to do. Read on. Oh, will this stop bullying behavior? You bet it will.
During the course of the last 40 years society has become very myopic and lost a great deal of its wisdom. Wisdom is a very dynamic word and can be used in many ways. The definition of wisdom is the accumulation of philosophic or scientific learning. The definition also includes the ability to discern inner qualities and the ability to use good judgment. Wisdom is also knowledge, good sense, wise attitude or course of action. In terms of relationships wisdom can be defined as having the ability to see life from another person’s perspective. A person learns wisdom first and foremost from watching and listening to the instruction of his/her parents. With the understanding that their parents are wise and have the ability to impart their knowledge to their children.
I can not say that I truly have wisdom. One area of one’s life that indicates wisdom is financial stability. As I am writing this essay I am mortgaged to the hilt and have a variety of other debt. I have spent more than I make and have bought things that I didn’t need. Sometimes I have to go through my couch to look for coffee money. I am past due on some bills, and did I mention that the holidays are just around the corner. I have used band-aids to deal with my finances and had some temporary relief, but never have been able to achieve financial stability. I have been married twice, and divorced twice. I have two children who I love that need to be provided for. My oldest daughter is in college and will be going to Italy in January; need I say more. My younger daughter is in high school is not far behind, and she will also be going to college in a few years, and well, the debts are high and the funds are low. I asked myself, how could this happen to me? The answer rang very true in my head, Jim you have not been very wise in certain areas.
My parents never struggled financially the way that I do. They didn’t have debts they couldn’t pay or live in a house that was over their heads. They stayed married even though they may not have been too happy with each other. Why did I not learn wisdom from my parents?
When my dad died he didn’t have any life insurance at all. My mom was not left destitute, she had money, but there wasn’t this lump sum of cash on its way from an insurance company. One day my mom was cleaning out my dad’s things, and found an old shoe box in the back of the bedroom closet. She opened the box and found $30,000 in cash. My dad had the wisdom to stash money away so my mom was taken care of when he died. We always thought he was cheap, but he wasn’t. In his own methodical way he saved money for the future. On the other hand, I never learned how to save money, and I am realizing now just how fast thirty years can go by. My mom and dad always had trouble in their marriage. He was a drinker and my mom had all types of problems managing his unruly behavior. Nonetheless they both had the wisdom to realize that they were worth more together than they could ever be worth apart. They remained married for thirty five years. I on the other hand have been married twice and never recognized the benefits of remaining married. The reality of it all is I observed wise behavior but was never learned how to be wise.
These are not only a problems that I have been dealing with, I believe that it is pervasive in society. Some people call it street smarts, I call it wisdom. During the last 50 years, it seems as if people have either lost their wisdom or never developed it in the first place. I know this because I am not the only one in this situation. I have observed this problem affecting people much younger than I. So many people today have never been taught how to handle money, and they don’t realize that money is for many other things than for just spending. Too many people have gotten married and gotten divorced just as fast, and it doesn’t seem to matter if there are children involved or not.
Why did our parents stand the test of time 50 years ago and stay married, and manage money so well? Why have the last 3 generations suffered so much financial difficulty, and been involved in one divorce after another? We observed our parents being financially responsible, and we observed our parents remaining married. The problem is we observed, but we never learned. It’s almost like watching a car mechanic fix a car, but never learning how to fix it ourselves. Wisdom, wise decisions, wise behavior, needs to be learned. We needed to know why our parent’s did what they did and we needed to be shown how to do it.
If society is going to develop the wisdom, common sense, or street smarts it has to start with grooming the kids of today and giving them the instruction they need to deal with money and relationships. When you get right down to it there really isn’t much else left. The challenge is great because parental role models are not as wise today as they were in days past. Parents can’t be asking their children what they want to be when they grow up, they have to taught the best career choices and then pointed in that direction. Parents have to teach their children how to handle money at a young age and show them how to save and invest for the future. Parents have to stop thinking that they don’t have a say in terms of who their children choose as a marriage partner. They have to speak up; if they believe that who their son or daughter is dating is not good for them they need to instruct them about the qualities they believe are important in a life partner. Society believes after a certain point that kids know what they are doing and they’ll be fine. Parents don’t want to interfere. They don’t want to ram something down their kid’s throats. If parents don’t ram something down their kid’s throats some else will. If society is going to become wise again, it will have to spend more time teaching, and less time watching. We can start to teach are kids now when they’re young, or wring our hands as they get older and wonder where we went wrong.
Words of Wisdom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLxkz8gkW1A&feature=fvst
by James Burns | Oct 31, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
I was driving in my car one day and was staring at the five bumper stickers that were on the car in front of me. One of the bumper stickers made a lot of sense, it said, “If you can read this thank a teacher.” I never had to be reminded of this when I was a kid, I always thanked my teachers but, more importantly I respected my teachers. I didn’t have a choice I had to be respectful, I didn’t even think twice. I found out very early on as a student that before I had a chance to be successful academically I had to stay in my seat, not talk back, and do what I was told when I was told to do it. I realized that if I made any attempt to complain about my teachers my parents weren’t hearing it which really benefited me as a student. Today if a kid goes home and starts to complain about his teacher, instead of the parents saying do what you’re told, they can almost begin to complain right along with their kid planting seeds of disrespect in the child’s head that ultimately will interfere with the child’s academic success. Kids who sense a division of authority between their parents and the school go to school everyday with a poor attitude, and are being programmed for a lifetime of educational as well as employment related problems.
As a teacher and administrator myself I have watched the decline of respect in education today. It’s almost as if society wants to muzzle the teacher from saying what needs to be said to a student that will help the student improve academically. Teachers have to measure every word and if constructive suggestion is offered to a student by a teacher it is viewed by the student and his parents as an insult that is going to damage the kids’ self-esteem for a lifetime.
As a high school student I was no different than any other kid in school and I tried to get away with as much as possible and always looked to cut corners academically. I was a freshman in high school and I turned in a history assignment to my social studies teacher. This was an assignment that was assigned two weeks prior. I worked on it the night before it was due. Within a day or two the teacher handed the assignment back to the class. My assignment was not returned but, he asked to see me after class. I met with him and he said to me, “What is this, is this all you are capable of, Jimmy you can’t b— s—- a b—- s——.” I was shocked and embarrassed, and hung my head. Finally I looked at him and said, “Can I do it over?” He said, “Can you? Are you capable of better work?” I worked on it again with his help and turned it in again and received a B for the assignment. I developed a tremendous relationship with this teacher, and respected him because he didn’t feel as if he had to measure his words. I had a high regard for this man’s opinion, and didn’t even think twice about trying this again.
Unfortunately if a teacher tries to do this today, the kid usually goes home, tell his parents and a meeting is arranged to question or berate the teacher. The sad part is that this allowed to go on, and it is very common place in education and in society today. Schools today are constantly on the hot seat to improve test scores, reduce the drop out rate, and to be in compliance with federally mandated programs that provide government funds. Everyday on the news deviant behavior is reported in schools with bullying and school shootings almost becoming common place. Society wants to level the ground, and create an environment where no one is in charge and authority figures can’t even offer constructive suggestion to students and employees to help improve their performance, and are muzzled by the same systems that judge their abilities. The only way students will be successful academically is when everyone involved in the educational process learns to respect the human delivery system, the teacher.
Aretha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0
