by James Burns | Dec 6, 2018 | Burns' Bench
December 7, 2018 by
Paulo Coelho
The most destructive of weapons is not the spear or the siege cannon, which can wound a body and demolish a wall. The most terrible of all weapons is the word, which can ruin a life without leaving a trace of blood, and whose wounds never heal.
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Love Paulo Coelho. What he writes always seem to make sense. Kids today don’t get this basic principle that words can damage a person’s mental and emotional state, and can almost lead to the victim feeling lost and alone in a world with ten billion inhabitants. Freedom of speech is the cry. Well Freedom of speech may be the hobby horse of our youth today,but they are not aware where all that freedom is going to take them in the future. I wrote about this several years ago in my book Anti Bullying 101. Today kids say what they want constantly with the use of text messaging and social media. They have lost their ability to think and have allowed their impulses to take over causing pain, and anxiety to those they choose to hurt.
Bench Notice
I can say what I want to say when I want to say it. I guess that’s true. I will add one additional line; with a consequence. Let’s face it you can’t scream fire in Macy’s, well unless there’s a fire. If not you will probably get arrested. Freedom of speech is not the freedom to say what you want, but the wisdom to say what you ought. Chasten a student about his/her language or negative attitude when he talks to someone and his response will probably be “I don’t care.” Rest assured they will. Get him/her to break this bad habit now or one day it will cost them their job, or maybe a marriage.
Words need to be fitly spoken; even the truth needs to be delivered in a kind caring way with the desire to help, not to hurt. Only a fool will utter his whole mind, burning bridges and leaving once positive relationships in a wake of turmoil and pain. Teach your students to say what is on their mind with the right attitude and the right motive. You will be improving the school climate and gearing them for life long success as adults.
by James Burns | Dec 6, 2018 | Burns' Bench
Trying to explain to a child or even at times an adult the reason whys or why not’s that are related to certain behaviors can at times can be frustrating and with our own children can be frightening. Don’t drink and drive, don’t smoke; watch who you pick as a friend or who you date are all things that teachers and parents communicate to their students and their children. In school kids are always asking why we have to do something, or learn certain academic skills. Bullying behavior can have a lasting effect on those who experience social, emotional, or physical abuse at the hands of a bully.
Why don’t kids and bullies in particular heed the warning of adults and just listen and stop saying and doing things that are just downright cruel? The reason; many of our children today were never taught to obey so they don’t have a vision in terms of the long range consequence for what they do and often what they say; and often times just don’t care. Consequences I might add that could cost them as an adult. Remember all we are looking for is a kid to do what he is told, when he is told to do it.
Three military men were walking across the huge flight deck of an aircraft carrier. Suddenly, a commanding officer yelled out to them, “Drop!” Two of the men immediately fell on the deck. The third man turned around to see what was happening and was instantly killed by an incoming airplane. All three men heard the same word; however, only two of them understood what they heard and obeyed the command. Recognizing and immediately obeying the voice of the commanding officer proved to be a matter of life and death for these men. Help your students understand that there does not have to be a reason right now why they have to just do what they are told. Hopefully the bully will change before his life is effected, or worse yet the life of someone else.
Bench Notice
Over the course of the last 20 years we have been warning kids relentlessly about their attitudes and behavior, now many of them have become adults. What are we seeing? A high crime rate, adults with poor employment and job related skills, divorced parents and adults at forty years of age sitting home with mom playing video games. “It is easier to build a boy then to mend a man.” Gandhi.
As a society we need to start building the future from the ground up. It’s far easier to build a house then to put on an addition. We can’t give up nor can we continue to go down the path of mediocrity when it comes down to student behavior, bullying, disrespect, and irresponsibility. The word awesome has been used so much that kids actually believe that they are awesome at six years old. Imagine, thinking that you have arrived at the age of six. Let’s get more realistic with our children and students’s and really take the time to help them develop skills that will provide them with a chance at lifetime success. Stop the madness.
by James Burns | Dec 6, 2018 | Burns' Bench
Asking a student questions is a good thing. It gives you as the teacher an idea of the student’s knowledge base, and at the high school level what his/her views might be on different topics. So questions are good unless you are asking for something that has an obvious answer. Then you are not asking questions you are telling the student to do something and giving him/her a command. Often we can fall into the trap of asking somewhere, when, and why questions to students. Things like; “Why are you late? Where is your pencil? Or, when are you going to sit down, either don’t matter or require a consequence for being tardy, unprepared, or non-compliant. It can be as innocent as stating “We are going to do math now, okay.” When we should be saying, “Take out your math book and turn to page…” Bullies love to do what they want when they want to. So, for the obvious stop asking and start telling.
Notice From The Bench
We are slowly relinquishing our authority. That’s Right. It’s time to regain some of the surrendered ground we have given up as teachers to choices and fear of parental repercussions. Parents too need to realize that their children need to see someone in charge and they are not the one’s making the decisions. When will we as a society understand that a child of five years old doesn’t need a choice they need leadership. They need to be told not asked. When this happens respect will return for authority figures.
by James Burns | Dec 6, 2018 | Burns' Bench
Obedience Has Become A Dirty Word
I had to change my vocabulary. I used to say that kids needed to be obedient; now I use the word compliance. Teachers didn’t like it, thought it was too much like dog training. I mean we expect dogs to obey right, well mine doesn’t but that’s another story. So I watered it down, comply sounds better than obey. I compromised myself. I know they mean the same thing right? Wrong. What is the definition of obedience………….Anybody? Let me help you out. Obedience: Doing what you are told, when you are told to do it, with a good attitude. Our students can comply in many ways but still lack the correct attitude and timing. Ask one of your students’ to sit down and determine if he sat down on his terms or yours. How long did it take him/her to get into his seat? Oh, he complied but when and how is still the question. Compliance can also be very temporary. Obedience is very permanent. I don’t have to keep asking; wouldn’t it be nice to ask a kid to do something, and have him/her just do it? Bullies comply all the time, but in a very temporary way. Permanence comes when our demands are met when we make them and when the student has the right attitude. I left the NJ Turnpike one day and saw a sign that said, “You have left the NJ Turnpike Obey Local Speed Laws.” I guess obedience is not such a dirty word after all.
Notice From The Bench
We live in a world right now where if someone doesn’t agree with a request they don’t have to comply. This has come out of the idea that compliance is relative to a person’s attitude at the time of the request. Arguments and fights break out because situations are viewed differently by two different parties. Take a look; politics, sports, families, friends, and relatives. It is okay to have a difference of opinion but when requests are made that require compliance we all have to be aware that someone is in charge. Our student’s don’t get this, and they have become adults who don’t get it as well. In order to create a safer world we all have to abide by rules and procedures, if not chaos will take over. Discipline means to teach and when students become unteachable and do and say what they want when they want to they will leave a wake of broken relationships, job related problems and lack the skills to have a civilized discussion.
by James Burns | Dec 6, 2018 | Burns' Bench
We Wander In The Gray Abyss
I guess everyone has reasons for doing or saying certain things and behaving in ways that are hurtful, disrespectful, irresponsible and just down right inappropriate. Understanding these reasons help us as teachers set reasonable expectations for our students. The problems begin when these reasons become excuses. When student behaviors such as disrespect and emotional cruelty are attributed to poor genetics, or environmental short comings are left uncorrected, by default we communicate to the student that we agree with the behavior. Disrespect is not a condition it is a learned behavior, and students must be held accountable for their actions. Bullying should never be justified or excused because of poor genetics or negative environmental influences. Respect can always be taught with the imposition of the right consequences. Always let your students know that BULLYING IS WRONG AND IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!
Notice From The Bench
If behaviors like disrespect and irresponsibility are allowed to continue without any consequences they will morph into other more intense behaviors and will begin at an earlier age. Some children today already know how to give the finger, use profanity, and defy authority at the age of five years old. We can blame circumstance if we want, and there may be many reasons for certain behaviors when we excuse them the child is set up for a lifetime of misery and failure. Everyone knows where we are right now. It took us 20 years to get here. Where do we want to be at the end of the next 20 years?
by James Burns | Dec 6, 2018 | Burns' Bench
Burns’ Bench
I have been working as a teacher, administrator, college instructor and consultant for nearly 42 years. During this time I have seen it all; the escalation of disrespect, blatant irresponsibility and absolute continued willful disobedience. I can remember sometime immediately after the Columbine High School Shootings in 1999 when I was still working as a school administrator saying that as long as bullying exists there is going to be angry kids who have to seek revenge on someone, group, or institution. I then cautioned that this type of horror might soon find its way onto college campuses and then other social venues as well. Well tragically it did.
I ended up leaving administration in 2004 and began public speaking encouraging school to treat disrespect seriously and to hold kids accountable in a real way for irresponsibility and non-compliance. Stop compromising and really take a look at creating consequential thinking in our students and children. As the years went by more changes occurred; metal detectors in school, greater incidence of violence, bullying increased, teenage suicide went up, cyber-bullying became the new hobby horse as we entered the communication age, and basically the wheels began to fall off in terms of discipline and consequence.
As I spoke about what needed to be done it became more and more difficult to impose consequences because of the intergenerational tendencies of angry and irate parents and the pressure that they put on teachers and administration. Some schools as we speak don’t even allow their students to serve a detention for tardiness to class. When I presented my thoughts on all of the above at conferences and in-services the response was:
What the hell, are you kidding me, we can’t do that!
I have written books on topics like bullying, power struggles, lying, respect, responsibility, relationships, gossip, and strengthening the victims of bullying. I have co-designed The Bully Proof Classroom a graduate course which is taught at two different colleges and is part of a master’s program. I have consulted, blogged about it, and have over 70 products that address the issues.
The purpose of Burns’ Bench is to help provide solutions to problems that teachers face every day. But, do go on notice that some solutions are extremely tough and are not quick fixes. Rather an approach that over the long haul will provide permanent help, not temporary relief.
I am revisiting Anti Bulling 101 to start and will be presenting problems and suggestion. We all own these problems but right now they are on my bench and I to really want to dig in and take a look at them, so the issues that we now face in education won’t continue to escalate for years to come. Check back every morning for updates from Burns’ Bench.
