Like it or not we will all become in some way like our parents. As time has past I have come to realize this more and more in my own life. I have grown to have a deeper appreciation for my own parents over the years. My father has been dead for almost 35 years, but I see him in me more now than ever. I had to post this song by Neil Young. About bullying? Not at all. Just something to remind us of where we are and where we have come from.
On April 4, 2011Bryan Stow a married father of two went to Dodger Stadium to enjoy the opening day of the baseball season with two of his friends. Unfortunately, Stow and his friends did anything but enjoy the game. They were taunted and threatened by two men during the game, and attacked outside the stadium in the parking lot. Two of Stow’s friends got away but the assailants caught up with him, struck him on the back of the head knocking him to the ground and then kicked him senseless. Both assailants fled in a four door sedan driven by a woman. The event was all over the news and the assailants were eventually caught. Stow had to be placed in a medically induced coma because of the brain damaged he suffered from the attack.
Why were these men taunted, threatened, and then attacked? The answer, they were all wearing Giant’s jerseys. They were Giant fans at a Dodger game. I guess you can’t wear your teams’ jersey to a game without the fear of being attacked by the fans of a rival team. At least that is what Paul O’Neil, the part time broadcaster on the YES network for the Yankees says. This past Sunday (September 4, 2011) the Yankees were playing the Toronto Blue Jays. I was flipping back and forth watching both the Mets and the Yankees. Between innings, the camera panned into the stands revealing a fan wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey. O’Neil seeing this commented, “It takes a lot of nerve right there wearing a Red Sox Jersey to Yankee Stadium. There not even playing the Red Sox.” After what happened at Dodger Stadium in April I was stunned. So stunned I had to watch the encore presentation of the game to be sure I heard what I heard. Unfortunately what I heard was accurate.
O’Neil, a long time player for the Yankees was always known for his hot head. If he got called out on strikes, or didn’t get a hit in a clutch situation the camera would pan into the dugout to find him reacting in some type of immature rant or worse case scenario taking his bat and smashing it into a Gatorade cooler. When the pitcher for the Blue Jays Bret Cecil was taken out of the game after giving up a homerun, the camera caught him in the dugout smashing equipment. O’Neil seeing this said on the air, “Don’t stop there, there is a few more things that you can throw.” O Neil’s fans may have viewed him as a role model for his grit and determination; I view him as a bully because of how he uses his position to instill fear and intimidation. As an announcer he put the entire country on notice; don’t wear an opposing team’s jersey to a Yankee game or you might end up like Bryan Stow. As a player, call me out on strikes and the dugout will look like Beirut. He is no longer a player, and the truth be told he was mediocre at best on any other team but the Yankees. That’s why the Cincinnati Reds gave him away for Roberto Kelly. Maybe the Reds got fed up with his immature antics and saw him as a poor example for their young fans. Bravo.
O’Neil needs to be called out by the YES network and Major League Baseball. It is comments like the one he made that contribute to a pervasive attitude which tells our youth to draw lines in the sand, and bully and intimidate any person with a different view or in this case a different team. Players and announcers have the ability to influence our young people in a variety of ways and have the responsibility of making sure that their influence is a positive one. Even the great Mickey Mantle commented after his liver transplant what a poor role model he was and pleaded with young people not to be like him. O’Neil doesn’t have the courage to emulate Mr. Mantle. He is too prideful and too arrogant.
A student is accused of posing as a girl on Facebook, tricking at least 31 male classmates into sending him naked photos of themselves and then blackmailing some for sex acts. Anthony Stancl, 18, of New Berlin, west of Milwaukee, was charged with five counts of child enticement, two counts of second-degree sexual assault of a child, two counts of third-degree sexual assault, possession of child pornography, repeated sexual assault of the same child and making a bomb threat. A survey of 1,280 teenagers (users age 13-19) and young adults (age 20-26) conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com has revealed that one out of five (20 percent) teens overall have posted nude photos or video of themselves on the Internet-that number goes up to a third when young adults are included. While 71 percent of teen girls and 67 percent of teen guys who have sent these photos say they’ve sent them to a boyfriend or girlfriend, 15 percent overall said they’ve sent nude photos to people they only “knew” online. For women, that percentage stays the same when they turn into young adults, although the percentage of young adult men goes up to 23 percent.
This is just another example of what society developed for good, deviant minds have used for criminal, and immoral purposes. What is the problem? Is it to difficult for individuals to enjoy the tools of convenience without trying to figure out how to use it to satisfy their own immoral appetites? I believe that speed and the lack of impulse control plays a big part in why these acts occur on a regular basis today. The speed of text messaging, and sending emails and pictures from a cell phone, combined with the poor impulse control on the part of deviant individuals creates an environment where people can say and send anything they want to another person, things that they wouldn’t say in person like “do you want to screw,” or do in person, like getting naked.
I am 67 years old, 40 years ago if I or anyone of my friends wanted to take and send nude pictures of ourselves or anyone else (By the way we never did) we would have to live with the embarrassment of having these pictures developed by a photographer. In order for a picture to be taken it needed two things, a subject and a photographer. No teenage girls were going to take their clothes off for some sex crazed boy and let him take her picture. Any pictures that were taken of anyone, and I mean clothed usually required a five day period for development. Everyone had time to think. It wasn’t as easy as hitting the send key.
Once the send key is hit everyone has a record of what was sent, a record that will last a lifetime, and probably create a lifetime of misery. Society’s stagnant morality just can’t seem to keep up with the rapidly moving technology. We haven’t figured out how to use our new toys and are always looking for ways to use these things to self destruct or to ruin the reputation of another person. When I was a kid I was told, never write a letter, and to never throw away a letter. I understand this now better than ever. At least 40 years ago if I wrote a letter I could decide if I wanted to mail it off. If it was written in anger I could think about it and allow my impulses to calm down. If someone sent me a letter that was less than friendly I had a permanent record of that person’s thoughts of me.
Today people just don’t think, they get a thought, no matter where they are and immediately begin to text someone and begin to berate another person without even giving it a second thought. It is just as easy as hitting the send key. Below is an article I wrote a while back about how this type of selfish and uncontrollable behavior affected an evening that I was spending with my daughter Sarah. It is living proof how texting if not used correctly can ruin and day, and evening, or a life. Thank God things worked out, but remember it all started with an impulsive text message. I left in my advice for those of you who have children who could be impacted by such insensitivity by others.
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Many years ago when my oldest daughter Sarah was about 4 years old a good friend of mine told me that girls were easier to raise than boys. Well my oldest daughter is now 20 years old and I still haven’t figured it out yet. One thing I do know is that I hate to see my daughter upset. I don’t mean mildly upset, that just goes with being a teenager, but upset to the point of tears. This happened to me one night when my daughter was 17. She received a text message from one of her friends. The text message said that she wanted to talk to her about something. Sarah couldn’t get in touch with the girl that sent the text so she called another one of the girls in this group. She has been friend with 4 girls for about the last two years. These girls did everything together. Hang out mostly as Sarah calls it. They went to parties together, studied together, drove to school together, and yes, they got into trouble once in a while together.
When she called one of the girls up the girl told Sarah that all four girls were upset with her because they were starting to view her as being selfish, and annoying. My daughter was blindsided by this information and really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what they were talking about. I asked her if she thought this information was true. She told me no. I then asked her if she thought she might have a couple of blind spots and the girls were possibly seeing something in her that she just didn’t see in herself. She said no, and I must say did a pretty convincing job backing up what she told me. The question is this; how do you as a dad offer a teenage daughter advice in situations like these? I am no expert but, I believe that I did a pretty good job based upon the outcome.
Teenage girls always seem to like to be connected to some group outside their family. Teenage boys like the connection also, but a boy’s connection is usually with some type of sports team, or club. Girls like to be connected to each other. The longer this connection lasts the greater the chance that their weaknesses will be exposed, and for sure they will start engaging in rumors, and gossiping about one another. Girls also tend to become more jealous in these relationships if a boy becomes involved in this mix. Once one of the girls has an opinion about someone else in their group they will bend over backward to try and convince the other members of the group that it is true. They will even search for the evidence to prove their point. This behavior becomes crushing and emotionally painful to the girl who is being ganged up on, as was the case with my daughter.
What can you do when your daughter confides in you enough to tell you what is going on? First, listen, and I mean listen well. Find out all the facts and please don’t react or condemn your daughter. Don’t say to her you better change your ways. If you are condemning her it’s a good chance that that’s the reason why she looking for connections outside the family. The next thing is to love her to death with your actions and words. My comment to my daughter was, I like everything about you. I like how you talk and how you act. Help her understand that you are her biggest fan. Let her know that she doesn’t have to apologize for something that she truly believes she is not guilty of. I mean are these girls the only one with an opinion. Of course if she feels as if she has done something to offend someone apologize, and move on.
Tell your daughter that long term relationships give everyone an opportunity to show their true colors. These relationships may be nice at first, but the longer that a person is in them the greater the chance that the true character of someone will pop up. That’s when a person has to decide if they want to stay friends with someone who is not a very loyal friend. Tell your daughter to stand tall, hold her head up, and don’t let them see you cry, and that you will be there to help her do all of these.
Adolescent relationships are a growth process. There is pain that can come from being hurt by a so called friend. Guess what? By the time your daughter is 22, she will have the savvy to manage this type of crap and she won’t be emotionally immature when it comes down to relationships. All friendships are not intimate, and by that I mean a relationship that involves a person’s heart, mind, and soul. The relationships that your daughter has with someone in high school might be viewed by her as intimate. Relationships have a continuum that go from, acquaintance, friend, close friend, and then intimate friend. An intimate friend is usually someone that is a life long friend.
By the way after I offered my daughter some of my wisdom, which by the way took me two days, she said to me “I really love you dad,” and was happier than I have seen her in a long while. When I was alone, I cried, yes I cried again. I am such a big baby.
It doesn’t matter if you are a school teacher or a school administrator you are in the business of leadership as well as education. With all of the responsibilities that teachers have the one that is the most critical is the one that seems to get over looked and that is leadership. Principals and vice-principals have to lead, that is the nature of their position. However, many administrators lack leadership qualities for a variety of reasons many of which are personality based. Teachers who embrace leadership posses certain qualities that ultimately translates into them becoming effective school administrators. Teachers who aspire to be school administrators, principals and vice principals need to develop five essential qualities if they are going to be effective educational leaders
The First C of Effective Educational Leaders
Character
Character is a very abstract word and needs some type of definition in order to put some feet to this essential quality. Character is a set of behavior traits that define what sort of person an individual is. It determines whether a person will effectively achieve goals, be forthright in dealing with others and will obey the laws and rules of the group. Although character is related to personality, it is not the same thing. Personality is primarily inborn traits, while character consists of learned behavior and is usually taught to a person by his/her parents when they are very young. It would bode well for a person who is considering a leadership position to evaluate what their values are and decide if they have the character qualities that are necessary to effectively motivate, and inspire people to perform at their personal best. With that in mind I like to define character in very simple terms; “The ability to subordinate and impulse to a value.” An effective educational leader has a clear understanding of what his/her values are and has a core set of values and principals that they use to lead and base their decisions on.
Leaders make decisions based on who they are inside. They engage in activities based on
who they are inside. Without character a leader cannot “walk the talk” for the long-term.
Though he or she may start well, eventually the true character emerges and the path of
integrity is left behind for the path that gratifies self-serving desires. Hence, there are
situations where leaders espouse the talk but fail miserably in the implementation of the walk.
Character also determines how a leader will engage in the work of leadership. Those of
highly developed and noble character will handle problems with grace and tact, while
those of baser character will resort to such tactics as manipulation, power plays, over control, emotional outbursts, and tirades that tear down the one who is addressed.
Character then is a compass that shows which way to go. If the compass is off-kilter,
then so will be the steps of the leader.
The Second C
Consistency
I think that it is important to understand what the dictionary definition of consistency is: Consistency – steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc. There is consistency in his pattern of behavior. Check out the sentence that helps to define the word, educational leaders need to be consistent in their patterns of behavior. I also find it interesting that words like steadfast and principles are used. Educational leaders who are consistent produce security in the minds of the people who they are leading by creating an environment where everyone is aware of their methods of management and approach to solving problems. Teachers who are consistent, have clear expectations for their students have less behavior problems and spend more time teaching their students than disciplining them. Administrators who are consistent develop the same security in their staff and are viewed as a team player and who has the ability to see further down the road than those around him/her can.
The Third C
Confidence
A confident leader knows what to do or how to go about finding out what to do in any given set of circumstances. Effective educational leaders know who they are and are confident in their own skin. Confident leaders know who they are. They not only know who they are but can they can separate who they are and who they want to be from what the world thinks they are and wants them to be. No one can teach a person how to become themselves, take charge, and to express themselves except the leader themselves. A confident leader knows how to teach themselves, accept responsibility (blame no one) and use their experience as a tool to reflect on their own performance. Confident leaders are not afraid of making mistakes and can admit their mistakes when they make them. They are not threatened by teachers or other administrators who may know more than them, rather they use these people as a resource to help improve instruction, student discipline, and school climate.
The Fourth C
Commitment
It really doesn’t matter what profession you are in if you are not committed to it failure is imminent. Educators have always had to struggle to make a descent salary and many of them have had to work other jobs just to be able to feed their families. Often these jobs are at night and may require a person to work late hours, maybe as late as midnight. This leaves little time for rest and preparation for the task the next day of working with students. Sometimes these jobs may pound for pound pay more than the persons teaching job and may provide a better income than teaching. It is extremely difficult to be committed to a profession that doesn’t provide the necessary income to meet the needs of a growing family. Personally I experienced this problem with commitment during my first ten years of teaching. I suffered from the teacher, bartender, painter, real estate salesman syndrome. I worked as many jobs as I could in order to make ends meet. It wasn’t until I realized that in order to be successful I had to commit myself to something for the long term. I chose to remain in teaching and worked to develop my skills and use my credentials as a teacher and an administrator. Everyone benefited when I committed myself to one thing. I did and so did my family. My students did, and so did my career. There was a sense of security that developed in my mind and in the minds of my children. I became steadier, consistent, and yes committed to my job. Getting committed and staying committed not only improved my outlook about my profession but about life as well.
The Fifth C
Courage
When we think of courage in light of educational leadership I think it is important to realize what are fears really are. In my experience I have found that that the biggest fear that most people have is the fear of other people. Angry parents, administrators who are dictatorial, and power hungry students all have the ability to instill fear in the hearts and minds of educators and can make their professional and personal lives almost unbearable. It is obvious that we can’t control others so we have to have the courage to change ourselves and have the courage to manage the behaviors of people that we would otherwise fear. Our own emotional maturity is the key to developing courage and having the ability to confront without condemning can create a balance between courage and consideration. Stephen Covey in his book “The 7Habits of highly Effective People” offers a wonderful definition of emotional maturity, “The ability to express one’s own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others.” Courage then is the ability to express your concerns and still have the ability to see life from another person’s point of view. As educational leaders we certainly don’t want to be treated like a four year old nor do we want to be a door mat for an angry parent or child. Expressing ourselves without creating a stressful and tense learning environment is a true example of courage.
The New 3Rs in Education
Respect, Responsibility, and Relationships
Remember: All Schools in New Jersey Must Designate
The First Week of October as Respect Week
Everybody knows what the 3 R’s of teaching are – reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic. But educators don’t totally understand that in order to teach these basic subjects successfully, they must constantly be working to develop respect and responsibility in their students. No longer can it be assumed that children develop these attitudes at home. Plus, teachers must learn how to build positive relationships with their students. Strong teacher-student relationships naturally foster a positive and safe learning environment where much learning will take place and where all students will become capable, connected, and contributing members of their classrooms.
Jim Burns the author of “The New 3R’s In Education – Respect, Responsibility and Relationships” is scheduling in-services, workshops, conferences, and keynotes for the 2011-12 school year. Jim brings over 30 of experiences as well as practical strategies to help teachers, administrators, and parents teach respect, encourages responsible behavior in their students and explains how to build more positive relationships with their students and children.
LEARN PRACTICAL STRATEGIES THAT WILL TEACH THE NEW 3R’S
Teach respect, responsibility, and compliance
Learn how to build strong positive relationships with students and parents
Understand how principles, rules, and procedures create a secure safe environment
Create a fair, and consistent learning environment that will be calming to even your most difficult students
Understand how to give instruction, warnings, and correction
Receive a set of effective consequences for grades K-12 that will impact future behavior
Practice proven verbal responses you can use in a crisis situation
Build respect and rapport with your most difficult students
Develop language that confronts without condemning
Break through the emotional wall of your students and increase motivation and responsibility
ORDER YOUR COPY OF “THE NEW 3RS” BY CALLING
1-732-773-9855 FOR $19.99 + SHIPPING.
I was speaking with my daughter Sarah over a year ago and she asked me if I would make an appointment for her with the doctor. She wasn’t sick, just a check up. I said sure and made the appointment for her on January 4, 2010 at 1:30 in the afternoon. That date just happened to be my birthday. When I called to tell her the date of the appointment she said to me “Isn’t there something else you would rather do on your birthday than take me to the doctor?” I responded by saying, “There isn’t anything else I’d rather do than spend time with you on my birthday.” She kept insisting that I should reschedule the appointment, but I insisted it wasn’t a problem so she gave in and said okay, with another OKAY just for good measure. On another occasion I was visiting my sister and her husband with my children for the Christmas Holiday. Her and her husband gave me a wonderful gift: Two tickets to a New York Giants football game. What a gift. I put Sarah on the spot and asked her if she wanted to go, she reluctantly agreed. Then I thought what about Grace, my youngest daughter, can’t take one and not the other. I spoke to them on the way home telling them that I was going to take one of my good friends to the game, Mr. Olsen. To my surprise they both said yes please take Mr. Olsen and have a good time. Their tone was almost one of relief.
I love being around my kids. They mean the world to me. They make me happy. They are my best friends. But, I learned a very important lesson after these two events that almost slipped by me. My kids do not want to be responsible for my happiness; they want me to be happy on my own, with my own life, and my own activities. When our children are young they rely on us to teach them how to participate in activities that are fun and bring a sense of happiness and joy to their lives. As they grow older and more independent they learn how to discover these things on their own and need less and less of our help and honestly need our presence less and less. This begs the questions; do we as parents grow more or less dependent on our children as they grow older? Did we as parents get so lost in the lives of our now grown children that we lost our own life and have diminished our ability to live independent of our children? We raised our children to function independent of us as parents. We raised our children to perform as adults in our absence. This is all done so unwittingly and so incrementally that parents don’t even see the dysfunction coming. They don’t see it coming until they have a parent who is 75 years old whose happiness has been measured over the years by the amount of time their children have spent with them. Parents, you know who you are, you feel such a responsibility to that elderly parent, and such guilt that your life is not your own. That dysfunction becomes normal for you; consequently you deal with your children the same way. No one grows up; we all remain children looking to others to be responsible for our happiness.
We should enjoy the presence of our children but we shouldn’t rely on it as our sole source of enjoyment. Our kids don’t want the responsibility of it. They want us to enjoy our spouse, a friend, or if you are divorced a male or female companion. Crushing your kids with phone calls, and demands for their company, or worse yet feeling guilty because you believe in some sick way that they constantly want or need you around is unfair to them and to you as the parent. Trust me when I tell you that your kids will never tell you, but as they grow older they won’t love you more they’ll resent you more. You will be waiting for the phone to ring, and will wish you knew how to deal with your time and your life. You will be wondering if they’re mad at you. The less they call, the more anger you will have toward them. When you die your kids won’t be bereaved they will be relieved. All because you didn’t know your place in the lives of your children.
