by James Burns | Nov 27, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents
Liberty and freedom: synonymous? I don’t think so. We all have the liberty to do and say whatever we want. Good or bad. Oh, of course with consequences both good and bad as well. What we do with that liberty determines the amount of freedom we experience in the deep recesses of our mind and our soul. We are all supposed to be responsible, that’s a given. Responsible for what? Responsible for our thoughts, words, actions, attitudes, and our motives. Liberty is a condition of the environment in which we live, how we use that liberty will determine the condition of our soul. One can’t act on whatever impulse that moves them without experiencing the potential guilt that could plague them, maybe for a lifetime. So yes, we all have environmental liberty, but, based upon our actions we may never experience the true freedom that comes from a clear conscience. Guilt can change a person from the inside out and produce bitterness, depression, and at times mental illness.
So, how does this relate to bullying? It may take a while but here goes. Bullies use their liberty un wisely, and know full well that they do. They lack impulse control, and don’t have a clue what it means to be responsible for how they act and what they say. Their conscience is shot because of guilt and shame, and quite frankly you can’t grow a conscience. They use that liberty with no regard for the rights and privileges of another person. There is no, none, nada, freedom to be had in the soul of a bully. There is nothing there but guilt. This guilt produces a critical condemning attitude that leads to a lack of empathy for others. Their conscience may very well be seared. What’s the solution? Read on and you may be surprised.
Everyone is in a hurry until they get in front of me! Always in a rush? Always leaving late? Everyone just slows you down. How late would you be if you ran someone over or had a car accident on the way to your destination? When you are in a hurry, slow down. Easier said than done. The consequence that might be experienced from speeding might be more than a person could bear. Like killing someone or having that car accident that results in being paralyzed for the rest of your life. How does this relate to bullying? A bully is six times more likely to be incarcerated by the age of 24. Why is this so important? Because no one imposed a consequence on a bully and held him accountable for his behavior. A logical consequence for speeding might be a speeding ticket. A natural consequence might be a car accident. The consequences imposed on a bully at an early age are not strong enough for him to stop his behavior; the consequences imposed on a bully later in life do stop his behavior. What the family and the schools don’t do society does do. By the way how slow do you drive after a speeding ticket? How long would a bully continue to bully if a consequence was imposed that really hurt? I am not talking about a detention, or an in or out of school suspension. I am talking about removal from an activity that the bully would really like to participate in, or having charges filed for harassment, intimidation and bullying. What does society do with people who are anti social? They remove them, to jail. Same principal here. Once this happens a few times the bully starts to develop something that helps him begin to evaluate his behavior. That’s called consequential thinking.
Consequential thinking is merely the ability to evaluate what will happen to me if I involve myself in behavior that is inappropriate. I start to think what will happen if I use my environmental liberty in the wrong way. I begin to look at life from two perspectives before I act and ask myself the following questions; what will I gain from my behavior or what will I lose? If the loss is great enough I begin to rethink what I am about to do. Like bully someone. My liberties may be reduced, but the freedom that my conscience develops is increased. I develop less guilt and a better attitude. Sounds simple right? Wrong, it’s hard. Why, because I have to rely on someone else to impose the consequence. Families, schools, and society have to act then and only then will my behavior change. It may be hard to admit but, we are our brother’s keeper.
So, why is it so hard to restrict someone’s environmental liberty? Because everyone has rights; Rights to say and do what they want, with consequence of course as mentioned before. That doesn’t help the victim of bullying though, does it? The victim is still exposed to the bully’s attacks whether it be verbal, physical, or by way of social media. The victim is victimized in two ways; he/she is victimized by the bully, and is victimized by the fear of school, and society who always want to remain politically correct. That’s right POLITICALLY CORRECT, yes I am shouting. Don’t restrict the bully’s liberties, just let him bully the victim into becoming a bully, who is so angry, and bitter, that he exacts his revenge on his family, society, or a school; we all remember Columbine High School don’t we? Pay now or pay later. Oh yes, then of course discipline the victim, or let them discipline themselves like Harris and Kleboltz did after killing and wounding dozens of students and teachers at Columbine, they committed suicide. I could go on about victims who have lost their emotional freedom but I won’t. I will just mention one more, Tyler Clemente. The Rutgers student who couldn’t stand the embarrassment and shame of being video taped in a compromising position with another male, by two other students who exercised their environmental liberty, and then uploaded it on youtube. Tyler’s emotional freedom was taken from him in an instant. He then took his life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge. Everyone stands by the age old saying that is politically correct by the way; a person is innocent until proven guilty. Well when a victim reports that they were bullied maybe we should just assume that the bully is guilty until proven innocent.
by James Burns | Nov 6, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Many years ago I had a friend whose son was getting ready to go off to his freshman year of college. We drove him up to Dartmouth. Her intention was to stay up there for three days to help him with the adjustment and get settled. During the five hour car ride there, he kept insisting that we leave after we dropped him off. We told him that we were definitely staying over for at least one night. After we moved him in we took him to dinner and walked around the campus with him. I watched his body language and I realized that even though he had protested in the car for five hours, he was glad we stayed. This story is not unique. Parents today have a terrible time when their children leave home. That’s because they know deep down that they haven’t done enough to prepare their children for independence. Children today are not given enough basic responsibilities when they are young and aren’t prepared for being responsible for all that lies ahead in their lives. These children haven’t learned enough about survival in the dog eat dog world. They are emotionally immature. Emotionally mature people have certain characteristics that make it easy to recognize them. What are these characteristics and what does an emotionally mature person look like?
Let’s start with one for today – Honesty
Emotionally Mature People are Honest
John Bradshaw, the adult child of alcoholic guru, made this very telling comment about the truth. “Telling the truth prevents future pain.” So why doesn’t everyone tell the truth? The answer is very simple. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional maturity to speak the truth. Often the truth can lead to a confrontation which is something a person who is emotionally immature just can’t deal with.
Larry, a dear friend of mine, who unfortunately has passed away, watched me with my daughter one day. Anytime she did or said something that was wrong, I would have a huge reaction and start to yell at her about her behavior. Larry just kept observing this. Finally he said to me, “Jim, by reacting the way you do, all you’re doing is grooming your daughter to be a good liar.” I finally understood what he meant when my daughter started to bend the truth a little. I would ask her a question and she would poke around verbally to try to find out what I wanted to hear. She did this to prevent my reaction. Emotionally mature people can speak the truth without fear of a reaction from another person, and can handle the truth when it is spoken to them. In this country, we are very accustomed to dishonesty, and everyone seems to lie, withhold information, or embellish a story just to make themselves look good in the eyes of others.
One of our most popular presidents was most definitely an emotionally immature liar. In 1998, we watched as President Bill Clinton constantly denied his relationship with Monica Lewinsky. Why? Maybe he had a fear of an entire country and, of course, his wife Hilary’s reaction. When President Clinton continued to deny his affair, things only got worse for him as other women come flying out of the closet pronouncing that they also had affairs with the president as well. Clinton was also an expert in finding out what people wanted to hear and then he would tell them exactly what they wanted. People often joked that he always agreed with the last person that he spoke with. As a society we are so accustommed to untruth, and half truths that Clinton was forgiven for his behavior and he remains very popular in the eyes of many and his deviance admired.
Lying, conning, and withholding may prevent confrontations and reactions temporarily. But, permanent help only comes when the truth is spoken. Emotional maturity starts with being honest with ourselves and with others. It truly does set us free.
Respect
Emotionally Mature People Are Respectful
People who are emotionally mature are respectful. They don’t live and die by the saying…I’ll give respect when I get respect. They are respectful to everyone regardless of how they are treated. They have an appreciation for the rights and privileges of another person and therefore can accept differences of opinions gracefully. Emotionally mature people have a built- in set of values that won’t allow them to use their words or actions to be disrespectful to anyone. They enjoy other people’s successes and are ready to offer praise to others for their accomplishments. Emotionally mature people know how to respond to authority and know how to work with their employers regardless of whether or not they like or agree with their boss.
Responsibility
Emotionally Mature People Are Responsible
Emotionally mature people have the ability to accept responsibility for their own actions. They don’t look for excuses for their behavior. There may be reasons or circumstances why emotionally mature people act in an irresponsible way but they don’t waste time making all kinds of excuses. Emotionally mature people don’t feel victimized by circumstances or other people. Even when circumstances or events are difficult, they deal with them without resorting to blaming others. They realize that they were influenced by these circumstances and not determined, and at any point they can change their response to the influence.
In life, people can be dealt a bad hand in many different areas. They may have inherited a family disease; their parents may have been very poor or divorced maybe even alcoholics. The list could go on and on. It becomes the responsibility of the individual to overcome difficult circumstances that were not really the fault of that person. Typically, emotionally irresponsible people spend their entire lives blaming others for their problems. When they do this, they remain irresponsible and do not believe that they need to attempt to help themselves. A person who is irresponsible can blame others for so long that the hole he or she is in gets deeper and deeper.
Compliance
Emotionally Mature People Are Compliant
What does it mean to be compliant? Most people would say it means that you do what you’re told when you’re told to do it. That’s about right, but not quite. Emotionally mature people have the ability to do what they’re told, when they’re told to do it, with a good attitude. One of the first signs of maturity in a child is when they have the ability to cooperate even when they disagree. When they do disagree, they do it with the right attitude. Another lost principle. Compliance
by James Burns | Nov 4, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Going to a Catholic grammar school for nine years had its benefits. We had to wear uniforms so there wasn’t any clothes competition. We went to church all the time so we got some formal spiritual training. You couldn’t even think of using profanity because you thought the nuns read your mind and would find out what you were thinking. We learned good penmanship. We were respectful, compliant, and responsible. The crazy thing is no one gave me a choice in any of these areas I was forced to do them. It wasn’t like the nun said to me you can go to church if you like or why don’t you try to hold your pencil this way or is that the way to speak to someone? If I didn’t do it the way it was supposed to be done, my blood stains would be on the floor.
As I look back at this experience, the one thing that I realize is that this type of education taught me something that no one talks about today and that’s self-control. The majority of the problems that a person faces in their life are related to a lack of self-control. Everybody either eats too much, drinks too much, spends too much, can’t control their temper, lusts after things that they can’t have like someone else’s spouse, and develops habits that they can’t break that could kill them or someone else like smoking or driving too fast.
Now why does all this happen? Well, I never remember my parents or any teacher in my life saying to me the choice is yours: You can smoke or not. You can lose your temper or not. You can overeat or not. Self-control is taught. If I did something that exhibited a lack of self-control, I got grabbed by someone and got reamed out or in the worst case scenario got clobbered. I was taught to wait on line, raise my hand, take my time, practice until I got it right, memorize, and I got drilled on skills that everyone knew were necessary for life long success. Look, musicians practice endless hours to perform a single piece of music. Students study instead of watch TV. Athletes devote years of their lives to prepare for an Olympic event that may last only a few minutes. The concepts of self-control, delayed gratification and discipline seem so counter to our cultural values. We use our credit cards because we want things right away. We become impatient if we wait more than a few moments at a drive-through at McDonalds. We eat ourselves into obesity and poor health because it feels good, with little consideration of the long-term consequences.
Self-control should be graded in school and looked at as a quality necessary for success as an adult. If you or someone you know is having trouble with self-control I have a good friend named Sister Houlihan who still thinks self-control is important. She is 4 feet 8 inches tall and she can still make a grown man hold his pencil the right way!
Laura Branigan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJibuZxs3Xg
by James Burns | Nov 1, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
Parents need to teach their kids everything. There are no assumptions in this world; None. Society has lost it’s focus and believes that children will learn about money, friendships, relationships, and marriage on their own. We are so caught up telling our kids what not to do that we have forgotten that we have to teach our kids what to do. Read on. Oh, will this stop bullying behavior? You bet it will.
During the course of the last 40 years society has become very myopic and lost a great deal of its wisdom. Wisdom is a very dynamic word and can be used in many ways. The definition of wisdom is the accumulation of philosophic or scientific learning. The definition also includes the ability to discern inner qualities and the ability to use good judgment. Wisdom is also knowledge, good sense, wise attitude or course of action. In terms of relationships wisdom can be defined as having the ability to see life from another person’s perspective. A person learns wisdom first and foremost from watching and listening to the instruction of his/her parents. With the understanding that their parents are wise and have the ability to impart their knowledge to their children.
I can not say that I truly have wisdom. One area of one’s life that indicates wisdom is financial stability. As I am writing this essay I am mortgaged to the hilt and have a variety of other debt. I have spent more than I make and have bought things that I didn’t need. Sometimes I have to go through my couch to look for coffee money. I am past due on some bills, and did I mention that the holidays are just around the corner. I have used band-aids to deal with my finances and had some temporary relief, but never have been able to achieve financial stability. I have been married twice, and divorced twice. I have two children who I love that need to be provided for. My oldest daughter is in college and will be going to Italy in January; need I say more. My younger daughter is in high school is not far behind, and she will also be going to college in a few years, and well, the debts are high and the funds are low. I asked myself, how could this happen to me? The answer rang very true in my head, Jim you have not been very wise in certain areas.
My parents never struggled financially the way that I do. They didn’t have debts they couldn’t pay or live in a house that was over their heads. They stayed married even though they may not have been too happy with each other. Why did I not learn wisdom from my parents?
When my dad died he didn’t have any life insurance at all. My mom was not left destitute, she had money, but there wasn’t this lump sum of cash on its way from an insurance company. One day my mom was cleaning out my dad’s things, and found an old shoe box in the back of the bedroom closet. She opened the box and found $30,000 in cash. My dad had the wisdom to stash money away so my mom was taken care of when he died. We always thought he was cheap, but he wasn’t. In his own methodical way he saved money for the future. On the other hand, I never learned how to save money, and I am realizing now just how fast thirty years can go by. My mom and dad always had trouble in their marriage. He was a drinker and my mom had all types of problems managing his unruly behavior. Nonetheless they both had the wisdom to realize that they were worth more together than they could ever be worth apart. They remained married for thirty five years. I on the other hand have been married twice and never recognized the benefits of remaining married. The reality of it all is I observed wise behavior but was never learned how to be wise.
These are not only a problems that I have been dealing with, I believe that it is pervasive in society. Some people call it street smarts, I call it wisdom. During the last 50 years, it seems as if people have either lost their wisdom or never developed it in the first place. I know this because I am not the only one in this situation. I have observed this problem affecting people much younger than I. So many people today have never been taught how to handle money, and they don’t realize that money is for many other things than for just spending. Too many people have gotten married and gotten divorced just as fast, and it doesn’t seem to matter if there are children involved or not.
Why did our parents stand the test of time 50 years ago and stay married, and manage money so well? Why have the last 3 generations suffered so much financial difficulty, and been involved in one divorce after another? We observed our parents being financially responsible, and we observed our parents remaining married. The problem is we observed, but we never learned. It’s almost like watching a car mechanic fix a car, but never learning how to fix it ourselves. Wisdom, wise decisions, wise behavior, needs to be learned. We needed to know why our parent’s did what they did and we needed to be shown how to do it.
If society is going to develop the wisdom, common sense, or street smarts it has to start with grooming the kids of today and giving them the instruction they need to deal with money and relationships. When you get right down to it there really isn’t much else left. The challenge is great because parental role models are not as wise today as they were in days past. Parents can’t be asking their children what they want to be when they grow up, they have to taught the best career choices and then pointed in that direction. Parents have to teach their children how to handle money at a young age and show them how to save and invest for the future. Parents have to stop thinking that they don’t have a say in terms of who their children choose as a marriage partner. They have to speak up; if they believe that who their son or daughter is dating is not good for them they need to instruct them about the qualities they believe are important in a life partner. Society believes after a certain point that kids know what they are doing and they’ll be fine. Parents don’t want to interfere. They don’t want to ram something down their kid’s throats. If parents don’t ram something down their kid’s throats some else will. If society is going to become wise again, it will have to spend more time teaching, and less time watching. We can start to teach are kids now when they’re young, or wring our hands as they get older and wonder where we went wrong.
Words of Wisdom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLxkz8gkW1A&feature=fvst
by James Burns | Oct 31, 2011 | Bully Proof Classroom, Parents, Teachers
I was driving in my car one day and was staring at the five bumper stickers that were on the car in front of me. One of the bumper stickers made a lot of sense, it said, “If you can read this thank a teacher.” I never had to be reminded of this when I was a kid, I always thanked my teachers but, more importantly I respected my teachers. I didn’t have a choice I had to be respectful, I didn’t even think twice. I found out very early on as a student that before I had a chance to be successful academically I had to stay in my seat, not talk back, and do what I was told when I was told to do it. I realized that if I made any attempt to complain about my teachers my parents weren’t hearing it which really benefited me as a student. Today if a kid goes home and starts to complain about his teacher, instead of the parents saying do what you’re told, they can almost begin to complain right along with their kid planting seeds of disrespect in the child’s head that ultimately will interfere with the child’s academic success. Kids who sense a division of authority between their parents and the school go to school everyday with a poor attitude, and are being programmed for a lifetime of educational as well as employment related problems.
As a teacher and administrator myself I have watched the decline of respect in education today. It’s almost as if society wants to muzzle the teacher from saying what needs to be said to a student that will help the student improve academically. Teachers have to measure every word and if constructive suggestion is offered to a student by a teacher it is viewed by the student and his parents as an insult that is going to damage the kids’ self-esteem for a lifetime.
As a high school student I was no different than any other kid in school and I tried to get away with as much as possible and always looked to cut corners academically. I was a freshman in high school and I turned in a history assignment to my social studies teacher. This was an assignment that was assigned two weeks prior. I worked on it the night before it was due. Within a day or two the teacher handed the assignment back to the class. My assignment was not returned but, he asked to see me after class. I met with him and he said to me, “What is this, is this all you are capable of, Jimmy you can’t b— s—- a b—- s——.” I was shocked and embarrassed, and hung my head. Finally I looked at him and said, “Can I do it over?” He said, “Can you? Are you capable of better work?” I worked on it again with his help and turned it in again and received a B for the assignment. I developed a tremendous relationship with this teacher, and respected him because he didn’t feel as if he had to measure his words. I had a high regard for this man’s opinion, and didn’t even think twice about trying this again.
Unfortunately if a teacher tries to do this today, the kid usually goes home, tell his parents and a meeting is arranged to question or berate the teacher. The sad part is that this allowed to go on, and it is very common place in education and in society today. Schools today are constantly on the hot seat to improve test scores, reduce the drop out rate, and to be in compliance with federally mandated programs that provide government funds. Everyday on the news deviant behavior is reported in schools with bullying and school shootings almost becoming common place. Society wants to level the ground, and create an environment where no one is in charge and authority figures can’t even offer constructive suggestion to students and employees to help improve their performance, and are muzzled by the same systems that judge their abilities. The only way students will be successful academically is when everyone involved in the educational process learns to respect the human delivery system, the teacher.
Aretha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0
