Many years ago I had a friend whose son was getting ready to go off to his freshman year of college. We drove him up to Dartmouth. Her intention was to stay up there for three days to help him with the adjustment and get settled. During the five hour car ride there, he kept insisting that we leave after we dropped him off. We told him that we were definitely staying over for at least one night. After we moved him in we took him to dinner and walked around the campus with him. I watched his body language and I realized that even though he had protested in the car for five hours, he was glad we stayed. This story is not unique. Parents today have a terrible time when their children leave home. That’s  because they know deep down that they haven’t done enough to prepare their children for independence. Children today are not given enough basic responsibilities when they are young  and aren’t prepared for being responsible for all that lies ahead in their lives. These children haven’t learned enough about survival in the dog eat dog world. They are emotionally immature. Emotionally mature people have certain characteristics that make it easy to recognize them. What are these characteristics and what does an emotionally mature person look like?

Let’s start with one for today – Honesty

Emotionally Mature People are Honest

John Bradshaw, the adult child of alcoholic guru, made this very telling comment about the truth. “Telling the truth prevents future pain.” So why doesn’t everyone tell the truth? The answer is very simple. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional maturity to speak the truth. Often the truth can lead to a confrontation which is something a person who is emotionally immature just can’t deal with.

Larry, a dear friend of mine, who unfortunately has passed away, watched me with my daughter one day. Anytime she did or said something that was wrong, I would have a huge reaction and start to yell at her about her behavior. Larry just kept observing this. Finally he said to me, “Jim, by reacting the way you do, all you’re doing is grooming your daughter to be a good liar.” I finally understood what he meant when my daughter started to bend the truth a little. I would ask her a question and she would poke around verbally to try to find out what I wanted to hear. She did this to prevent my reaction. Emotionally mature people can speak the truth without fear of a reaction from another person, and can handle the truth when it is spoken to them. In this country, we are very accustomed to dishonesty, and everyone seems to lie, withhold information, or embellish a story just to make themselves look good in the eyes of others.

One of our most popular presidents was most definitely an emotionally immature liar. In 1998, we watched as President Bill Clinton constantly denied his relationship with Monica Lewinsky. Why? Maybe he had a fear of an entire country and, of course, his wife Hilary’s reaction. When President Clinton continued to deny his affair, things only got worse for him as other women come flying out of the closet pronouncing that they also had affairs with the president as well. Clinton was also an expert in finding out what people wanted to hear and then he would tell them exactly what they wanted. People often joked that he always agreed with the last person that he spoke with. As a society we are so accustommed to untruth, and half truths that Clinton was forgiven for his behavior and he remains very popular in the eyes of many and his deviance admired.

Lying, conning, and withholding may prevent confrontations and reactions temporarily. But, permanent help only comes when the truth is spoken. Emotional maturity starts with being honest with ourselves and with others. It truly does set us free.

Respect

Emotionally Mature People Are Respectful

People who are emotionally mature are respectful. They don’t live and die by the saying…I’ll give respect when I get respect. They are respectful to everyone regardless of how they are treated. They have an appreciation for the rights and privileges of another person and therefore can accept differences of opinions gracefully. Emotionally mature people have a built- in set of values that won’t allow them to use their words or actions to be disrespectful to anyone. They enjoy other people’s successes and are ready to offer praise to others for their accomplishments. Emotionally mature people know how to respond to authority and know how to work with their employers regardless of whether or not they like or agree with their boss.

Responsibility

Emotionally Mature People Are Responsible

Emotionally mature people have the ability to accept responsibility for their own actions. They don’t look for excuses for their behavior. There may be reasons or circumstances why emotionally mature people act in an irresponsible way but they don’t waste time making all kinds of excuses. Emotionally mature people don’t feel victimized by circumstances or other people. Even when circumstances or events are difficult, they deal with them without resorting to blaming others. They realize that they were influenced by these circumstances and not determined, and at any point they can change their response to the influence.

In life, people can be dealt a bad hand in many different areas. They may have inherited a family disease; their parents may have been very poor or divorced maybe even alcoholics. The list could go on and on.  It becomes the responsibility of the individual to overcome difficult circumstances that were not really the fault of that person. Typically, emotionally irresponsible people spend their entire lives blaming others for their problems. When they do this, they remain irresponsible and do not believe that they need to attempt to help themselves. A person who is irresponsible can blame others for so long that the hole he or she is in gets deeper and deeper.

Compliance

Emotionally Mature People Are Compliant

What does it mean to be compliant? Most people would say it means that you do what you’re told when you’re told to do it. That’s about right, but not quite. Emotionally mature people have the ability to do what they’re told, when they’re told to do it, with a good attitude. One of the first signs of maturity in a child is when they have the ability to cooperate even when they disagree. When they do disagree, they do it with the right attitude. Another lost principle. Compliance