Forty Years of Small Compromises
Change has a way of sneaking up on you. One morning you wake up and wonder how you gained weight, contracted heart disease, lost your job, or in the case of dealing with a child’s behavior, you wonder why he or she can’t hold a job, get along in society, or cope with some of life’s most basic problems. Often, parents have strained relationships with their teenage son or daughter and throw their hands in the air when the child is very young and give up believing that there is really something that they can do, or they begin to blame themselves as the child who is now a young adult begins to experience social and emotional problems in their own lives. Some parents may begin to feel so guilty about their child’s inability to get along in life that they enable the behavior by offering excuses based upon some circumstantial or environmental defect and actually blame teachers and society for their child’s disrespectful and irresponsible behavior.
Children didn’t wake up one morning and decide that they were going to be disrespectful and irresponsible. The poor relationships that children have with their peers and ultimately other adults didn’t develop in one day, month, or year, it happened over a long period. The change was incremental, and it occurred over the course of thirty to forty years because of the small compromises that parents, teachers, and society have made in the areas of respect, responsibility, and relationships. Here are some illustrations of where society was forty years ago.
Illustration One
What Ever Happened to Mr., Mrs., and Ms.
Thank God for Nick at Night. You know that station that gives you shows like Leave it to Beaver or Lassie. I was watching Leave it to Beaver the other morning and could not help but notice how all the adults were called Mr. and Mrs. No Ms. back then. Of course Eddie Haskell was a bit of a phony when he addressed Beaver’s parents. Hello Mrs. Cleaver or hello Mr. Cleaver. Then he would run up to Wally’s room and refer to his dad as “Your old man.” The question I asked myself is, What ever happened to Mr. and Mrs.? Even when I worked as a principal the students called me Burns not Mr. Burns. I listen to my kids refer to their friend’s mom or dad as Colleen, or Tony, or Rich, or Barbara. Let’s face it respect is just not there any more. Everyone thinks that the ground is level. Is anyone in charge out there or is a kid our peer? The less respect kids have for the casual adults they meet the less respect they will have for teachers, police officers, and yea their employers. Let’s see if we can turn the tide a little. Speak to the parents of your kids friends and call them Mr. or Mrs. especially in front of your kids. Let’s get our kids to show respect for folks that are older than they are and make them aware that the ground is not level; somebody is older and smarter than they are, and they should be treated that way. I have a dear friend who I have known for twenty-five years. He has four boys between the ages of twenty-six and thirty-nine. I have known them since they were teenagers and younger. They were calling me Mr. Burns up until five years ago. That is when I told them to call me Jim.
Illustration Two
Kids Can’t Say Anything They Want
Many years ago, a wonderful friend of mine asked me what the smallest part of the body is. I was very young and probably very stupid at the time and responded with, “Duh, a finger.”
“No, it’s the tongue.” He also said to me that, although the tongue is the smallest part of the body, it can do the most damage. I never forgot the conversation that I had with him. Our words can really do some damage. Damage sometimes that can be life long, and sometimes we don’t even know what were doing, probably because we just we’re never taught how to shut-up. Kids and adults can shoot their mouth off and think that they are being funny or that they’re standing up for themselves when, in reality, they may be doing more harm than good. I was watching a baseball game very recently and watched one of the players go crazy over a called third strike. This was a grown man. He had to be restrained by three other players and the manager. Of course he was thrown out of the game. He was also suspended for three games right in the middle of a pennant race. I guess he really showed them. What a dope.
We also like to have laughs at someone else’s expense. My philosophy is, if we both aren’t laughing it’s not funny. Kids today have a real problem with behavior like this. They say things, get a laugh, having hurt the feelings of another person. I don’t even think that they are aware that people are listening, not everyone is impressed with their wit, and they are creating a negative image of themselves in the minds of other people.
My friend was also full of illustrations and stories that were inspiring and instructional. He illustrated this societal problem with a true story that I always refer to as the “Deaf Boy Story,” and it is worth sharing here.
There were two brothers. One was deaf. They had a friend who hung around with them all the time. This friend was the biggest jokester on two feet. He was always telling jokes or making fun of someone or something. One day, the three boys were headed out of the house and this jokester started to make fun of the way the deaf boy spoke. The deaf kid couldn’t hear, the brother gave a half-hearted laugh, and they left the house. No harm no foul? The deaf kid didn’t hear, so no one got hurt. No one else heard, right? No one heard except the deaf kid’s father who was reading the paper in the den.
Let’s fast-forward the tape. At the time of this incident, these two boys were sophomores in college. Two years went by and they both graduated with degrees in business administration. They both went on the job hunt. This jokester had an interview with a large insurance company. He had to go through one more phase of the hiring process. He had to meet the vice-president of the company. Who do you think the vice-president was? The deaf kid’s father, and the only perception that he had of this young man was that he had made fun of his son. It cost him the job. People hear, and they watch too. You never know when you are going to need someone or something. The things that are the greatest desires of our hearts are the things that will be withheld from us because of our past words or actions. Self-control is important, and if your tongue, a one ounce body part, has more control over you than you have over it, it will cost you when you least expect it. You never know.
Illustration Three
Self Control is Taught
Going to a Catholic grammar school for nine years had its benefits. We had to wear uniforms, so there wasn’t any clothes competition. We went to church all the time, so we got some formal spiritual training. You couldn’t even think of using profanity because you thought the nuns read your mind and would find out what you were thinking. We learned good penmanship. We were respectful, compliant, and responsible. The crazy thing was, no one gave me a choice in any of these areas; I was forced to do them. It wasn’t like the nun said to me, “You can go to church if you like…why don’t you try to hold your pencil this way?…is that the way to speak to someone? If I didn’t do it the way it was supposed to be done, there would be blood stains on the floor, and it wasn’t Jesus’; it was mine. As I look back at this experience, the one thing that I realize is that this type of education taught me something that no one talks about today: self-control. The majority of the problems that a person faces in their life are related to a lack of self-control. Everybody either eats too much, drinks too much, spends too much, can’t control their temper, lusts after things that they can’t have, like someone else’s spouse, and develops habits that they can’t break that could kill them or someone else, like smoking or driving too fast.
Now why does this stuff happen? I never remember my parents or any teacher in my life saying to me the choice is yours: you can smoke or not or you can lose your temper or not or you can overeat or not. Self-control is taught. If I did something that exhibited a lack of self-control, I got grabbed by someone and got clobbered. I was taught to wait on line, raise my hand, take my time, practice until I got it right, memorize, and I got drilled on skills that everyone knew were necessary for life-long success. Look, musicians practice endless hours to perform a single piece of music. Students study instead of watch TV. Athletes devote years of their lives to prepare for an Olympic event that may last only a few minutes.
The concepts of self-control, delayed gratification, and discipline seem counter to our cultural values. I myself have suffered the consequences of the lack of self-control. I used credit cards because I wanted things right away. I am impatient, and vacillate between exercise and a sedentary life style, at times with little consideration of the long-term consequences. Self-control should be graded in school and looked at as a quality necessary for success as an adult. If you or someone you know is having trouble with self-control, I have a good friend named Sister Houlihan who still thinks self-control is important. She is 4’8” tall and can still make a grown man hold his pencil the right way.
Illustration Four
The Medicalizing of Education has Produced Excuses for Disrespect and Irresponsibility
I don’t think that there is anyone in society today that doesn’t take medication for something: high blood pressure, diabetes, prostate problems, thyroid dysfunction, ulcers, or depression just to name a few. For sure, medication is something that is needed by many just to stay alive.
Children have always needed medication for childhood illnesses and some childhood diseases. It is only within the last twenty years that we have seen children being medicated with psychotropic drugs, sometimes even as early as preschool. About fifteen years ago, when I was a vice-principal of a school for conduct disordered kids, I was on the phone with a doctor who was treating one of my students. I mentioned to the doctor that the student was hyperactive. He informed me that I was using the wrong terminology, that she wasn’t hyperactive, but that she had ADHD. During our discussion, the doctor further explained that this student’s ADHD was the reason why she had such poor impulse control and that she needed medication to help control her. In my opinion, poor parenting and the lack of good old fashioned discipline have played a huge part in the very popular current trend in society and especially in education where some professionals, including school psychologists, social workers, guidance counselors, administrators, and teachers take the easy way out and look for a quick fix to deal with students who in days gone by would have been considered disrespectful and irresponsible, not mentally ill.
Society has raised its tolerance for deviance. This same attitude has found its way into education and has resulted in lower expectations for student achievement and behavior. Years ago, if one person burned the American flag it was an illegal act, and the guilty person or group was held accountable with the appropriate societal consequences imposed. But, what happens if five thousand people burn the flag and the jails aren’t big enough to hold them? You either build bigger prisons or make it legal to burn the flag.
When I was a student, there were students who behaved in a disrespectful and irresponsible manner. These students were few and far between and were dealt with accordingly. What happens when the number of students who are disrespectful, irresponsible, violent, bullying, and are involved in illegal acts starts to rise? A condition such as ADHD becomes the excuse for the deviant behavior.
“ADHD was determined to be a mental illness by vote of the American Psychiatric Association members at their annual meeting in 1987, and the new definition was then added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Children (and increasing adults)who exhibit behaviors such as inattention, distractibility, trouble in following directions, a tendency to lose things, and difficulty awaiting their turn to speak or participate in activities are now seen as victims of ADHD” (The Politics of Deviance, 2002).
In the past, these behaviors were seen as achievement-ability discrepancies or just unruly behavior. Now, parents and educators both seem to be relieved that the problems that exist with behaviors such as disrespect, irresponsibility in the home and in school can now be looked at as a type of mental illness that requires a treatment plan rather than individual accountability and self-control.
The medical industry has developed drugs that have improved the quality of life for millions of people. In reality, if some of these drugs didn’t exist, some people would not be alive today. I am a perfect example. I take high blood pressure medication to normalize blood pressure that would otherwise be too high. Taking this medication doesn’t make me any less responsible for my own health. I still have to walk, watch my diet, and not smoke. Because medication is so widely used in education, people often cite the decision of some parents not to medicate their children as the reason why a kid’s behavior is out of control. In my experience, I have often called parents to discuss their child’s unacceptable behavior and have been told that the child hadn’t taken his medication. The idea that the failure to take medication can be used as an excuse for deviance removes any form of responsibility on the individual for the behavior. I know that I am responsible for my own health with or without medication. Students are responsible for their own behavior and cannot use medication or the lack of it to get off the hook when confronted with the consequences of their lack of self-control.
Parents and educators see mental illness as an out for them. In fact, many parents actually request the diagnosis of mental illness for their children. In others words, the parent are saying, it’s not me as a parent, but rather biologically there is something wrong with my kid. There is no stigma attached to the label mental illness. Many parents and educators are convinced that their children who are diagnosed with some sort of mental illness are actually smarter, brighter, and more creative than kids who behave, pay attention, and are responsible. It almost becomes comforting for parents and educators to believe that it is not their parenting or behavior management techniques that may have caused the child’s problem. They are convinced that the inappropriate or deviant behavior that they have been observing and tolerating is a result of faulty wiring in the child’s head, which led him to throw tantrums, curse his teacher or parents out, bully other kids, and engage in violent behavior.
Medicalizing education sends the wrong message to parents, teachers, and administrators that a students’ poor academic performance or their lack of self-control can be clinically diagnosed and eliminated using psychotropic medication. A model focusing on respect, responsibility, and emotional maturity is the only response to the medication model that excuses behaviors and avoids relevant consequences that will provide permanent help not temporary relief.
